Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

I'm here just to give it a try. I think I am depressed. I did not go to see any psychologists. I thought I'd still rather find someone who believes in God. I don't want to bother my friends with my problems. Although they tell me to call them if I have any problems, I guess I just don't want to hear something like "it's just the way you look at it and in reality it's all different" as if my reality is not a reality at all. Or hear something like "look around - there are so many people with bigger problems" and I am aware of that too and I do feel sorry for these people, though mostly all of the time unable to help them, feeling able only to worsen their wounds and bring them more damage if I start to talk.

I sometimes feel that there is a damaging power inside me. I ruined most of my relationships by now. My best friends remain friends because they think I don't communicate with them because I am busy working. And I am not - I just don't want to communicate. I don't call them and at times I see them - I allow them to talk most of the time, because I just don't want to open up and pour all the terrible thoughts I have inside. I see them once a week and at these moments I gather the best of me and show off. I smile with the most sincere smile there is. Last Sunday I even talked to a girl who comes to church even more seldom than I do. We talked about coming closer to God. It's a good topic though. The problem is when I wake up in the morning I don't want to talk to God. And at times when I start to talk I feel he would not listen to me, and gave up on me. I know in theory and practically as well - he cannot give up on me - he still keeps me alive. But no one knows when my day will come. Maybe he'll just say one day "it's enough" and who knows what will happen. I think i would not like that day because I don't want to go to hell. To know there is no hope anymore is such a misery. I think many times I feel I can never change myself. And more I think I will never let God change me, because I can't believe in him completely. my heart is like that soil with thorns - whenever i hear a good word i accept in and it begins to grow in me and then it gets choked. usually i do not complete what i start and so does this word. I start relationships and i "choke" them - i just stop communicating. i don't know if there is a team of people on the other side of this program of just a "computer" that tells me which step is next to follow.

anyway, i hate myself that i am this way. i have emptiness inside - dreams that can't develop because i stop half way through. I am afraid to start new projects because i can't promise i am gonna finish it. l2 weeks ago i met a guy who said he wanted to help. we started to talk on messenger and shared pics. he liked me and i did not like him as much. i just needed help and he offered it. i accepted somehow. then he started to behave like he would get married to me and my world would change - he'd help me "open up" to the world. but i know it's a myth! he started to tell me i'm beautiful all the time. he does not know a thing about ME! i shared with him about organization, a mission, i work for and he applied to come. this is where i went back into my shell again. i told him i was not going to get married to a foreigner and have English as our second language. i could feel he got disappointed - he became sarcastic about my English and how i should thank him it improved while talking to him. i hate men. i guess i am honest. whoever reads it - i don't need your sympathy and pieces of advice as well. most of men i had friendship with had intentions to marry me in two weeks and every time i got to know about their intentions i would brake them. every time i observed someone likes me - i would do anything to stop them, they don't like me any longer. there is a muslim guy who still follows me and thinks as a christian i would not brake his heart, and i just avoid him i know i can bring demage. my heart does not feel God. i had times when He answered me and it became my testimony. at those times i had love towards people and thought i have future. but at those times i did not solve real problems, ignored them, saying to myself "I have no problems now". Even 3 years ago i thought i was afraid to get married and put someone down forever. but later i also felt i can make anyone happy. it's ups and downs.

my family is all broke now. my father was a pastor and at 17 on the day of communion in the church when my father was serving it i learned that my brother spied for father last night and found him in a bar drinking and with women. i don't know how it affected me. just remember i could not stop crying in church. i think later i just ignored that. i never talked with father about it. we rarely talk. he baptized me. i felt this all might have been fake long before. i knew it's not right, but he is my father and i felt comfortable to be called pastor's daughter. 3 years later i moved from my family to another city to study in a college. i left them suffer without me. my father became an aggressive alcoholic after he left pastorship saying he got tired, lying. he stopped going to church. i have a sister, married, who lives in america. my five brothers who stayed at home are now in a worse condition than i am. they are just younger. but when the time will come for them to have a family i have no idea how happy a family they nay build. my oldest brother (they all are younger than me) lives with a girl like a family. lonely. my third brother has problems with lust. my second is in army. and 2 youngest can talk about father's being drunk - they hid their pain inside. my mother does not go to church also. all of us went away from church. we slowly perish. miserable. unable to communicate - all talks between us is about problems. seems there is no way. i was probably brought away from my family to get stronger in faith. but i haven't yet. and my heart is like a sieve - it can't hold love. my biggest pain is my family. and i am not able to help it, because in general i don't know how.

