Step 6,starting this beautiful day outside and finding joy
Posted: Mon Apr 12, 2010 8:51 amGood morning everyone 
I've been up for about an hour now and feel a little renewed somehow.I'm learning to take the good with the bad and not react so much to the negative through older information I've known and utilizing and the steps on here that are filled with a tremendous amount of helpful information.I must admit when I first started doing the steps,I thought it would feel more like actual homework because of all the junk that builds up in our mind,spirit and such.But I am actually so very glad I started the process as it feels like I ate a ton of fiber and am getting the crap out 
and I already have I.B.S. so Lord knows I surely don't need any more ways of remaining constipated and I've learned through alot of studying on medical sites that yes,the brain and body are directly connected so when our mind is clogged up,guess what?You got it.The body slowly starts to wind down and then when that happens,uh oh 
So I'm going to try to make all of this alot easier on myself,if possible,and concentrate on the renewing of the mind through doing what the Lord knows I should be doing and I do do it.How often is acceptable to the Lord I'm not sure but I'd like to think it's really a feeling inside of me that will tell me.If I feel at peace,not agitated,comfortable,strong yet firm and still then at peace inside with decision making processes I will go through in time,then I will know the Lord is swimming around in me like a fish bowl happily.This is really becoming a very interesting experience and seemingly the start of a whole new way of life here and away from here and the reactions I get from people I work with to people on here that I communicate with to anywhere really is just mind boggling.Away from here and back in day to day life,there is one situation or person that I have to associate with from time to time due to a child and what would have normally been an uprisal in my emotions over what was looking like the same ole stuff as years before as these people who never seem to have had my best interest with her in their mind,only theirs with her and slighted me and would make me wait to see her for literally years on end or make me become the chaser until I would tire out and finally like a puppy with his tail between his legs,just go away out of necessity for survival of keeping what little happy emotions I had left because I'm quite sure they had their story for her and why I wasnt coming around.I've learned years ago people will make up anything to justify themselves in dark situations where their the culprit and with absolutely no regards to anyonelse's feelings whatsoever.Well,I will never understand how people can be like that no matter what I read,see and are taught by others.Even in my "non-Christian" days so to speak,I can honestly say I never held my kids from their dads regardless of what they were doing,hopw they were living,etc and believe me,by law I could have and probably should have BUT thats NOT my nature to use children as pawns because of how I feel about something so I guess it really upset me and well,obviously still does when i talk about it like now,that when the shoe is on the other foot and we agreed to switch hands of custody after they decided to be there regularly for the kids,that they pull that crap with me.Well,as I said,years went by without me even seeing my youngest daughter because after what I had done what I considered to be the last straw and moved to the area by where she was to be able to see her more,they made her available less,I just left there and called it a day,year or whatever it would become.I figured it would be as it was when i got older and met my own father.My mom had her version of what happened,he had his and I compared all the "facts" they presented,weighed the actual evidence,talked to both of their friends and came to my own conclusion on the matter.I was not and have never been easily manipulated by reason even if from own flesh and blood.Ive always had my own "brain",very independent minded,reasonable in even testy situations,(well,fairly,,i am a woman you know,lol)but to get it off my chest and completely Let it go and Give it to God,I brought up the my youngest daughter thing because when I first moved here to this town with my brother,they were all gung ho about me being involved with her again.even goign tot the extreme of picking me up and letting me stay the night THERE with her just to spend more time with her.Well,as the weekends have went by,her availabitlity with them has become less and less and this weekend that just passed they didnt even have her call me.But they expect me to send money there "for her" and I dont even deserve a simple phone call??I knew the visit wasnt happening because I left messages for them during the week and no on ehad returned my calls or texts either and that was the whole point for me topping up my cell phone.So beforer it gets out of hand with Jami being the beggar and the chaser and the one sitting around mopeing just like years past,I've just got one thing to say..I'm NOT the person I used to be back then and with the power of God be with me as it states in the Bible,if God is for me,who can be against me?So rather than let it stir in my head,here's what I plan on doing exactly and Im not giving it another thought and if I do,I'll pray it away because I am much better than waiting hand and foot for anyone and will never subject myself to do so ever again in an emotionally abusive manner ,which is all that is as far as im concerned...a.Pray for God to release my anger about it so I can mean what I say without letting emotions get in the way and cause more issues down the road...Let him handle it totally and completely His way...b.Send them the money sometime early to midweek so that its there next weekend when she gets there@the grandma's,and hope it for sure gets spent on her and maybe I'll get a call from her.I already spoke with my brother about this last night and even though he may not be a Christian,he isnt dumb either.he said if i allow it,which i wont believe you me,all they really want is for me to send them money but not see her and thats that.Well,like I told him,Im no walking bank account and i already get the child support taking from my check so no,sorry,I'm a human with feelings and i work very ahrd and am on my legs all day just to survive..Im not a sucker and have the name Tootsie printed on my forehead.If I dont get to see my daughter and/or spend time with her,no one is getting my hard earned money.Lord,take over that situation because you know I dont have patience for evil hearted,selfishly motivated people.
