Holding on by a hair!
Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 9:19 amand here it is almost 5 months later, well actually almost 4 months later. I am back on here and my mind is different. When I first came on the here,I had such a hunger and thirst for knowledge of God. The funny thing is I still do. I still have this thirst and I cannot seem to quench it. Even with all my other daily activities.
When this all first happened to me, I have felt brand-new and I knew that I was a child of God. I saw the world through a different light literally. and over and over again. I was told not to do anything to alter the state of my mind because there were things that God wanted me to do. I know this because he spoke to me and told me everything that would happen to me up until I lost my way.
I constantly question myself if I had actually had a true transformation or should I say start of transformation or was it all in my mind? And my answer is always, everything that I have seen everything that I had dreamed and everything that was spoken to me was real. I just could not handle it. So I went back to my comfort zone. Not completely, but maybe too much in a couple areas of my life.
And I have altered the state of my mind constantly over and over and all the while I still can think clearly. When I say I can still think clearly. I mean, I hear him still, I hear him asking me or calling me to come home and if I just listen. I would see how much God loves me because every time he takes me back. But I noticed something different about this time. Even though I continue on in my own state of mind knowing that every day I am making the same decisions which can cause a huge downfall for me, I still hear him calling me home.
Before when I would turn away. I did not experience, I strongly what I am experiencing now. That evening while in an altered state of mind and myself will of guilt. I still hear his voice, which takes me to..."My children hear My voice" it seems as though this time since what happened in August that I hear Him so clearly. And it is not what I expected. I do not know, I guess I expected him to be angry. I expected him to say I never deserved this gift and that he should have never placed his hand in my life. I thought I would hear I am a failure. I should have never chose you. Or maybe I should have known. Oh I did not know and I still give you a chance and you messed it up.
And now that I say these things out loud, it sounds foolishly like me putting myself down and all the while God is just calling his child home because I wandered. But I am not gone, I have strayed and I hear my Father calling me. Which leads me to this question. Why haven't I answered?
Maybe what I am trying to say here is that I do not understand God's love and I never will understand fully. I just know that he loves me unconditionally even in my wrong he calls my name. It should be so easy for me to just open my mouth and say, "Father, please forgive me because I have strayed away, I took some old habits back, but I do not want them anymore and I am afraid that if You do not intercede, I will stop hearing your voice too. And then I will be lost."
Maybe I am just asking now knowing that later I will find myself back in the state of mind. I should not be in. I am a weak now and I need You to carry me through this. I do not want to get lost... I want to be found. My faith lies in the fact that I know You will come for me. I know I should be seeking You. But I am at a time in my life where I need to be found and put back on track.
So here it is, in October. I was so strong and did not see myself like this in only a few months later. I cannot say that my life is completely messed up. Because there have been major changes in me. There are things that I have not gone back to because it is simply not in my will anymore. That is why I say, everything that happened to me a few months ago. It is true.
Something happened in my life that started the transformation from the inside of me out. I had dreams and I had felt the presence of God and the Holy Spirit and Jesus as a physical feeling. And it was powerful, but I remembered, in one of my dreams. Jesus said, "do you surrender", and I said, "yes, I surrender"
When I woke up the next morning I was brand-new. I tried to live my life as I normally would. But my equilibrium was off, things look brighter to me, there was a constant presence of God, and there was a hunger that kept me inside my home day in and day out studying the word of God.
It was too much for me. I knew I had put something on myself. That is something has brought me to this point because I had looked for balance. A balance. I thought I could do myself. And it turns out that the balance. I found was completely insufficient and has brought me to this state of mind. I failed myself when all I had to do was look to God who would not have failed me.
So now, here I am broken again, helpless, like a babe searching for milk from its mother. And afraid to ask for forgiveness for repeated offenses and the ones to come. Because I would be lying to God, if I said right now, that I can stop on my own. And that, I cannot live with myself lying to God. My heart will not let me. So now that I said all this, I finally got off my chest. What I have been holding in for so long.
And just as Jesus saved me before, my faith is that, He will do it again because I am calling Him. I am calling on Him and I know He hears me.
now all I need, is prayer from you, my brothers and sisters that God can intercede in my life. I am currently in school, which is pretty funny in itself. Because my first two courses are philosophy and theology. I guess what I am trying to say is, God has heard me and in his own way. He is calling me home. And I am answering, "Yes Abba" "Yes, Father." "Yes to Your will and yes to Your way...Yes Lord."
