step 5
Posted: Mon Apr 26, 2010 11:00 pmIsn't it strange how the devil will come to distract you while you are working in the garden trying to pull up weeds? He comes and says to you "what is that you have in your hand there? Oh is that blame and anger I am not sure you would really want to pull up these; I thought I would bring by for you to see this before you went through with pulling up these wonderful weeds I have given you."
I would like to share the reason why I have made this statement here tonight. I hope that what i am going to share will help others that are going through the steps be aware the the devil will come and try to reason with you as why you have a right to your anger and blame. It really is not strange, you can actually be grantee that the devil will come to steal and destroy your good seeds you are planting. And try to get those weeds a growen.
I have three children by my second marriage: have you ever heard of jumping out of the frying pan into the fire? Well that is what I did.
I jumped from a bad marriage to a horrifing marriage.
I left their father when I was 8 months pregant with my twins.So the twins have never meet their father. He was an IV user before i met him and he had been clean I don't know how long when we meet. I just know he was not using. I felt that everyone deserved a second chance and I had others reasons in my head as well why it would be ok to marry this man.
when the twins were 6 weeks old their father kidnapped my son Bubba he was a little older than 2 years old. There was fight and I lost their father had left me in the street for died. He had taken my son into La. right over the bounder of Texas. He had kept my son in a crack house for two days before i was able to get him back. there was one more time he had kidnapped my son Bubba and again there was a fight and i lost. He bite me on my arms like a dog shakes it's head and tears loose the flesh.
I was beaten and he left with my son again.
He tried to kill his own dad and step mom by cutting the gas line in their house. He has held a knife to his patrol officer's throat. The violence in the man is deadly. It was at this time I learned to fear with a great fear. I learned to run and hide when he was out of prison. He has spent at least the last 21 years in and out of prison. When he was in I could breath when he was out I ran and hide my kids away.
I have never wanted to harm anyone, but at one time in my life I could have shot him dead with out a second thought. It was fear that made me to be able to shot him.
As for myself I was to blame, and I hated myself most of all. God had given me a definite NO do not marry and I disobeyed him. I chose with my own will to disobey. I thought (pride) I could help him.
So for the last 16 years I have carried blame, hate, shame, rage, murder, I guess the list could go on but I will stop here.
When the twins were about 5 or 6. I got before the Lord and i had asked for forgiveness. I with all my heart had forgiven their fahter all his tresgressions. I thought of what he had gone through as a small boy and I tried to remember him as a small boy. though I continued to run because i was not foolish enough to think just because I had forgiven him he would not hurt me or the kids.
I also kept pictures of him for the kids so they could see who their father was. i also knew the day would come that they would want to meet him. I felt my job was to keep them safe until they were old enough to protect them selves as well as know how to get away if they were in danger.
And that day came. First with Bubba and he had a hard lesson to learn. but he found out what he needed to know. Bubba beat him up because his daddy came looking for me at my job. which I had told my son do not speak of me to your dad nor let him know where i am, he will come after me. I moved away right after that time and quite my job. Because he knew where I was.
Then Micheal went to Beaumont where he is in prison to see him.
Now Michelle has been writing her dad in prison. She is so happy and loves her dad because he is saying all the right things she needs to hear.
when she began writing her dad I told her she was to say nothing of me or where I live. But she could not do that and she gave him my P>O> Box for him to send letters to her. i tried to explain to her that by him having my p o box he knows where i am living. She being young does not understand how dangerous that is for me. She thought because it was a pobox it would not give him enough info to find me.
I got the mail from my box today and there a letter from him to Michelle.
I read this letter.
He was very angry with Michelle because she had not written him in a while. And that anger was turned toward me. He told her how much he hated me that his drug use was my fault, I destroyed his life. and over and over he said he hated me. I was to blame for his whole life. I took his kids away and he has searched all these years trying to find them. It's all my fault everything. He called me a few choice names and continue to rage in the letter about me.
