trying to survive suicide
Posted: Tue May 10, 2011 3:34 amEach day that I wake, I struggle just to get out of bed. Not just because I am depressed but also because I suffer from brain seizures that occur several times weekly. Some mornings just getting dressed is like trying to scale a mountain. My brain doesn't always send signals to my body. When this occurs it is called a sysnapsis. Most mornings when I think I can stand and walk to the Kitchen for breakfast, I fall after a few steps. Collasping to the floor. Sometimes I call out to my roommate for help to get up back onto my bed. But mostly I will just lie there and question God. I ask him if he is testing me as he had allowed the Devil to test Job. I truely feel as if I am reliving the life of Job.
When I was 18, I went to tech school to become a certified nursing assistant and worked in several nursing homes to include residental contracts. These contracts were for those who were confined to home but did not want to commit to a nursing home. Later I went back to school and began my education in tubular mechanical engineering in which I finished getting my bachelors degree thru the military. When I turned 21, I joined the Army and became a 63 bravo (light wheel vehicle mechanic). I thought I was ahead of the GAME. You know what I mean when I say, "The Game" THE WORLD, to be exact. When my battle buddy would greet me before P.T. (physical training) she would say, "How's things going?" and I would always reply. "Surving the Game!". And in a way You could say that I had been surviving the Game. I served for 8 years. I joined because my Dad was a soldier in the Marines, but I wanted to be more than just a SOLDIER. So I went Airborn, Air assualt, and finally sniper schooling while stationed at USAG Wiesbaden Military Training Area, Mainz Gonsenheim/Mombach, Germany.
I survived having been shot in the knee by a sniper in Somalia, and being hit by an IED in Bosnia. "Just Surving the Game!" Then after exiting the Army. I learned to Drive a Semi Tractor trailer. A big Rig! Yep lil' ol' me, driving a Semi pulling a 53 ft. Trailer. I drove for 9 years. All 48 states to include Canada and as far south as Mexico City. I honestly even drove the Ice Roads in Alaska, for two years before I had to retire due to my brain seizures. I went from driving for companies like Covenant transport, Swift, and Snider to owning 3 trucks and having 5 employees. While owning my own trucking company I also started my own transportation brokerage and found my own frieght and cut out the middle man for more profit. This inabled me to pay my drivers better wages and pay for more of their health insurance premiums. In my lifetime I have lived in 14 different countries and 19 states.
After all I had accomplished in Life and how hard and how good I worked at "Surving the Game", Here I am now 40 years old and in an electric wheel chair. With a decision each day whether to keep on living or to just give up. I'll be honest. I haven't been on line here at Chrisianity Oasis consistently for over 3 months because I did try to commit suicide. I was and am still tired of trying to "Survive the Game". Ocassionally I was allowed internet access while I was committed to the hospital. But the last thing I wanted was God. Or anything to do with God.
I was sick of trying to learn to walk again day in and day out. Trying to find words so as to put a sentence together after a brain seizure. For days after a brain seizure I'm like a toddler. My body doesn't want to function I have to learn how to do everything all over again. Your're probalbly wondering how I can write this blog. That's when you KNOW that you KNOW you have a really good friend who can translate and put into words all the things you want to say, even when you are having trouble finding the right words. When your brain doesn't want to cooperate. When you used to be able to do algebra in you head and figure up fuel mileagle and ETA's in seconds without a calulator. But now you don't even want to go online and chat because someone might call you retarded like my 19 year old son did this past Friday. I know he didn't mean it. He to get's frustrated cause he know's I'm not the Mom he used to have. The Mom who was proud to serve her country and wasn't afraid to go into battle. The Mom who fixed the neighbors car when it wouldn't start. The Mom who would roll into Town with a 2006 379 long nose extended cab peterbuilt that sounded like a freight train because I ran straight pipes on my dual exhausts so everybody would hear me coming! LOL! The Mom who would play basket ball and Soccer with her 3 kids, and the Mom who was Mom to all the Kids in the neighborhood no matter where we were stationed or where we lived!
So this is why I am trying to SURVIVE SUICIDE. In just the last Year I have lost my home,my job,my ability to walk more than 25 feet, thought processing, and just day to day simple tasks. And sometimes I even think I have lost the ability to believe that my Savior cares enough about me to Save me from myself.
