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Today I start this journal so that I can keep track of my progress. I believe with all my heart that Jesus loves me and will save me from this dark cloud I've pulled around over me for so very long. This dark cloud has been created because of my feelings of loneliness. I believe that God sent me a wife to have and to hold, to share my life with, to give myself to and so that she would in turn share her life and give herself to me. The problem that has caused so much separation these last few years I believe is because of the shaky foundation our relationship began on. One without God being up front and involved therefore since we refused to let Him in giving Him the proper worship, praise, thanks and going to Him with all of our deep rooted issues that were carried over from past relationships and life situations, that He has not blessed our marriage. Since we refused His help He is allowing us to pretty much hang ourselves as we made one bad choice after the other on our own thinking that we could do it on ourselves, could overcome these serious issues on our own without Him. We now know how wrong we have been and that we are completely helpless, powerless to fix anything ourselves. What little bit of intimacy we had in the beginning has been long lost and now even though we are still legally married and live in the same house we are as far apart as a husband and wife could ever be. We do continue to have a good working relationship keeping the household matters, family/children issues going good, we do not fight/argue and neither has done anything serious against each other like infidelity etc. However, the relationship at best is nothing more than what roommates maintain. This does not bother my wife and it appears she prefers this type relationship, but I cannot. If a man has the most beautiful wife on Earth......but does not have love.....he has nothing. I have tried everything in my power starting with open communication. My wife fully understands my feelings and I truly believe has been trying and continues to do everything in her power to break free from her own prison walls that were built years ago around her heart to protect her from further damage. But it seems unless God Himself decides to help us overcome these many deep rooted issues there is no hope for our future as husband and wife. We both will continue to pray asking God to forgive us for creating the distance between each other and more importantly between us and Him. For now I just beg Him to give me strength to hold on and not run away like my brain has been telling me to do for way too long now. God please help us if it is your will. If it is not your will for us to be husband and wife I beg you to please help us to understand what it IS you want us to do and then to please help us do it. Without you God we are doomed.

hello mcpeak,

My heart goes out to you and yr wife. You stated that u believe Jesus will save you from this dark cloud. ABSOLUTELY!

Foundations... without good foundations things will rock and can crumble. It is never too late for God to restore our foundations. He can fix anything, right? Putting Him at the core of the foundation is the answer. God wants a true worshipper indeed, Ive found that we not only worship God with song and dance, but in our relationships with others, our actions to situations that spring up out of our control, taking care of all the things He has graced us with, etc. It comes from the deepest of our being, we desire to worship Him in spirit and in Truth.

I dont believe that God wants us to hang ourselves, that is not the God I love. Sure there are consequences to our actions and decisions, thats a given, but only because He loves us so. Like any good parent He wants us to succeed and that success comes with alot of work on our parts. The hardest thing for me to work on was trusting Him and letting go of all my mistakes and taking that clean slate and not looking back.

Powerless yes, we are powerless... but i know of a God with all the power we ever need, if we rely it. He can fix anything! If we let Him. And yes i do beleive that he can take your marriage and fix it.

It is definatley HIs will for your marriage to work, He put you together. Keep praying together, seek other christian couples for support and encouragement. I think it says alot that you have the desire to fix your marriage when in this age it is so easy to just give up and hand the other a set of papers and walk away. God will bless you for that.

My prayers are with you both!

God bless
♥Jill

Hey mcpeak, welcome to the counseling steps. You have taken the first step in walking towards the Light and bringing healing to your life and your marriage. God has to be first in your life in order for Him to be able to work on you and your marriage. Build your relationship with Him, and make Him above all people and things...and then you will begin to see Him move. Sometimes we want the problems in life to just be fixed...but those problems to happen over night...and it may take some time. Be patient with yourself, your wife, and your growth with the Lord.

Just remember all things are possible with God...and God can fix your marriage. Hang on to hope.

Praying for you on this journey.

Take care and God Bless