The first thoughts that came to mind was to just kill him as I had planned to do years ago if ever he came near me again. I should have hunted him down like he hunted me. And finished it way back then.
I was in such a rage in my head. How dare he try to convince my daughter that i was to blame for him being absent in their lives. All the old wounds and fears flew into my head. i was shaking so bad I could hear my on teeth rattle. Rage and Fear a horrible combination.
I had finished with step 5 but maybe just an hour or so when I received the letter.
oh at this moment i felt I had every right to feel the rage to hate enough to kill him, to stomp out his life, and why was he not already died all those drug dealers he stole from and in form on. Why has God still let him live?
A red flag was waving as hard as it could wave to warn me to slow down take a breath.
I could not find my way through this to stop. So I got back on the computer and came home to Oasis. Here where there was love and peace of mind. And I went back and read all the posts that my sister's and brother's have written to me here. And I began to calm down. I could think clearer.
I am now laughing because the devil came to steal and destroy and he used one of the greatest tools he has against me my childrens daddy.
I went back before the Lord and again I forgave Gary. For I now see this man needs forgiveness he needs help and only God can give that help to him. Gary is raging at the world and blaming everyone and everything for how his life has turned out. YOu know I had wanted him died, but he already is. and that makes me sad. If he could find his way to God well that is what he needs more than anything else in this world. So would you all please pray for him.
Now has far as my fear of him goes, I am very much aware of his rage building up and I know the danger it could cause me. He gets out in June of this year. All he has is time to think of all the wrong he feels I have done to him.
but I will not fear any more. Nor will I run and hide. I will trust in my Father as I always have and the proof of his faithfulness is I am still here and well and un harmed. And my fathter is my stronghold and refuge.
what have i to fear for the Lord is with me.
As far as the rage I felt at first. I am going to turn that rage into love with just as much tensity has i felt the rage. I am going to commit myself to pray for Gary every day. I will lift him up to God and allow God to deal with him. For vengeance is the Lord and recompense is the LOrd's. I pray that God will rescue Gary before he dies. So that he too may go to heaven and be happy finanlly.
As for blame I have not in a long time felt I needed to blame Gary for anything. I made choices and I blamed my self and i felt great shame and felt the need to defend my self when i told of this part of my life.
I wanted to justify myself. I am free from this self rightious behavior. I pull up these weeds with both hands and toss them into the fire.
but one thing I learned to day by reading this letter was the the choke hold blaming has on someone. so much rage and hate all because he blames me. I do not want to be that kind of person it's why I know I will continually work on keeping that weed from ever taking root in my garden again.
so when I was able to come to terms with these emotions. I called my daugther and told her she had a letter from her dad to come and get it.
If i had called before I dealt with my emotions. I would have explored on her blaming her for bring this fear back into my life etc. I would have wound her with my words and would have done so on propose until I had calmed down and realize what I had done. Then I would be full of guilt and shame for may words.
So any way Praise God that he was in control and took a bad thing and used it for good.
I told her she was to write her dad and tell him he could not send any more letters to my P.O. Box. And I told Michelle if another letter appeared in my box it would go into the trash right there at the post office. So she needed to make other arrangements to receive mail from her dad. I spoke calmly to her but i was very firm about him not using by mail box.
this could have been a very bad night. If I had exploded, because in turn my daughter would have expolded as well.
My daughter read the letter and was shocked to read what he had written. It hurt her to see this side of him. He told her he was disappointed in her that she too would turn on him after all he had been through his whole life.
I feel sad for my baby girl. She had such hopes. She needs her daddy as every girl needs their daddy. But she is up set over the things he was saying about me. And now she does not want to talk to him any more. I am not sure what the answer is for her where her daddy is concerned? I just know her heart is broken again. so please remember her in your prayers.
