Christianity Oasis Member Forum & Chat Room

I am sick of who I am becoming and I'm afraid of that person. I don't what it's like to be truly happy.
I am always anxious and scared, I get upset easily. I just don't know where to turn. When I was younger
my mothers husband sexually abused me. That has affected every aspect of my childhood and it still has
a huge effect on me. I have learned to forgive him, but the scars are still there and I feel like even
though that problem is gone, there are so many more just beneath the service. If one little thing upsets me
they all show through and I can't control them. I look in the mirror and I count the things about me that
I want to change, I am only comfortable around few people. I will only be myself around those few people.
I cry alot, Im angry alot, and I am always anxious and worried. My boyfriend of 2 years even notices. He
told me that he is sick of me needing him to hold my hand through everything. The truth is i NEED him to.
I don't want to do things on my own. I have been on my own since i was 10; i have had to take care of myself
and deal with life. I don't remember my childhood because what little of it i had i pushed away and forgot.
My boyfriend also told me that he feels like I am never happy when we are together, just me and him. The
reason he always wants to hang out with groups of people is because I am always happier that way. The reason
why I am never happy when it is just me and him is because I feel quilty for the things we do when we are
alone together. I am a virgin and I plan on staying that way until I am married, so does he. But we still
do things that I don't know if they are okay or not. God doesnt give us a list of things that are okay
and things that are not okay, so how far is too far? Is everything to far? I feel like it is, i feel like
the only thing not sexual is kissing, and that is the one thing i don't feel quilty about doing. Is God telling
me that everything else we are doing is not acceptable to Him? My boyfriend seems to think we are doing just
fine, nothing we are doing is innappropriate and unnacceptable, but he is comparing us to other people who
are having sex. Just because we aren't doesn't mean that everything besides sex is ok. So i always feel
quilty and ashamed and it ruins the time we have together because I can't seem to be happy at all.
It easy to say just don't do it anymore then, but I have said that but I ignore it when the time comes.
I tell him its okay don't worry about it and then I hate myself afterwards because I'm just not strong enough.
Another reason I am always unhappy is because I just can't handle anything anymore. The slightest bit of
stress can drive me crazy and i'll be in a bad mood. I am insecure. I don't feel good enough for him or
his family. I worry about him comparing me to others when i obviously dont measure up. Im not saying
i am ugly! I dont feel like that, i just don't feel good enough. Im insecure about every last thing about
me, even the things i get compliments on make me feel insecure.
I am just lost, i feel like i have tried to start over so many times and I have asked and asked God to help me
and everytime He does, i just fall right back to where i was and i dont know what is holding me back.
I can feel that there is something haunting me and pulling me apart and it is the cause of all of these
issues i am in myself...i just cannot, for anything, figure out what that thing is!
I need God, i have Him,
I just don't know what he is doing and i can't feel it.

Hey Krystal,

Welcome to the Oasis. We are so delighted that God has led you here for healing. Sounds like you could use a so there ya go

Well, you've just taken the first step that you need to begin healing and growing with Jesus. God knows what you have been through and He wants to help you. He wants you to lean on His strength and to allow Him to hold your hand when you need one. Right now your boyfriend is your strength...but sis you have to work on making God that strength. God needs to be number one in your life. I know that's not easy as I feel you have some trust issues to work out as well...but just know that God will never hurt you...He only loves you and will help you through this.

Praying for you on this journey. Things are going to get better.

Come visit us in the chatroom sometime.

Take care and God Bless

Hi Krystal and welcome to Oasis.

wanted to say that these feelings you have are just what others who have been abused feel, too. You may have forgiven..but, have you forgiven yourself? The part that feels like you will never be clean again? even though what happened was not your fault, we are sometimes left with the feelings that we are inadequate, dirty, causing us to be insecure in just about everything in our lives.

im so glad the Lord led you here, sis. Its time for healing. Its time for truth. And as mlg said, we sometimes ask from those around us the things we can only get from God. Keep seeking, one day at a time and know you arent here by mistake and you are not alone.

will be praying for you through this..and walking each step with you.

in Jesus,
love momo

...and one day, our Father will use you to hold someone's hand who has been abused, and walk them through healing. But for now, as you do the steps, just watch all the stuff that surfaces, stuff you don't need, stuff that hinders your ability to feel joy. I may not be able to post something to you every day, but know that I'll have you in my prayers every day