Hello Lenavv,

Welcome to the Oasis. We are so very glad the Lord has brought you here.

As I read through your journal, I see a lot of lies that the enemy has been telling you over the years to try and keep you from getting closer to Jesus. See the enemy will do anything to keep you apart from the One who can bring you joy in your life. Jesus loves you Lenavv very much and He wants to bring you healing. He wants to see you able to have the hope that you say you have lost...it's still there sis...and it's found in Jesus...so time to start seeking it....you do deserve the healing...and you deserve frienships and love...and most of all you deserve Jesus presence in your life every day.

I read how you have a hard time with relationships...and I tend to think maybe there was some trust lost between you and your dad after he turned to the bottle...and this has effected your other relationships in your life. I want to say that the enemy came after your dad and used alcohol to take him away from his walk with the Lord. This is where prayer is important...praying that God will retouch the heart and bring your dad back to the Lord.

You are on the right path sis...there is healing in these steps. Push through and finish them and you will be glad you did.

Praying for you. Come visit us sometime in the chatroom.

Take care and God Bless

Hello Lenavv,

God bless you this day.

You said:

i don't know if there is a team of people on the other side of this program of just a "computer" that tells me which step is next to follow.

The COOL Confidential Christian Counseling (CCCC) Study -- the 14 day Path Study -- can be found here:

http://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/Forum.htm

If you have already begun reading the Study, great -- if not, then I welcome you to do so.

There are many of us who read and pray over the CCCC Blogs, and we post responses, as The Spirit leads.

I'm sending up prayers to Lord Jesus on your behalf. God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you.
In His love,
Sister Mack

thanks to you for your replies.
I've been a christian since childhood. every Sunday i went to church with my parents. we have a video of me reciting a poem at the church. i have an elder sister. i remember our grandmother would always say she has a better memory for poems. we were always compared. i take more after my father and my sister takes after our mother. my father kind of divided us into a "mother's daughter" and a "father's daughter". i was his favorite. i watched him and noticed what we have in common. i liked his analytical thinking, that he doesn't speak much of unimportant stuff, he has always been a boss - he had been a pastor for 17 or so years till i was 20. right now i try to remember times when he would spend time with all of us at once and - it's almost never even when he was a pastor. he has always been a good imaginary father to me. i idealized him more than i knew him. and my brother told me what he really was doing, i did not want to believe it. i blocked this information, saying to myself i did not see it and therefore will not believe it's true. and it was an evil truth. i never checked it. we ignored the matter - it was none of our business - he's a big boy to know what he's doing. i think my father started to drink about 10 years ago while he was still a pastor. back then we were building a big house as to live happily all together. it's a huge house with 8 bedrooms. we all chose a separate room like in hollywood movies. and the more the house was completed the less people wanted to stay there. my sis got married and moved to another country. i moved to another city. my brother went to army and then started to rent an apartment. my second brother is in the army now, my third lives almost all the time somewhere at his friends, my mother and my youngest brother live at our grandmother's. and only my 4th brother lives in that house with our father - if anyone may call it this way. my brother dwells in his room upstairs, playing computer games most of the time. and my father i guess just lays on the sofa when comes from work and watches tv. rarely he can be normal, but at times he cusses, curses everyone, his analytical thinking worsens his thinking about others. he's in depression. he says it'd be better if he died.
I DON"T WANT TO BE LIKE HIM. and i know that somehow i am. i can't change it.
and we seem to be tortured by the same spirits.

you spoke about Jesus. i don't think i know him personally with all these years of church going. i can't understand what to know him means now. i experienced him several times though, but to have constant relationships is something i guess i'm not capable of. i wanted to know my life's purpose and even if i got to know it i'd went proud or fearful and failed. i know i disappoint many.

Lenavv

I can see the confusion you are having... loving your father but not wanting to be what he has become. And also believing that our Heavenly Father is like what your father has become. But I've got to tell you... YOU ARE YOU! You are an individual unlike any other and God made you that way.

Like Mac said, do the study that is offered and it will help you. It will walk you through your problems slowly. Even though it is a computer putting the day by day lesson up, it was God that wrote the study in the first place. Putting it on the writer's heart. You will find that the issue you are dealing with will be the issue of the lesson of that day. And we will be here for you if you need any encouragement or help along the way.

some time ago i had a small revelation a new understanding that really my real father is the Heavenly Father. and my earthly father is just a person about twenty years older then me. but it was just for a while. he is an authority above me and i am not to teach my father how to live. i can't help him.

i wish i would notice more of what God is doing rather than worry about what my earthly father is doing and about how it effects people around and how it effected me.

i am reading the steps.

