Christine's Journal
Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:40 amI guess I am just ready to break out of this rut I am in. It has been a long time since I have reached out to other Christians besides my mom and a couple close friends. I grew up in a Christian home, was saved at 5 years old and always felt a connection to the light. There was never a doubt in my mind that my life was to glorify my heavenly father in all that I would do. But as I got older, I started to slip farther away and chase after the things that the world considered the right way, or the fun way, or however you would want to put it. I was trying to break out of the mold of myself, the wrong way. I was selfish and prideful, and my way was nowhere close to what God's way was for my life. Several years in college were spent partying, drowning out any concience I might of had. I was depressed, anxious, angry, and even though everyone thought I was fun and hilarious and there were always so many people around me, I was alone. I had walked so far away from God, that I couldnt hear him or understand anymore. I guess about 3 and 1/2 years ago I was at the bottom of the barrel, and truly alone because now I was on what I thought would be an adventure overseas, but all it did was show me where I really stood. I started to write in journals and when I was able to get on a computer would look up books in the bible, I was so hungry for God at the very lonely point of my life it was almost unbearable. When I got back a close friend tried to commit suicide, everyone from my past was out of control and somehow I got right back in the mix of all of that emptiness. Shortly after I moved out of my college home, and started to take a step back, looking at who I was as alittle girl, and trying to figure out again, what was missing in my life. A few months later the love of my life and now soon to be husband came into my life. For the first time I was truly in love, but it was not the fix, it was the realization of how much God loves me,I finally got it. And it was weird how it hit like that. My heart soon was not so hardened and the realization of how my life the past few years had played out simply made me sick, it was like all of my emotional, spiritual, and mental wounds were cut open again even worse, cleaned out, and took a long time to heal. I had a hard time forgiving myself, even though I knew God had forgiven me, there I went trying to take it all on my own again. That started about 2 years ago and ever since I have been seeking and dedicating my life to Jesus Christ and striving to have a relationship with my heavenly father and savior. I am not afraid to admitt I was a prodigal, because by being open about my faults, sin, and past mistakes there is nothing to hide, there is no pretending that I am perfect like I used to think I was when I was younger. But there is understanding in how people get so tangled in certain lifestyles, why people harden up their hearts anytime someone brings up the name of Jesus. I want to connect with my Christian brothers and sisters. I still struggle in areas of my life, I get prideful about things if I feel like others are trying to put me down, i get anxiety about the fact I can not control things or people around me, even though I know God is the one in control and is the only one who belongs in control. I know that in being a Christian, hardships, trials and tribulations will happen, but back and forth up and down, I feel like my soul is constantly under attack whether it is anxiety in spurts, or feeling as if I am spiraling around in circles instead of moving forward with God's plan for my life. I have read tons of studies on C-O-O-L, read my bible, prophecy in the news, and consume my life in Praise and worship music, listen to pastors like Dr. David Jeremiah, Chip Ingram, Adrian Rodgers, and several others and pray. Not that I think that doing those things is what saves me, but I just need Jesus so much, and realize it now. But I feel like there is something I am not getting...why do I get consumed with so much anxiety? Am I trying to hard to still do things on my own??
Awww the anxiety comes from wanting to be in control...instead of allowing God to be in control. I have a friend...and she's always worrying...and it comes from the fact that she feels like she has to have a plan for all situations in her life and that she needs to work out all the details before she actually gets to the day or time of what is and will happen. It's like she builds bridges before she knows if there is even a creek to cross or not. I always tell her she needs to let go and let God...and she says...I say I'm gonna do this...but then I always take the situation back...it's like she can't TRUST God totally with what she is going through...so here in I believe may be the same issue which is causing you the anxiety...your Trust in the Lord. Work on trusting Him more and you less...and I think you might begin to find some release from your struggle.