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Since I have not kept up, I need to start over again. Especially since I need to get Stepping Stone #1 and #2 under my belt. It takes me reading and rereading to get it into my mind and hopefully my heart. I was feeling okay yesterday, however, I felt kind of not in need really, so I felt a little disconnected from the Lord. I haven't really connected these past few days with Him in prayer. Obviously, there is a blockage.

Anyway, I went to my Bible study last night. There are women who are full of the Holy Spirit and speak wonderful truth and knowledge. However, as my emotional bondage is feeling like I don't fit in, kinda like a square peg in a round hole, as I always have, it is difficult to get up the courage to go each week. I rarely speak, feeling I have not much to contribute. I have to stop myself sometimes because I want to say something, just to say something. I want to feel like I have something to contribute; but I also am learning and want to be content to speak only when and if the Lord leads.

There is a girl who is fairly new to the group, and she I'm gathering has social issues and negative thoughts about herself as well. As she was one of the last to leave last night, I overheard another girl praying for release of her negative thoughts. So I lagged behind and after that girl left, I went over and hugged her and asked if we could pray together because I am dealing with negative thought issues as well. Of course, I was afraid and probably didn't pray well. I'm thinking maybe I overstepped my bounds and I'm way off base. I don't know. I feel kind of strange now. Should I have done that or not?

Last night when I got home I went over Stone #1 and #2 again. I didn't sleep too well last night, tossing and turning, thinking. This morning I'm still second guessing myself. Then out of no where I get this onslaught of thoughts and pictures of myself being in a group of women and freezing like a deer in the headlights. I say things that are not relevant. I stand out like there is a spotlight on me, looking like a wallflower and people having looks on their faces ranging from feeling sorry for me to wanting to get away from me so I don't embarrass them. My thoughts came in like a raging tidal wave. So then I'm thinking, how could I ever help this new girl? The thoughts above (in bold) to me are my worst nightmares. In some cases I have felt like they came true, however, that was from my perspective looking from the inside out.

I need God's perspective to help me with this emotional torture. I think I can see that satan is behind the attack, as I look at it now. Trying to paralyze me and keep me from moving forward in FAITH. Especially not wanting me to reach out to this other girl.

dabs hi

As I read your shared thoughts dab I can't help but see how the enemy is attacking you with doubt...and you are receiving that doubt because you believe it. You will receive what you believe...

Spend some time really talking with the Holy Spirit...get to know him intimately...then you will know his prod when He wants to speak through you...and can tell the difference of when the enemy might be trying to attack.

Praying for you dabs.

luv ya

dabs

What a nightmare. Yikes!

There's no judgment in Christ. So when you feel this social pressure you can turn to Him in your thoughts and remind yourself you are free from the bondage of judgment. If others judge they are not doing the will of God so you don't have to carry their thoughts and words that are binding you to this social anxiety.

You are loved, accepted, and cared about.

Look at how this woman prayed with you. That is proof that you were accepted and cared about. How cool is that. Was it wrong of you to ask for prayer. I'd say no. How wonderful it would be to have a brother or sister in Christ to come and ask for prayer. If anything I'd say you showed an example of how the body is suppose to be. Humbling and willing to ask and receive a bit of help in time of need.

Glad to see you are back and seeking a deeper relationship. Your post encouraged me to seek Him deeper at this moment. How cool is that.

Take care. Praying for you.

Hello Dabs

God bless you this day.

You said:

I went over and hugged her and asked if we could pray together because I am dealing with negative thought issues as well. Of course, I was afraid and probably didn't pray well. I'm thinking maybe I overstepped my bounds and I'm way off base. I don't know. I feel kind of strange now. Should I have done that or not?

I say...
Wooooooohooooooooo!!!

...you feel kind of strange now. Which says to me, you stepped out of your comfort zone and reached by God's urging.

I think that is one of the most difficult things to explain about this journey with God. We'll often find ourselves in situations that He places us in -- doing things we normally wouldn't do at all. And yes, afterwards we think "why in the world did I do that?"

That's just it -- it was HIM, not you. Oh, He did use your heart and your mouth to speak and your hands/arms to reach out, but it was by His urging. And it is NOT uncommon for us to later to wonder why we did that. But as you continue to grow in Him, you'll see, hear and feel the difference...Was it me or Memorex? was it me or God?

You'll know, deep down you will know.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Mack

Hello again dabs , glad to see you back

Along with 100% agreement with all that I read so far , point of view from my standpoint , if its worth anything at all (see ? I'm thinking like you now huh ?) ... Well dabs , that is EXACTLY my point , but here's the thing , if I keep doing that , I will never be able to utter another word .

A little trick my sponsor passed on to me was , "If you want to say something , do something first , and then , tell us what you did " , See , at first I didn't grasp what he was saying , so I got myself all tangled up with the "What is it that I need to do's" little that I know , I was thinking of others rather than myself and my fears and "whatever it was that was blocking me from saying something " in other words , I was looking for some thing to say , make sense ?

Here's the deal dabs , you have a lot to say now don't you ? Just take a look at what you DID and HAVE BEEN doing ? . Talk , and tell them about those , the girl , the prayer , coming here telling others of the "blockage" , sharing it with everyone else , taking action to break the walls , and all that , oh wow those are a lot of "DO's" that other people NEED to hear and waiting for someone to say FOR them right ? So THERE !
ALL in the name of our Lord .

Keep on keepin on dabs


In Christ , our Lord

I'd say you are on the right track dabs because the enemy is trying hard to get you to believe you did wrong and keep you down
This group sounds like the right place for you to be. You will get those square edges rounded to fit the round hole in now time. Talk more with that Spirit filled woman... let it rub off on you.
So glad you are willing to learn... let Holy Spirit guide.

Hi Vahn,
I am having trouble understanding what you mean. Could you break it down for me? I feel like I'm on the edge of understanding but I slipped off.

My apologies dabs for not mentioning or rather , pinpointing the subject of interest in my reply .

I was , more focused on the seeming "inability" to speak our mind in the presence of the so-called "more knowledgable" ones , than anything else .

We are , naturally afraid of saying things at times because of a lot of factors , as in my case for example , the first time ever telling truth about what was it that 'I' wanted to do sent me across the room by my father , hence , since then , and up until the time of recovery , I always tended to "keep things for myself" so to speak , always being afraid that speaking my mind would be dealt with harshly ... but , here's the catch , THE WANTING TO SAY never stopped , I mean my head was like a washing mashing , going I want-I can't-I want-I can't ... (no wonder they call it an agitator !!) So , to break that cycle (how fitting of a word huh ?) ,
following the suggestion of my sponsor , when in front or amongst "the more knowledgables" (which by the way , in the past , gave me the less than sense) I started telling about things I DID and continued to speak of the results of my actions , hence "breaking the ice" , put a ever slight chink in the wall that I had built up , and with the positive responses (as opposed to involuntary flights across rooms) I received , made me go "hmm , this isn't bad after all" , so , the rest is history , today they can't even try to keep my mouth shut !
Another catch , I have to continue to DO things and then talk about what I did and what the end result was , next thing I know there's a discussion on the table ! . Win-win situation isn't it ?


In Christ , our Lord

P.S.

Just in case .

By "DO" , I mean application of Spiritual Principals to my daily affairs .

Thanks, Vahn. That absolutely DID clarify what you were saying. So, stating out loud to others what you DID following spiritual principles enables you to not be afraid. Is that what you mean?