Trying to SURVIVE SUICIDE is the hardest thing I have ever had to try to accomplish in my life and I only pray that I suceed in this journey as I have suceeded in so many things throughout my life. Lord please be with me as I continue to try and "SURVIVE THE GAME"!
When I was 18, I went to tech school to become a certified nursing assistant and worked in several nursing homes to include residental contracts. These contracts were for those who were confined to home but did not want to commit to a nursing home. Later I went back to school and began my education in tubular mechanical engineering in which I finished getting my bachelors degree thru the military. When I turned 21, I joined the Army and became a 63 bravo (light wheel vehicle mechanic). I thought I was ahead of the GAME. You know what I mean when I say, "The Game" THE WORLD, to be exact. When my battle buddy would greet me before P.T. (physical training) she would say, "How's things going?" and I would always reply. "Surving the Game!". And in a way You could say that I had been surviving the Game. I served for 8 years. I joined because my Dad was a soldier in the Marines, but I wanted to be more than just a SOLDIER. So I went Airborn, Air assualt, and finally sniper schooling while stationed at USAG Wiesbaden Military Training Area, Mainz Gonsenheim/Mombach, Germany.
I survived having been shot in the knee by a sniper in Somalia, and being hit by an IED in Bosnia. "Just Surving the Game!" Then after exiting the Army. I learned to Drive a Semi Tractor trailer. A big Rig! Yep lil' ol' me, driving a Semi pulling a 53 ft. Trailer. I drove for 9 years. All 48 states to include Canada and as far south as Mexico City. I honestly even drove the Ice Roads in Alaska, for two years before I had to retire due to my brain seizures. I went from driving for companies like Covenant transport, Swift, and Snider to owning 3 trucks and having 5 employees. While owning my own trucking company I also started my own transportation brokerage and found my own frieght and cut out the middle man for more profit. This inabled me to pay my drivers better wages and pay for more of their health insurance premiums. In my lifetime I have lived in 14 different countries and 19 states.
After all I had accomplished in Life and how hard and how good I worked at "Surving the Game", Here I am now 40 years old and in an electric wheel chair. With a decision each day whether to keep on living or to just give up. I'll be honest. I haven't been on line here at Chrisianity Oasis consistently for over 3 months because I did try to commit suicide. I was and am still tired of trying to "Survive the Game". Ocassionally I was allowed internet access while I was committed to the hospital. But the last thing I wanted was God. Or anything to do with God.
I was sick of trying to learn to walk again day in and day out. Trying to find words so as to put a sentence together after a brain seizure. For days after a brain seizure I'm like a toddler. My body doesn't want to function I have to learn how to do everything all over again. Your're probalbly wondering how I can write this blog. That's when you KNOW that you KNOW you have a really good friend who can translate and put into words all the things you want to say, even when you are having trouble finding the right words. When your brain doesn't want to cooperate. When you used to be able to do algebra in you head and figure up fuel mileagle and ETA's in seconds without a calulator. But now you don't even want to go online and chat because someone might call you retarded like my 19 year old son did this past Friday. I know he didn't mean it. He to get's frustrated cause he know's I'm not the Mom he used to have. The Mom who was proud to serve her country and wasn't afraid to go into battle. The Mom who fixed the neighbors car when it wouldn't start. The Mom who would roll into Town with a 2006 379 long nose extended cab peterbuilt that sounded like a freight train because I ran straight pipes on my dual exhausts so everybody would hear me coming! LOL! The Mom who would play basket ball and Soccer with her 3 kids, and the Mom who was Mom to all the Kids in the neighborhood no matter where we were stationed or where we lived!
So this is why I am trying to SURVIVE SUICIDE. In just the last Year I have lost my home,my job,my ability to walk more than 25 feet, thought processing, and just day to day simple tasks. And sometimes I even think I have lost the ability to believe that my Savior cares enough about me to Save me from myself.
Trying to SURVIVE SUICIDE is the hardest thing I have ever had to try to accomplish in my life and I only pray that I suceed in this journey as I have suceeded in so many things throughout my life. Lord please be with me as I continue to try and "SURVIVE THE GAME"!
Praying for you.