Journal I
Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 5:32 amNOTE: This was my first post when I tried to do the 14 step but I posted it in a different place. I have stopped posting anything after this one because I could not find this specific place but now that I found the right place to post my journal, I will do it.
It is 12:52 a.m. I thought I would be able to sleep but just like last night and many other nigts for the last eight months, sleep is elusive. I have been angry and bitter and resentful and it is destroying me, and my relationship with God and my family. I have been married less than a year now but I came face to face with the pain of betrayal last August. My husband and I got physically separated right after getting married because of my work but we (including his mother) have agreed that after two months when he is done with the work he has to do for his mother would follow me to the US. The two months were up and he told me he was not done yet, we both agreed that after a month whether he is done or not, he will have to come to the US. When the month was up, he called me up and said, he was not coming anymore and that we should just leave each other be for now. I asked him what the problem was, if he was depressed (he was treated for depression when he was in medical school, but he kept from his own family), he said no. I asked him if there was any third party involved, man or woman, he denied any, he just asked to be left alone. I said I will go to him, he said not to because he was planning to leave his country for another country soon. My mind, emotion and heart went cold. I was angry, I asked him, if he did not want me in his life then why did we even get married. At that time he did not have any answer to that question. For months I was alienated from him and his family. I wanted to go to him but I wanted to give him space, I trusted him 100% and I believed him when he said just to give him some space. I was soooooo wrong. Finally in April I told him I was going to him. He said he is leaving his country. I never heard from him for over a month then finally in June he responded to my messages and he said he is back in his country and that I could come home. I arrived in his country without letting anyone know. I went to his mother's house (he lives with his mother- culturally acceptable because the house is going to be his anyway when his mother passes away and he looks after his mother), the minute he openned the door, I knew something between the two of us is horribly wrong. You see, my husband is one of the most kind hearted person I have ever known and that is one of the things that drew me to him, this time though, even if he never said a word, anger and something in his eyes bordering hatred was written all over him. His first words were, "I do not love you!" I could not even move much less say anything. When I finally found my word, I said " I am not here to try and force myself to you if you do not want me in your life but I need to see you and talk to you in person, I am your wife and nothing will erase that fact now. I found out he has a pregnant woman living in the house. I went upstairs after I had to endure his mother's ugly words towards me, found the woman hiding in what was his mother's bedroom which by the look of it, they have made into their own bedroom. Even if I was in shock, I spoke with the woman and asked her questions. She was able to tell me that she was about three monthspregnant, 21 years younger than my husband, and she knew she was livingwith a married man and that they have been together right about the time my husband said he was not coming to join me in the US anymore. I was speechless. I was humiliated and angry but I was still trying to be as graceful as I can in the midst of my husband's mother's insistence that I should initiate the divorce process as soon as possible since they do not want me anymore and that it was the speediest way of dissolving our marriage. No show of concern about how I was doing and how I was taking everything I just discovered. I felt my world cave in at this time and felt so alone and friendless. By the time I left the house with my husband (he did not want us to talk in the house) to the hotel, my heart was so shattered. In the hotel room, my husband just sat there saying nothing. He would not look at me or even hold me. I knew in my heart that he is gone. He did tell me once more that he did not love me and loved the other woman and will build a family with her. I asked him to be honest with me and tell me why we even got married, his answer was 1. because he thought marrying me would give him a better opportunity of advancing himself professionaly by coming to work in the US but then also, 2. it is a hard for him to really explain because there are some things so complex he can not adequately explain, somethings rooted in his own personality and the way he was brought up and his role in his family. And then he started saying things that amounted to this idea, he was blaming me because he said he was not ready to get married. I told him you are either a very good liar or you need a doctor. It is true that he did say that he was not ready to get married but I have said no to him once when he asked me to marry him for the reason that we really did not know each other very well yet since we lived in two different continent. When he asked me again to marry him, I sat down and aske dmy self, am I willing to marry him even if I just personally met him six months ago? We were communicating(thanks to a mutual friend) via e mail and phone for seven years before we met each other in person because of the distance. Knowing what I know of him, (especially the depression and the seeming dependence of his mother to him) and his family, am I still willing to marry him? I said to myself, I love him and I feel he love me too and he tells me he loves me and yes, I accept him as he is, his mother included. I was willing to have his mother live with us. I knew he had a lot of self esteem issues but I was determined to help him. Looking back I do not know if that determination to help change him is the culprit in the mess we both are in. I am back in the US now but not after I had another meeting with him where I was so angry at him I said horrible, horrible things to him about himself, and his family. I believe they all conspired to hide from me the fact that there was indeed another woman involved and when she got pregnant, they still would not tell me anything. He was too much of a coward to face me and tell me himself until I went to the house and found out myself. I wanted to go to court and sue him so he could be stripped of his professional licenses, etc anything to get some form of what I call justice but then my lawyer pointed out that in cases like ours, the line between justice and revenge is blurry, and I have to think of the time, money and the bother of having to travel back and forth from one country to another for the court hearings. My family point blank told me to let him be, God is not blind or deaf and He is in control. What does one do in cases like these? I cry, I stay awake when I should be sleeping. I lost so much weight, I look horrible.
