looking over my garden
Posted: Tue May 04, 2010 12:22 pmWell I was doing my chart this morning and there is something that the Holy Spirit keeps telling me. Which I do not think I have been listening too well? So today I have stopped and gone back to look over my garden.
what I am hearing is: "You think too much."
My friend in Memphis told me along time ago that she did not understand how I could focus on more than one thought at a time ? I can sit here and study my steps and at the same time my mind can be working on many other issues that are demanding my attention. Needing answers that i do not have.
Though I am retaining New infro. my mind still runs around looking and evaluating everything else that is in there. I am also like that in the physical. No matter how tried I feel and just want to stop I keep running around with my head chopped up thinking I am accomplishing something only to find it has to be done over again.
My mind never rests. Even in sleep I am trying to fix things. Put them in order and dice them up in to smaller pieces to handle. There are voices that continue to talk to me. (not voices as in I am delusional) but things that are said to me during the day. I am trying continually to answer to all these things.
The only time there is any slowing down is when I can get alone with the Holy Spirit. Everything goes away but being in this place with the Holy Spirit. But the minute I exit the room everything flys back at me as if I had not just been in the present of the Holy Spirit. And now there is absolutely no time to go to my room and pray with the Holy Spirit. I can not hear my mama in my room. And her voice has gotten very weak. To hear her you have to almost get in her face. I do not sleep in my room my mother sleeps in a hospital bed in the livingroom so I sleep in the recliner by her. She has always had to have noise going when she sleeps so the tv is on all day and night. So I do not even have the time I once did for my moments with the Holy Spirit. When I sit here at the table trying to pray and start my morning with God. I have to stop every few minutes for my mama. She also thinks alot. She will ask if this or that happened. Or she is thirsty something. I know being tried is a very bad thing when you are in a constant battle.
But I can not really blame this on this moment only. It has all ways been this way. My mind running around and evaluating everything. Every word, every action, every fear, every motive. It's like on the 4th of July standing in a crowd of people all talking at the same time and fire works going off in the skys. You hear everything and you see everything at one time. But I never get to leave. It is always the 4th of July in my mind.
I once wrote poeity and wrote songs to play. for must people it comes so easy to focus on the thought pattern of what is in the heart to write. But never for me. I knew what I wanted to say in my poem but my mind would think of so much that I would have to go back and start at the beginning of the thought to get in down on paper. I knew way back then there was something wrong with my mind workings. I just did not know what.
I know to fill the mind with scripture, music, etc. and it can be a temporary fix.
My world has from the day I can remember been filled with stress and turmoil. I think this would be root that has caused this habit of thoughts.
As I said I am always thinking but never resolving anything. I work so hard in my mind only to find nothing changed or fixed.
I am excited and frustrated at the same time.
I know this is the big one! The one that holds me down and chained to never be able to reach where I know I should be with God. Where I am in a room alone. Or in the mist of 4th of July. It should be so different than it is.
I know that the Holy Spirit is telling me it is time to deal with this. I have been so many places with the Holy Spirit. And when I let go and follow him. I have always came out the better person. Free of what ever he has asked me to face. I mean free for ever of it. So I am excited.
but, I also have thoughts running in my mind as I write this. " You know better than to hope to be free of this" "You have tried before" "This is bigger than you" " why try and be so defeated that you lose the ground you have gained?" I know this is the devil, the thing is what is beginning thrown at me is the truth. How do you fight that? I know that the devil is a lair, he can not speak truth, but my life experience confirms what is being said. Does any one understand what I am trying to say?
See I have already brought my self to tears and I want to stop. Leave it alone and move on. Put it back into it's hole and bury it. I feel the insanity of it. And I am afraid of it. This is the thing I spent my young adult life trying to overcome. I spoke with pastors, I told my family, I told doctors.
The pastors prayed and left and moved on. My family could not understand what was wrong. I even went into the hopsital at the request of my family. They ran their tests, to find nothing amiss, they sent in the their therist she asked if I heard voices? She wanted to put me on all these pills to "help" me. And then go through intense therapy to "get in touch with my self" Later on I spoke with a pastor and his wife. I pour out everything to them. And they told me I needed to stop I was going to have a nervous break down. See that is the thing what lays within me is so tense when I show it it frights others. They just don't know what to do with me? Every time I get close to this subject it is what i feel I am going to break, and I can't break too many respondiblities to others. So I fight it down and back into the hole and bury it deep deep and leave it alone.
That is how I have surived all these years. Leave it alone.
And now the Holy Spirit is telling me it is time to face this! And I will because It IS THE HOLY SPIRIT that asks it of me. I am not going to be well for a while. What if I can't overcome it? what then? See even the answer I use to dwell on is now entered mind. Suicide. I know this spirit very well and I have resisted him most of my life. I just know it is the only way to be done with this, with me.
Please do not be worried that I would do anything like that I know first hand it is not me who suffers from such an acted. but those left to deal with it. It is where I end up in my mind when I look at this. I am stronger than Suicide it can only put the though in the mix. But I love my God enough never to reject him in such away.