I've been up for about an hour now and feel a little renewed somehow.I'm learning to take the good with the bad and not react so much to the negative through older information I've known and utilizing and the steps on here that are filled with a tremendous amount of helpful information.I must admit when I first started doing the steps,I thought it would feel more like actual homework because of all the junk that builds up in our mind,spirit and such.But I am actually so very glad I started the process as it feels like I ate a ton of fiber and am getting the crap out and I already have I.B.S. so Lord knows I surely don't need any more ways of remaining constipated and I've learned through alot of studying on medical sites that yes,the brain and body are directly connected so when our mind is clogged up,guess what?You got it.The body slowly starts to wind down and then when that happens,uh oh So I'm going to try to make all of this alot easier on myself,if possible,and concentrate on the renewing of the mind through doing what the Lord knows I should be doing and I do do it.How often is acceptable to the Lord I'm not sure but I'd like to think it's really a feeling inside of me that will tell me.If I feel at peace,not agitated,comfortable,strong yet firm and still then at peace inside with decision making processes I will go through in time,then I will know the Lord is swimming around in me like a fish bowl happily.This is really becoming a very interesting experience and seemingly the start of a whole new way of life here and away from here and the reactions I get from people I work with to people on here that I communicate with to anywhere really is just mind boggling.Away from here and back in day to day life,there is one situation or person that I have to associate with from time to time due to a child and what would have normally been an uprisal in my emotions over what was looking like the same ole stuff as years before as these people who never seem to have had my best interest with her in their mind,only theirs with her and slighted me and would make me wait to see her for literally years on end or make me become the chaser until I would tire out and finally like a puppy with his tail between his legs,just go away out of necessity for survival of keeping what little happy emotions I had left because I'm quite sure they had their story for her and why I wasnt coming around.I've learned years ago people will make up anything to justify themselves in dark situations where their the culprit and with absolutely no regards to anyonelse's feelings whatsoever.Well,I will never understand how people can be like that no matter what I read,see and are taught by others.Even in my "non-Christian" days so to speak,I can honestly say I never held my kids from their dads regardless of what they were doing,hopw they were living,etc and believe me,by law I could have and probably should have BUT thats NOT my nature to use children as pawns because of how I feel about something so I guess it really upset me and well,obviously still does when i talk about it like now,that when the shoe is on the other foot and we agreed to switch hands of custody after they decided to be there regularly for the kids,that they pull that crap with me.Well,as I said,years went by without me even seeing my youngest daughter because after what I had done what I considered to be the last straw and moved to the area by where she was to be able to see her more,they made her available less,I just left there and called it a day,year or whatever it would become.I figured it would be as it was when i got older and met my own father.My mom had her version of what happened,he had his and I compared all the "facts" they presented,weighed the actual evidence,talked to both of their friends and came to my own conclusion on the matter.I was not and have never been easily manipulated by reason even if from own flesh and blood.Ive always had my own "brain",very independent minded,reasonable in even testy situations,(well,fairly,,i am a woman you know,lol)but to get it off my chest and completely Let it go and Give it to God,I brought up the my youngest daughter thing because when I first moved here to this town with my brother,they were all gung ho about me being involved with her again.even goign tot the extreme of picking me up and letting me stay the night THERE with her just to spend more time with her.Well,as the weekends have went by,her availabitlity with them has become less and less and this weekend that just passed they didnt even have her call me.But they expect me to send money there "for her" and I dont even deserve a simple phone call??I knew the visit wasnt happening because I left messages for them during the week and no on ehad returned my calls or texts either and that was the whole point for me topping up my cell phone.So beforer it gets out of hand with Jami being the beggar and the chaser and the one sitting around mopeing just like years past,I've just got one thing to say..I'm NOT the person I used to be back then and with the power of God be with me as it states in the Bible,if God is for me,who can be against me?So rather than let it stir in my head,here's what I plan on doing exactly and Im not giving it another thought and if I do,I'll pray it away because I am much better than waiting hand and foot for anyone and will never subject myself to do so ever again in an emotionally abusive manner ,which is all that is as far as im concerned...a.Pray for God to release my anger about it so I can mean what I say without letting emotions get in the way and cause more issues down the road...Let him handle it totally and completely His way...b.Send them the money sometime early to midweek so that its there next weekend when she gets there@the grandma's,and hope it for sure gets spent on her and maybe I'll get a call from her.I already spoke with my brother about this last night and even though he may not be a Christian,he isnt dumb either.he said if i allow it,which i wont believe you me,all they really want is for me to send them money but not see her and thats that.Well,like I told him,Im no walking bank account and i already get the child support taking from my check so no,sorry,I'm a human with feelings and i work very ahrd and am on my legs all day just to survive..Im not a sucker and have the name Tootsie printed on my forehead.If I dont get to see my daughter and/or spend time with her,no one is getting my hard earned money.Lord,take over that situation because you know I dont have patience for evil hearted,selfishly motivated people.
I feel the love you have for your daughter. I do want to say that you do need to pay your child support for your daughter, even though you are not able to see her at this time, because she will know later on that you did what you needed to and that it was not you that didn't want to visit...but that they would not allow you to do so. Also, sis you might consider going back to court at sometime for visitation rights and get them ordered and required so you can see your little one.
