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I don't make good choices for myself sometimes. Today was both good and bad...if that makes sense. I need to let things in my life go...and it is soooo hard. I want God to be first and to follow His will but that will never happen if I hang on to people that I do not need. I am sooo weak.

My stepping stone today touched me deeply. It made me cry reading it but I can't figure out why. It talked about the Holy Spirit...being REAL. WHy did I not get that before? I have been a Christian since I was 8...always been in church, Christian family. I don't have a screwed up background at all. But I learned today...TODAY that the Holy Spirit will SPEAK to me, FOR REAL!! And it said He knows my deepest , darkest secrets. THAT made me cry. I feel my whole life is a secret. There are things that I can't and won't tell anyone. Just people involved know. Things that are my fault and I take the blame for. It led me to be depressed and disappointed which led to me needing an escape from my life ...and BAM....I just went for it. And all the lies I believed and I turned my back on God. I turned my back on my family....on my purpose. I just wanted to be someone else. For a while I was and I was really happy (living in lies and sin). I was so wrong. There was always this feeling...a voice in my head..telling me I was messing up. I just blocked it out. Then things started to fall apart more in my life...and the chaos got crazy and I knew...I had gone so far away from God. That really scared me. So...here I am working my way through the steps and 2 going 2 steps forward...then back one...then forward one. UGH
I do want to feel how real the Holy Spirit is...I want to get that close to God. Please pray I can focus on going forward only.

Hey SB

Step 11!!

Well sis.... I will keep this short He speaks through so many here....

First.... you may have wandered.... 'far from Him' but He didn't wander from you and as soon as you made that choice to turn around, He was there... right there.

sbennett wrote:THAT made me cry.

First.... for cryin!! Awesome!! Ya may think cryin is a sign of weakness..... but it isn't. That is a tool the enemy loves to use.... if we don't cry we keep it locked inside.... then we gotta keep other stuff in there to keep the pain buried..... so more pain is added.... and so on. Cryin is a natural release when things get "too full"
I am praisin that you allowed yourself to do so!!

sbennett wrote:I feel my whole life is a secret.

maybe it is but as you learn to trust, maybe He will lead ya to someone safe to share with... keepin it bottled inside ties into what I shared just a minute ago..

sbennett wrote:There are things that I can't and won't tell anyone.

Again.. perhaps in time but sis... somethin to think about... why?
sweet! that was a quick list Sis, you may not wish to share openly.... for your own reasons, but know something..... sharing frees you from the guilt n pain that remains by keeping such a secret.... your heart doesn't want to carry it.... so it keeps showin ya... so you can take it out for the garbage man to haul away.
I can tell ya personally..... there is NOTHING you could share that would lead me to not talk to ya anymore or to not luv ya. In God's "eyes" all sin is equal... I too have sinned n fallen short of Gods Glory... IN fact, God showed me not too long ago... that if I take HIS Law, word for word, literal truth, I have broken every commandment...yep, every single one, over the course of my life. Gasp! surely not every one.... uh huh.

"Man Lani is weird, she done told everyone she has broken every commandment either by thought or deed and that nutty girl is smilin"
Praise Him for His Grace which meets us where we fall short In truth, I don't know one person here who can honestly say they are sinless You are NOT alone sis in this respect or any other.

Not one of us can or should judge you sis! So, when you are so led, share here or privately and allow God's Light (an Grace) to cover ya.

sbennett wrote: Just people involved know.

K, I get this but it can be a curse too.... cuz ya worry about whether they will "tell" and it is outside your control.... that too causes caos in our hearts... take the control back sis again, in time. No Worries.

sbennett wrote: Things that are my fault and I take the blame for.

ok... they were your fault and ya took blame... now what?
carry the pain, guilt, and shame forever and ever? Why in Heavens name would ya wanna do that?
God already knows ya done slipped, you accept the part you played.... and now ya hafta choose... carry it forver or ask forgiveness and leave it at the curb....
Lemme break it down this way

Monday is Garbage day, you have collected garbage all week... normal household stuff ... then come Monday morning you stop at the gate n think.. "hmmm well this is my garbage, why should the garbageman take it, it is mine" so ya lug it back in and put in next to the garbage can with its new clean ready to be filled bag.... k... now fast forward to Next Monday, ya got last weeks garbage sittin on the floor, this weeks garbage in the can, needin to be taken out for the next week but ya have that "well it is my garbage" thought again... and so on.... hmmm think anyone can smell the pot roast and apple pie in the oven?
not likely with three weeks of garbage hangin in there too

All kidding aside.... God keeps no record, take it to Him n tell Him ya can't figure out what to do with this.... He knows just what to do.
Also, if you are holdin on to hurts from others in your past.... "well I did this, but she did that first... and he did this before that"... what is your record's purpose? ammo later? Ya won't get the chance ya want to fire that ammo so it isn't doin ya any good as is. Sis, forgiveness releases the prisoner, after ya forgive... all to often ya learn that prisoner was you. Forgive those who hurt you and forgive you too; He does.

sbennett wrote:It led me to be depressed and disappointed which led to me needing an escape from my life

But, know what this sentence needs.....
It also led ya here! Sooooooooooooooooooo for that, I am thankful!!

When things fell apart... that lil voice was still there huh?
Told ya! He never left ya

As far as your 2 steps forward 1 step back.... well sis, I definitely don't want to disappoint you but we all do that dance at one time or another Welcome to bein human.

My prayers remain that God's Will be done in n for ya girl.

Hope tomorrow rocks!

Step 12!!!
Peace n Love in Christ,
Lani




PS... did I say I'd keep it short? wow, I lied! Please forgive me

Hi ya sis. Those things still hidden in darkness will haunt you till you get them out. Perhaps that is why we are told to confess to one another. Not for forgiveness but so we would let it go. You can share.

You are Free from judgment.

I'm so glad to hear that you know who the Holy Spirit is now...and the best part is you can begin building a firm relationship with Him...and get to know Him and how He is within you and makes you who you are...when you allow His light to shine through you to those all around. I'm so excited for you.

You've come a long way sbennett...all those steps back you have taken are nothing like the steps forward you've made in the last 11 days...and there are so many more steps forward to come.

luv ya

Holy Spirit is good