Again I praise God that i did not add to her broken heart by raging at her. i thank God he intervened with me before i called her.
so beware all of you who are doing these steps. Stay alert and deal immediately with what ever the devil throws at you.
your sister in Jesus Christ
sandrad
I would like to share the reason why I have made this statement here tonight. I hope that what i am going to share will help others that are going through the steps be aware the the devil will come and try to reason with you as why you have a right to your anger and blame. It really is not strange, you can actually be grantee that the devil will come to steal and destroy your good seeds you are planting. And try to get those weeds a growen.
I have three children by my second marriage: have you ever heard of jumping out of the frying pan into the fire? Well that is what I did.
I jumped from a bad marriage to a horrifing marriage.
I left their father when I was 8 months pregant with my twins.So the twins have never meet their father. He was an IV user before i met him and he had been clean I don't know how long when we meet. I just know he was not using. I felt that everyone deserved a second chance and I had others reasons in my head as well why it would be ok to marry this man.
when the twins were 6 weeks old their father kidnapped my son Bubba he was a little older than 2 years old. There was fight and I lost their father had left me in the street for died. He had taken my son into La. right over the bounder of Texas. He had kept my son in a crack house for two days before i was able to get him back. there was one more time he had kidnapped my son Bubba and again there was a fight and i lost. He bite me on my arms like a dog shakes it's head and tears loose the flesh.
I was beaten and he left with my son again.
He tried to kill his own dad and step mom by cutting the gas line in their house. He has held a knife to his patrol officer's throat. The violence in the man is deadly. It was at this time I learned to fear with a great fear. I learned to run and hide when he was out of prison. He has spent at least the last 21 years in and out of prison. When he was in I could breath when he was out I ran and hide my kids away.
I have never wanted to harm anyone, but at one time in my life I could have shot him dead with out a second thought. It was fear that made me to be able to shot him.
As for myself I was to blame, and I hated myself most of all. God had given me a definite NO do not marry and I disobeyed him. I chose with my own will to disobey. I thought (pride) I could help him.
So for the last 16 years I have carried blame, hate, shame, rage, murder, I guess the list could go on but I will stop here.
When the twins were about 5 or 6. I got before the Lord and i had asked for forgiveness. I with all my heart had forgiven their fahter all his tresgressions. I thought of what he had gone through as a small boy and I tried to remember him as a small boy. though I continued to run because i was not foolish enough to think just because I had forgiven him he would not hurt me or the kids.
I also kept pictures of him for the kids so they could see who their father was. i also knew the day would come that they would want to meet him. I felt my job was to keep them safe until they were old enough to protect them selves as well as know how to get away if they were in danger.
And that day came. First with Bubba and he had a hard lesson to learn. but he found out what he needed to know. Bubba beat him up because his daddy came looking for me at my job. which I had told my son do not speak of me to your dad nor let him know where i am, he will come after me. I moved away right after that time and quite my job. Because he knew where I was.
Then Micheal went to Beaumont where he is in prison to see him.
Now Michelle has been writing her dad in prison. She is so happy and loves her dad because he is saying all the right things she needs to hear.
when she began writing her dad I told her she was to say nothing of me or where I live. But she could not do that and she gave him my P>O> Box for him to send letters to her. i tried to explain to her that by him having my p o box he knows where i am living. She being young does not understand how dangerous that is for me. She thought because it was a pobox it would not give him enough info to find me.
I got the mail from my box today and there a letter from him to Michelle.
I read this letter.
He was very angry with Michelle because she had not written him in a while. And that anger was turned toward me. He told her how much he hated me that his drug use was my fault, I destroyed his life. and over and over he said he hated me. I was to blame for his whole life. I took his kids away and he has searched all these years trying to find them. It's all my fault everything. He called me a few choice names and continue to rage in the letter about me.
The first thoughts that came to mind was to just kill him as I had planned to do years ago if ever he came near me again. I should have hunted him down like he hunted me. And finished it way back then.
