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Wow, yes I have a lot of weeding to do. It's a source of excitement and fear. Excitement because I have been dealing with this mess for so long I'm tired, I don't want to mess with it any more. Fear cause I have been dealing with this mess for so long I don't know anything else. It "keeps me safe", boy is that a big fat lie. It just keeps me chained. Plus I am not gardener. I tried a garden once, and weeded it and ended up pulling the plants with the weeds. What if I don't know the difference.

WARNING-AFTER WRITING I WANTED TO COME BACK UP HERE TO LET YOU KNOW IT DOES GET A LITTLE GRAPHIC

This morning was SO hard. I get so bombarded with thoughts mostly designed to get me riled and this morning it was working! Between rehashing everything in my head and not understanding whats going on, why I cant let go of things, asking God to help me let go, to go down another bunny trail, of our conversation last night, see we are trying to "start over", re-get to know one another, learn to trust (more my part than his), no hurt. And every time I question the trust or hurt issue when we talk, I get well I thought we were starting over. Well ok yes we are starting over but how do I automatically turn on the trust and off the hurt? And why do I get rid of those automatically but he can act the same?
Then we have a friend at church, who has talked with both of us, and needless to say I got the brunt end. I wrote her on FB in a message because there were things I didn't want out, like the way my husband treats me sexually, that I hated it, didn't want to do anything to him for him, but I did cause I knew it is my duty. I was told that I was making it all about me, me, me (which I cant disagree with totally, I got lost in the shuffle of things a long time ago and have become selfish) and single-handedly ruining my marriage. Though what all she said was not wrong she used the verse used in day to about the wounds of a friend. to be honest I was glad she was as honest and bold as she was cause I am wanting to find out where I am wrong. Have been asking God for such a person. After her telling her what goes through my mind was basically told that God wired men with a sex drive and though some are depraved healthy sex drive does not make them depraved. I can't withhold sex, (which I said I hadn't) for either of us to do so would defraud the other. It was like the things I said like, the times he forced me, or where he received release and I nothing, was looked over and I was in the wrong again, and now I get the cold shoulder she doesn't talk to me. In my mind totally washed out all the "preaching" she did making her really no better than she accused me of being. I have the messages saved, not really sure why. Maybe to go back and see what was said to see where I am wrong what I need to do, or maybe to torture myself, I am good at that. But that is not what 1 a friend should do 2 what a christian should do if they are going to reprimand a brother or sister to bring them back.

Now I have gone off and vented and don't really know where I went or was going with it all. I don't know how to shut off the thoughts, i pray, I rebuke them and its like they are never ending.

I'm sorry if I have offended anyone with what I have posted!! I just want/need this to stop. I want to understand but I'm too lost in myself to see to far ahead.

I am looking forward to weeding all these things out! And truly allowing God to help me get them where they belong, behind me, never to be allowed to hurt me again!!

And that is where you begin...you pull out those thoughts no matter how many times they pop up. You have to forgive your hubby and let go to begin again. Everytime the past hurt of what He did pops up you have to remind yourself that you said you were going to let it go.

Sis...your husband and you deserve a healthy sexual life...that is what a marriage is about...and sometimes you will give and other times he will give and the other may not receive...but pleasing him in your marriage sis...should make you happy...and yes I know you have sexual desires to be fulfilled...but you have to communicate these things to your hubby...and also trust that in the times your desires aren't fulfilled that there will be a next time...and for now your hubby is content and that should bring peace and joy. I mean Poverbs 31 does say that a husband should be a wife's king...and treating him as such is pleasing to the Lord.

Keep pulling those weeds sis...take them one at a time....and pull them up...try not to pull too many at once as they won't come up by the root and you might break part off and leave some behind that will sprout again later.

Prayers continue for you and your hubby.

luv ya

what if I'm too bitter. Sometimes that's how I feel.

In my other post someone had said that when I change and he sees it then he will change. The sad thing is that's what God has been telling me all along. Had I done that and been patient I pretty positive things would be totally different. but I CANT let go. or wont is more likely. Im not sure who I'm fooling most.

See I know the truth, I know God is patient but am afraid He'll give up me. I'm a mess. I go round and round with these lies. And don't know how to get off the ride.

I honestly want to change my thinking, get rid of this baggage. It's almost like an addiction. I'm good for a bit then not strong enough to withstand the with drawl

someday I WILL be able to stop whining and being fertile ground for lies!!!!!!!!!

what if I'm too bitter. Sometimes that's how I feel

what if you aren't...and God has better plans for you

In my other post someone had said that when I change and he sees it then he will change. The sad thing is that's what God has been telling me all along. Had I done that and been patient I pretty positive things would be totally different. but I CANT let go. or wont is more likely. Im not sure who I'm fooling most.

You can let go sis...you can...with God all things are possible...so grab hold of Him sis and ask for His help...submit yourself to the Lord and His ways.

See I know the truth, I know God is patient but am afraid He'll give up me. I'm a mess. I go round and round with these lies. And don't know how to get off the ride.

God never gives up...He is always there waiting....He loves you and has a better plan...to get off the ride...you have to step on the brake...and that my sister is to speak Truth to yourself.

I honestly want to change my thinking, get rid of this baggage. It's almost like an addiction. I'm good for a bit then not strong enough to withstand the with drawl

That's why you have to lean on God's strength...and stop trying to fight the battle alone.

someday I WILL be able to stop whining and being fertile ground for lies!!!!!!!!!

Amen sis...you believe it and you will receive.

luv ya [/quote]

sometimes i sound like a broken record..but!!!! have you read The Love Dare??? check it out, sis...it really is an eye-opener! youll see alot of things you didnt see before.

praying for you in all of this.

in Jesus,
love momo

I agree with momo...LOVE DARE is worth the reading!

hello sister

I don't have much to add except have you spent much time talking to God about your intimacy with your spouse and listening to what he has to say about it. Sometimes it's just a feeling that grows inside of you after you ask Him to give you the right feelings towards His son, your spouse.

God bless and keep you. His good and perfect will be done in all things.

love you!