In need perspective...
Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 5:12 pmNov. 25, 2010 Thanksgiving Day
Went up to my sister's for dinner. It was really nice. But I was quiet. I didn't feel like myself. I didn't say too much. Just wanted to be home. I am tending to internalize it and beat myself up about it. I wasn't really nervous as much as I felt like I was unable to focus. After I got home, these feelings of condemnation came against me because I felt unable to entreat others in conversation. Again, I was questioning myself about having Alzheimer's. Something is definitely wrong with me. That's how the night ended. I tried to rebuke the self condemnation but was not really successful. There was a vague feeling of being a "misfit." My sister and BIL went to so much trouble for us to have a bountiful dinner. I was glad everyone else seemed to be enjoying themselves.
Nov 26, 2010 The day after Thanksgiving
I'm still feeling introverted, defensive and unable to think properly. I did some typing at home today (my job) where I feel most normal. Later this afternoon my sister called crying telling me that all hell broke out at her house after we left. Her son Joe and his wife Sharon have been trying to have a baby. They are doing invitro. The first time it didn't work and she miscarried. They tried again and she is pregnant this time. Joe told my sister but told her not to say anything to anyone yet. But then his wife had an episode of bleeding and it was a scare. My sister told me, my husband, and her sister-in-law, asking for prayer. Anyway, it was awkward on Thanksgiving because we all knew she was pregnant but no one wanted to say anything because we weren't supposed to know. Eventually her son's wife passed a folder to Gigi (my sister's SIL) that had pictures of an ultrasound she had. It was passed around. At that point I assumed it was common knowledge. Then I took a look at the ultrasound. I didn't say much except that I couldn't make heads or tails of it. Then as they were talking about what each person thought it would be, boy or girl, I said, "Should we take bets on whether it will be a boy or girl?" Everyone basically said boy. I said I think it might be a girl. That was all I said. I didn't congratulate Sharon and Joe. I am sorry for that. It was awkward because it wasn't officially announced and there was the undercurrent of miscarriage from the last time. So besides feeling the Alzheimer's fears I was dealing with, then I look back and see how rudely I behaved. I wasn't thinking of their happiness, just about how introverted I was feeling. My sister said after we left there was a big argument because her son and his wife were mad at her because she had blabbed and stole their joy. Her son cursed her out with some very vile words. Now there is distention and strife in her family. Oh, how I wished I had expressed joy for their good news.
Went up to my sister's for dinner. It was really nice. But I was quiet. I didn't feel like myself. I didn't say too much. Just wanted to be home. I am tending to internalize it and beat myself up about it. I wasn't really nervous as much as I felt like I was unable to focus. After I got home, these feelings of condemnation came against me because I felt unable to entreat others in conversation. Again, I was questioning myself about having Alzheimer's. Something is definitely wrong with me. That's how the night ended. I tried to rebuke the self condemnation but was not really successful. There was a vague feeling of being a "misfit." My sister and BIL went to so much trouble for us to have a bountiful dinner. I was glad everyone else seemed to be enjoying themselves.
Nov 26, 2010 The day after Thanksgiving
I'm still feeling introverted, defensive and unable to think properly. I did some typing at home today (my job) where I feel most normal. Later this afternoon my sister called crying telling me that all hell broke out at her house after we left. Her son Joe and his wife Sharon have been trying to have a baby. They are doing invitro. The first time it didn't work and she miscarried. They tried again and she is pregnant this time. Joe told my sister but told her not to say anything to anyone yet. But then his wife had an episode of bleeding and it was a scare. My sister told me, my husband, and her sister-in-law, asking for prayer. Anyway, it was awkward on Thanksgiving because we all knew she was pregnant but no one wanted to say anything because we weren't supposed to know. Eventually her son's wife passed a folder to Gigi (my sister's SIL) that had pictures of an ultrasound she had. It was passed around. At that point I assumed it was common knowledge. Then I took a look at the ultrasound. I didn't say much except that I couldn't make heads or tails of it. Then as they were talking about what each person thought it would be, boy or girl, I said, "Should we take bets on whether it will be a boy or girl?" Everyone basically said boy. I said I think it might be a girl. That was all I said. I didn't congratulate Sharon and Joe. I am sorry for that. It was awkward because it wasn't officially announced and there was the undercurrent of miscarriage from the last time. So besides feeling the Alzheimer's fears I was dealing with, then I look back and see how rudely I behaved. I wasn't thinking of their happiness, just about how introverted I was feeling. My sister said after we left there was a big argument because her son and his wife were mad at her because she had blabbed and stole their joy. Her son cursed her out with some very vile words. Now there is distention and strife in her family. Oh, how I wished I had expressed joy for their good news.
moments of regret, where I think I should have said this, or I should have said that, and oh, what a wretch I am. It can, however, drive a person crazy and into self-pity, if we hang onto regret for too long. Instead, repent, pray and ask forgiveness, and Thank The Lord for the humbling revelation and for His renewal.