Hey lenavv, knowing Jesus is like building any other relationship. What you must know first about Jesus is He loves you and forgives us of our sins when we ask. He died for us so that we can be free from what life throws our direction. It's never too late to reach out for Jesus...He is always waiting...just like the father of the prodigal son....He will welcome you home with open arms. To get to know Jesus...means to talk with Him...He knows all about you...so tell Him what's on your mind...tell Him what makes you happy, sad, angry. Ask for His help in your life. Read your Bible and listen to Christian music...Fellowship with other Christians...Pray...these are all ways to grow closer to Jesus...and He really wants you to let Him in...He wants to be your best friend.

Keep seeking sis...you CAN do this.

luv ya

some time ago i had a small revelation a new understanding that really my real father is the Heavenly Father.

Amen!

When you need a daddy God can give you all you seek.


God bless and keep you.

i read today about the evil spirits. for now i have an obsession - i keep telling myself that i hate myself and i hate my life. is that me? or the spirits ideas? did i give them space? i know there are some things that i've continuously been doing wrong. do i have a perverse spirit?
i have no real goals or dreams. seems like it's such a plan that a person loses his time unable to be happy and when a happy time comes this person realizes that his time is lost and starts blaming himself for losing the time and gets depresses again. this reminds me. i know i could be happy now instead of being miserable.
but maybe i just like to get attention and i get this attention in a distorted form when i get "sick" of everything.

Lenavv...you seek attention from people...when you need to seek attention from God. He will give you all the time you want sis...please Him first.

As far as telling yourself stuff...that is the enemy whispering lies to you and you are repeating them..you have to take control over the lies and begin to offset them with truth.

Healing is a choice sis...you have to make a decision...you either want to accept the healing God offers or you don't...I"m going to be a bit honest here...attention seeking is not good sis...it's selfish and it hurts others...because sometimes there will be someone who really needs help...and you might be seeking attention at the time they need help and they don't get help because someone is busy filling you with attention...because you are seeking it for yourself. Work on seeking your attention from God only...and not people and you will find yourself healing and moving forward and growing with God.

luv ya

Lenavv wrote:i read today about the evil spirits. for now i have an obsession - i keep telling myself that i hate myself and i hate my life. is that me? or the spirits ideas? did i give them space? i know there are some things that i've continuously been doing wrong. do i have a perverse spirit?
i have no real goals or dreams. seems like it's such a plan that a person loses his time unable to be happy and when a happy time comes this person realizes that his time is lost and starts blaming himself for losing the time and gets depresses again. this reminds me. i know i could be happy now instead of being miserable.
but maybe i just like to get attention and i get this attention in a distorted form when i get "sick" of everything.

Hello Lenavv

God bless you this day.

If you are a born again child of God, you have the indwelling of The Holy Spirit, and He is much greater than any other spirit. Wooooohooooo!!!

Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.

You've received some awesome revelation from today's Stepping Stone. The Holy Spirit is right there with you, Lenavv, and Truth is working in you. Keep on the Path, it is evident that The Word of God is being planted deep within and is already showing signs of growth.

Yeah!!!

God bless and keep you.
In His love,
Sister Mack

Lenavv you have lots of questions that I believe will be answered in time, through the Lord if you seek Him. Most of your questions have been my own questions at some time or another. So you're not alone in your thinking.

I would say you're not seeking attention but healing and something is trying to hold you back from it. So simply bind the spirits that are not of God. That easy. You have the power as you read in the study today and like Mack said, He is with in you and He is greater than anything else.

With that said, we do have to be careful that we don't fall into that victim mode and seek attention. We all love attention, to be though of as special and to be loved. We also can get use to being in the victim mode or sick mode and struggle to get out of it cause it's what we are use to. Anything else feels a bit scary. Being healthy and strong spiritually, mentally and physically is worth laying down the illness and receiving healing. The enemy wants to keep us sick so he plants seeds of fear of the unknown in our minds. We don't know what it's like to be well so we fear it. Trusting God with it is the way. He has all the answers.

Be patient with yourself, healing takes time. Work on one thing at a time. Slow and steady. Allowing God to be the one who heals. Rest in His arms.

I still have times I hate myself and my life. The anger towards myself sometimes can be scary. That's when we must remember Gods grace is sufficient for us. No matter what we've been through, are going through, or expect to go through He is right there and walking beside us. He has a plan and it's to prosper you, not to harm you. Cause He is good like that.

God bless and keep you friend.

Sending up prayers for you.