Through all this, the overwhelming thought that I was horrid in my words to both my husband and his mother bothers me. I know I also had a part in this mess but I am so lost I do not know where to even start picking up the pieces. I want to move on, I do not want to be angry and bitter and resentful but it seems everything just feeds and fuels all these negative emotions/ psyche. I blame myself for having been so blind and foolish in not having picked up on the blatant signs and the subtle signs that there is something not right when we got married. Honestly though, the things that he showed me now did point to the fact that he probably had doubts about getting married but was just not strong enough to come right out and tell me, that we should not get married. I suspect he was pressured by the fact that his mother was right there in every turn and every decision and was worried that if he did not push through the marriage, he will disappoint his mother more than anything. He was 42 at that time for goodness sake!
So what do people do in my place? He and his family has been very callous in demanding I file the divorce now since I am to blame. I told them I will but we both have to come together and meet with an elder who we both have sought before we got married to talk to us together. They refused, they said they did not see any point in meeting with him.
I am not sure if I even make sense. I can not even pray or talk about it with my family. I feel so alone and friendless.
It is 12:52 a.m. I thought I would be able to sleep but just like last night and many other nigts for the last eight months, sleep is elusive. I have been angry and bitter and resentful and it is destroying me, and my relationship with God and my family. I have been married less than a year now but I came face to face with the pain of betrayal last August. My husband and I got physically separated right after getting married because of my work but we (including his mother) have agreed that after two months when he is done with the work he has to do for his mother would follow me to the US. The two months were up and he told me he was not done yet, we both agreed that after a month whether he is done or not, he will have to come to the US. When the month was up, he called me up and said, he was not coming anymore and that we should just leave each other be for now. I asked him what the problem was, if he was depressed (he was treated for depression when he was in medical school, but he kept from his own family), he said no. I asked him if there was any third party involved, man or woman, he denied any, he just asked to be left alone. I said I will go to him, he said not to because he was planning to leave his country for another country soon. My mind, emotion and heart went cold. I was angry, I asked him, if he did not want me in his life then why did we even get married. At that time he did not have any answer to that question. For months I was alienated from him and his family. I wanted to go to him but I wanted to give him space, I trusted him 100% and I believed him when he said just to give him some space. I was soooooo wrong. Finally in April I told him I was going to him. He said he is leaving his country. I never heard from him for over a month then finally in June he responded to my messages and he said he is back in his country and that I could come home. I arrived in his country without letting anyone know. I went to his mother's house (he lives with his mother- culturally acceptable because the house is going to be his anyway when his mother passes away and he looks after his mother), the minute he openned the door, I knew something between the two of us is horribly wrong. You see, my husband is one of the most kind hearted person I have ever known and that is one of the things that drew me to him, this time though, even if he never said a word, anger and something in his eyes bordering hatred was written all over him. His first words were, "I do not love you!" I could not even move much less say anything. When I finally found my word, I said " I am not here to try and force myself to you if you do not want me in your life but I need to see you and talk to you in person, I am your wife and nothing will erase that fact now. I found out he has a pregnant woman living in the house. I went upstairs after I had to endure his mother's ugly words towards me, found the woman hiding in what was his mother's bedroom which by the look of it, they have made into their own bedroom. Even if I was in shock, I spoke with the woman and asked her questions. She was able to tell me that she was about three monthspregnant, 21 years younger than my husband, and she knew she was livingwith a married man and that they have been together right about the time my husband said he was not coming to join me in the US anymore. I was speechless. I was humiliated and angry but I was still trying to be as graceful as I can in the midst of my husband's mother's insistence that I should initiate the divorce