Sorry I have written this down, but i do not know how else to face it. So I tell you all here.
sandrad
what I am hearing is: "You think too much."
My friend in Memphis told me along time ago that she did not understand how I could focus on more than one thought at a time ? I can sit here and study my steps and at the same time my mind can be working on many other issues that are demanding my attention. Needing answers that i do not have.
Though I am retaining New infro. my mind still runs around looking and evaluating everything else that is in there. I am also like that in the physical. No matter how tried I feel and just want to stop I keep running around with my head chopped up thinking I am accomplishing something only to find it has to be done over again.
My mind never rests. Even in sleep I am trying to fix things. Put them in order and dice them up in to smaller pieces to handle. There are voices that continue to talk to me. (not voices as in I am delusional) but things that are said to me during the day. I am trying continually to answer to all these things.
The only time there is any slowing down is when I can get alone with the Holy Spirit. Everything goes away but being in this place with the Holy Spirit. But the minute I exit the room everything flys back at me as if I had not just been in the present of the Holy Spirit. And now there is absolutely no time to go to my room and pray with the Holy Spirit. I can not hear my mama in my room. And her voice has gotten very weak. To hear her you have to almost get in her face. I do not sleep in my room my mother sleeps in a hospital bed in the livingroom so I sleep in the recliner by her. She has always had to have noise going when she sleeps so the tv is on all day and night. So I do not even have the time I once did for my moments with the Holy Spirit. When I sit here at the table trying to pray and start my morning with God. I have to stop every few minutes for my mama. She also thinks alot. She will ask if this or that happened. Or she is thirsty something. I know being tried is a very bad thing when you are in a constant battle.
But I can not really blame this on this moment only. It has all ways been this way. My mind running around and evaluating everything. Every word, every action, every fear, every motive. It's like on the 4th of July standing in a crowd of people all talking at the same time and fire works going off in the skys. You hear everything and you see everything at one time. But I never get to leave. It is always the 4th of July in my mind.
I once wrote poeity and wrote songs to play. for must people it comes so easy to focus on the thought pattern of what is in the heart to write. But never for me. I knew what I wanted to say in my poem but my mind would think of so much that I would have to go back and start at the beginning of the thought to get in down on paper. I knew way back then there was something wrong with my mind workings. I just did not know what.
I know to fill the mind with scripture, music, etc. and it can be a temporary fix.
My world has from the day I can remember been filled with stress and turmoil. I think this would be root that has caused this habit of thoughts.
As I said I am always thinking but never resolving anything. I work so hard in my mind only to find nothing changed or fixed.
I am excited and frustrated at the same time.
I know this is the big one! The one that holds me down and chained to never be able to reach where I know I should be with God. Where I am in a room alone. Or in the mist of 4th of July. It should be so different than it is.
I know that the Holy Spirit is telling me it is time to deal with this. I have been so many places with the Holy Spirit. And when I let go and follow him. I have always came out the better person. Free of what ever he has asked me to face. I mean free for ever of it. So I am excited.
but, I also have thoughts running in my mind as I write this. " You know better than to hope to be free of this" "You have tried before" "This is bigger than you" " why try and be so defeated that you lose the ground you have gained?" I know this is the devil, the thing is what is beginning thrown at me is the truth. How do you fight that? I know that the devil is a lair, he can not speak truth, but my life experience confirms what is being said. Does any one understand what I am trying to say?
See I have already brought my self to tears and I want to stop. Leave it alone and move on. Put it back into it's hole and bury it. I feel the insanity of it. And I am afraid of it. This is the thing I spent my young adult life trying to overcome. I spoke with pastors, I told my family, I told doctors.
The pastors prayed and left and moved on. My family could not understand what was wrong. I even went into the hopsital at the request of my family. They ran their tests, to find nothing amiss, they sent in the their therist she asked if I heard voices? She wanted to put me on all these pills to "help" me. And then go through intense therapy to "get in touch with my self" Later on I spoke with a pastor and his wife. I pour out everything to them. And they told me I needed to stop I was going to have a nervous break down. See that is the thing what lays within me is so tense when I show it it frights others. They just don't know what to do with me? Every time I get close to this subject it is what i feel I am going to break, and I can't break too many respondiblities to others. So I fight it down and back into the hole and bury it deep deep and leave it alone.
That is how I have surived all these years. Leave it alone.
And now the Holy Spirit is telling me it is time to face this! And I will because It IS THE HOLY SPIRIT that asks it of me. I am not going to be well for a while. What if I can't overcome it? what then? See even the answer I use to dwell on is now entered mind. Suicide. I know this spirit very well and I have resisted him most of my life. I just know it is the only way to be done with this, with me.
Please do not be worried that I would do anything like that I know first hand it is not me who suffers from such an acted. but those left to deal with it. It is where I end up in my mind when I look at this. I am stronger than Suicide it can only put the though in the mix. But I love my God enough never to reject him in such away.
Sorry I have written this down, but i do not know how else to face it. So I tell you all here.
sandrad