When this all first happened to me, I have felt brand-new and I knew that I was a child of God. I saw the world through a different light literally. and over and over again. I was told not to do anything to alter the state of my mind because there were things that God wanted me to do. I know this because he spoke to me and told me everything that would happen to me up until I lost my way.
I constantly question myself if I had actually had a true transformation or should I say start of transformation or was it all in my mind? And my answer is always, everything that I have seen everything that I had dreamed and everything that was spoken to me was real. I just could not handle it. So I went back to my comfort zone. Not completely, but maybe too much in a couple areas of my life.
And I have altered the state of my mind constantly over and over and all the while I still can think clearly. When I say I can still think clearly. I mean, I hear him still, I hear him asking me or calling me to come home and if I just listen. I would see how much God loves me because every time he takes me back. But I noticed something different about this time. Even though I continue on in my own state of mind knowing that every day I am making the same decisions which can cause a huge downfall for me, I still hear him calling me home.
Before when I would turn away. I did not experience, I strongly what I am experiencing now. That evening while in an altered state of mind and myself will of guilt. I still hear his voice, which takes me to..."My children hear My voice" it seems as though this time since what happened in August that I hear Him so clearly. And it is not what I expected. I do not know, I guess I expected him to be angry. I expected him to say I never deserved this gift and that he should have never placed his hand in my life. I thought I would hear I am a failure. I should have never chose you. Or maybe I should have known. Oh I did not know and I still give you a chance and you messed it up.
And now that I say these things out loud, it sounds foolishly like me putting myself down and all the while God is just calling his child home because I wandered. But I am not gone, I have strayed and I hear my Father calling me. Which leads me to this question. Why haven't I answered?
Maybe what I am trying to say here is that I do not understand God's love and I never will understand fully. I just know that he loves me unconditionally even in my wrong he calls my name. It should be so easy for me to just open my mouth and say, "Father, please forgive me because I have strayed away, I took some old habits back, but I do not want them anymore and I am afraid that if You do not intercede, I will stop hearing your voice too. And then I will be lost."
Maybe I am just asking now knowing that later I will find myself back in the state of mind. I should not be in. I am a weak now and I need You to carry me through this. I do not want to get lost... I want to be found. My faith lies in the fact that I know You will come for me. I know I should be seeking You. But I am at a time in my life where I need to be found and put back on track.
So here it is, in October. I was so strong and did not see myself like this in only a few months later. I cannot say that my life is completely messed up. Because there have been major changes in me. There are things that I have not gone back to because it is simply not in my will anymore. That is why I say, everything that happened to me a few months ago. It is true.
Something happened in my life that started the transformation from the inside of me out. I had dreams and I had felt the presence of God and the Holy Spirit and Jesus as a physical feeling. And it was powerful, but I remembered, in one of my dreams. Jesus said, "do you surrender", and I said, "yes, I surrender"
When I woke up the next morning I was brand-new. I tried to live my life as I normally would. But my equilibrium was off, things look brighter to me, there was a constant presence of God, and there was a hunger that kept me inside my home day in and day out studying the word of God.
It was too much for me. I knew I had put something on myself. That is something has brought me to this point because I had looked for balance. A balance. I thought I could do myself. And it turns out that the balance. I found was completely insufficient and has brought me to this state of mind. I failed myself when all I had to do was look to God who would not have failed me.
So now, here I am broken again, helpless, like a babe searching for milk from its mother. And afraid to ask for forgiveness for repeated offenses and the ones to come. Because I would be lying to God, if I said right now, that I can stop on my own. And that, I cannot live with myself lying to God. My heart will not let me. So now that I said all this, I finally got off my chest. What I have been holding in for so long.
And just as Jesus saved me before, my faith is that, He will do it again because I am calling Him. I am calling on Him and I know He hears me.
now all I need, is prayer from you, my brothers and sisters that God can intercede in my life. I am currently in school, which is pretty funny in itself. Because my first two courses are philosophy and theology. I guess what I am trying to say is, God has heard me and in his own way. He is calling me home. And I am answering, "Yes Abba" "Yes, Father." "Yes to Your will and yes to Your way...Yes Lord."