I was in such a rage in my head. How dare he try to convince my daughter that i was to blame for him being absent in their lives. All the old wounds and fears flew into my head. i was shaking so bad I could hear my on teeth rattle. Rage and Fear a horrible combination.
I had finished with step 5 but maybe just an hour or so when I received the letter.
oh at this moment i felt I had every right to feel the rage to hate enough to kill him, to stomp out his life, and why was he not already died all those drug dealers he stole from and in form on. Why has God still let him live?
A red flag was waving as hard as it could wave to warn me to slow down take a breath.
I could not find my way through this to stop. So I got back on the computer and came home to Oasis. Here where there was love and peace of mind. And I went back and read all the posts that my sister's and brother's have written to me here. And I began to calm down. I could think clearer.
I am now laughing because the devil came to steal and destroy and he used one of the greatest tools he has against me my childrens daddy.
I went back before the Lord and again I forgave Gary. For I now see this man needs forgiveness he needs help and only God can give that help to him. Gary is raging at the world and blaming everyone and everything for how his life has turned out. YOu know I had wanted him died, but he already is. and that makes me sad. If he could find his way to God well that is what he needs more than anything else in this world. So would you all please pray for him.
Now has far as my fear of him goes, I am very much aware of his rage building up and I know the danger it could cause me. He gets out in June of this year. All he has is time to think of all the wrong he feels I have done to him.
but I will not fear any more. Nor will I run and hide. I will trust in my Father as I always have and the proof of his faithfulness is I am still here and well and un harmed. And my fathter is my stronghold and refuge.
what have i to fear for the Lord is with me.
As far as the rage I felt at first. I am going to turn that rage into love with just as much tensity has i felt the rage. I am going to commit myself to pray for Gary every day. I will lift him up to God and allow God to deal with him. For vengeance is the Lord and recompense is the LOrd's. I pray that God will rescue Gary before he dies. So that he too may go to heaven and be happy finanlly.
As for blame I have not in a long time felt I needed to blame Gary for anything. I made choices and I blamed my self and i felt great shame and felt the need to defend my self when i told of this part of my life.
I wanted to justify myself. I am free from this self rightious behavior. I pull up these weeds with both hands and toss them into the fire.
but one thing I learned to day by reading this letter was the the choke hold blaming has on someone. so much rage and hate all because he blames me. I do not want to be that kind of person it's why I know I will continually work on keeping that weed from ever taking root in my garden again.
so when I was able to come to terms with these emotions. I called my daugther and told her she had a letter from her dad to come and get it.
If i had called before I dealt with my emotions. I would have explored on her blaming her for bring this fear back into my life etc. I would have wound her with my words and would have done so on propose until I had calmed down and realize what I had done. Then I would be full of guilt and shame for may words.
So any way Praise God that he was in control and took a bad thing and used it for good.
I told her she was to write her dad and tell him he could not send any more letters to my P.O. Box. And I told Michelle if another letter appeared in my box it would go into the trash right there at the post office. So she needed to make other arrangements to receive mail from her dad. I spoke calmly to her but i was very firm about him not using by mail box.
this could have been a very bad night. If I had exploded, because in turn my daughter would have expolded as well.
My daughter read the letter and was shocked to read what he had written. It hurt her to see this side of him. He told her he was disappointed in her that she too would turn on him after all he had been through his whole life.
I feel sad for my baby girl. She had such hopes. She needs her daddy as every girl needs their daddy. But she is up set over the things he was saying about me. And now she does not want to talk to him any more. I am not sure what the answer is for her where her daddy is concerned? I just know her heart is broken again. so please remember her in your prayers.
Again I praise God that i did not add to her broken heart by raging at her. i thank God he intervened with me before i called her.
so beware all of you who are doing these steps. Stay alert and deal immediately with what ever the devil throws at you.
your sister in Jesus Christ
sandrad
Sandra
Hey ya know what I just realize we all carry the same cross!