process as soon as possible since they do not want me anymore and that it was the speediest way of dissolving our marriage. No show of concern about how I was doing and how I was taking everything I just discovered. I felt my world cave in at this time and felt so alone and friendless. By the time I left the house with my husband (he did not want us to talk in the house) to the hotel, my heart was so shattered. In the hotel room, my husband just sat there saying nothing. He would not look at me or even hold me. I knew in my heart that he is gone. He did tell me once more that he did not love me and loved the other woman and will build a family with her. I asked him to be honest with me and tell me why we even got married, his answer was 1. because he thought marrying me would give him a better opportunity of advancing himself professionaly by coming to work in the US but then also, 2. it is a hard for him to really explain because there are some things so complex he can not adequately explain, somethings rooted in his own personality and the way he was brought up and his role in his family. And then he started saying things that amounted to this idea, he was blaming me because he said he was not ready to get married. I told him you are either a very good liar or you need a doctor. It is true that he did say that he was not ready to get married but I have said no to him once when he asked me to marry him for the reason that we really did not know each other very well yet since we lived in two different continent. When he asked me again to marry him, I sat down and aske dmy self, am I willing to marry him even if I just personally met him six months ago? We were communicating(thanks to a mutual friend) via e mail and phone for seven years before we met each other in person because of the distance. Knowing what I know of him, (especially the depression and the seeming dependence of his mother to him) and his family, am I still willing to marry him? I said to myself, I love him and I feel he love me too and he tells me he loves me and yes, I accept him as he is, his mother included. I was willing to have his mother live with us. I knew he had a lot of self esteem issues but I was determined to help him. Looking back I do not know if that determination to help change him is the culprit in the mess we both are in. I am back in the US now but not after I had another meeting with him where I was so angry at him I said horrible, horrible things to him about himself, and his family. I believe they all conspired to hide from me the fact that there was indeed another woman involved and when she got pregnant, they still would not tell me anything. He was too much of a coward to face me and tell me himself until I went to the house and found out myself. I wanted to go to court and sue him so he could be stripped of his professional licenses, etc anything to get some form of what I call justice but then my lawyer pointed out that in cases like ours, the line between justice and revenge is blurry, and I have to think of the time, money and the bother of having to travel back and forth from one country to another for the court hearings. My family point blank told me to let him be, God is not blind or deaf and He is in control. What does one do in cases like these? I cry, I stay awake when I should be sleeping. I lost so much weight, I look horrible.
Through all this, the overwhelming thought that I was horrid in my words to both my husband and his mother bothers me. I know I also had a part in this mess but I am so lost I do not know where to even start picking up the pieces. I want to move on, I do not want to be angry and bitter and resentful but it seems everything just feeds and fuels all these negative emotions/ psyche. I blame myself for having been so blind and foolish in not having picked up on the blatant signs and the subtle signs that there is something not right when we got married. Honestly though, the things that he showed me now did point to the fact that he probably had doubts about getting married but was just not strong enough to come right out and tell me, that we should not get married. I suspect he was pressured by the fact that his mother was right there in every turn and every decision and was worried that if he did not push through the marriage, he will disappoint his mother more than anything. He was 42 at that time for goodness sake!
So what do people do in my place? He and his family has been very callous in demanding I file the divorce now since I am to blame. I told them I will but we both have to come together and meet with an elder who we both have sought before we got married to talk to us together. They refused, they said they did not see any point in meeting with him.
I am not sure if I even make sense. I can not even pray or talk about it with my family. I feel so alone and friendless.
.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. It is my prayer that God heals your pain and restores to you even more than what was taken from you.