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Well...here is day 5 and it discussed pulling some weeds from your garden. Let's see...what are some weeds in my garden???

1. anger
2. frustration
3. bitterness
4. guilt
5. lack of faith
6. not comfortable in trust
7. loneliness
8. rape
9. depression
10. forgiveness
11. acceptance of salvation
12. understanding the "true" meaning of life

Alot of these feelings (weeds) that I have in my life stem from growing up with an extremely controlling & manipulative father and the effects of a rape during college. Growing up as a child on a farm and dealing with my father led to alot of anger and frustration. My dad was constantly yelling and cussing at us. It seemed we could never do anything right. I have a twin brother. It seemed like to me that we were treated more like slaves rather than children. I felt so many times that the only reason my dad wanted kids was to have someone there to do the physical labor on the farm. I felt like we were held prisoners of the "farm". Once I got older as was able to drive I would drive to church when dad allowed. That was the one place I could go as a means of "escape" from the farm temporarily. I would pray to God that somehow he would deliver us from the farm...that something would happen. But unfortunately it wasn't until 2000 that I broke free from the farm. I always questioned God because of the childhood experiences. I wondered why. I never felt like I got the answers...but perhaps it's because i havent been listening or it wasn't the answers i wanted to hear. I always wondered if God was a loving father then why?? I thought about wanting to die alot. I felt it was the only way out. In about 1998 my parents divorced. It seemed that I always got stuck right smack dab in the middle of things and the divorce was no different. My dad seemed to have a problem with "what part of no don't you understand?".

Even to this day I continue to struggle with my dad. He lives in the same town and currently are attending the same church. He even was ordained as a deacon during this past summer. I still see my dad from the past. I don't feel that he has changed that much...he got remarried a few years ago...he wants to be in control of everything...i dont understand how someone could name him as a deacon?? even members from the church where i grew up that knew him were there and never questioned anything.

And then the rape.....while in college. I never told anyone nor did i report it. The only person that knows about it is my husband who has been very understanding about it and how it affects us in our marriage.

oh the weeds......oh God help me figure this all out...i need help and love to understand.

Hello iwanted2

Glad to see you got that all out.

I wanted to comment on the part about your husband. It's very possible it's to hard on him to deal with how the person he loves the most was hurt. So he with drawls from the subject. Sometimes because we hurt so bad we don't see how our hurts effect those around us. Trust me, they do.

I hope you've checked out some of the postings in the life behind walls forum and the He Took...forum.

Often we expect God to be as our earthy fathers are. I pray you begin to realize just how great God loves you.

The answers to why may never come. If I hadn't of gone through what I went through I wouldn't be here today praying for you. I wouldn't seek God the way I do. I know it hurts. But if I had the choice to live a life pain free and be weak in my faith, or live the life I lived so I'd cling to Jesus. I'd pick the life I had with all the bad that happened.

Keep seeking Him.
He is the way.
God loves ya and so do I.

iwanted sister

dont be discouraged cuz your list of weeds seems to be long. I think if we are all honest we would be able to rival that list with our own weeds.

I was lying in bed the other night thinking about my own list of weeds and I realized that I could either choose to be overwhelmed and discouraged, or I could see this as the Holy Spirit revealing to me the areas I need to work on and giving me the opportunity to do so.

So be encouraged sister. God will help you find a way to work through all these things that right now seem to be so big and menacing.

One day at a time Maybe u remember this song

I'm only human, I'm just a woman.
Help me believe in what I could be
And all that I am.
Show me the stairway, I have to climb.
Lord for my sake, teach me to take
One day at a time.

Chorus:
One day at a time sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking from you.
Just give me the strength
To do everyday what I have to do.
Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine.
Lord help me today, show me the way
One day at a time.

GBU sis

Hey Shannon!

Continuing to read ur posts (sorry I missed posting on a couple) and wanted you to know I feel your thoughts and sharing. This particular post spoke volumes to me about not only where you have been, but the beginnings of hope and action of how to come out. Acknowledging the weeds is a huge step... please remember the act of pulling them and replanting is a process and at different paces for every child of God.

HE will be the ultimate helper and will always love you, Shan... again thank you for your sharing and keep walking sister!

God bless and love you dearly,
Susi

Weeds and Seeds...a great step in the counseling as it helps you identify the weeds that need pulling and then shows you ways in which to replace those weeds with seeds of good.

It may seem like you have a large list in front of you...but don't be overwhelmed...God can handle everything you have identified.

My prayers continue with you sis...as you pull those weeds and plant som seeds of joy.

luv ya

Hi, sis.

identifying these things in your list is so very important..and is a huge step in allowing the Holy Spirit to heal you. He searches our hearts and shows us these things so He and you can work on these together. They are so much better out in the open, in the light, where Jesus is. Sis, He knew they were there, He was just waiting for you to bring them out, bring them to Him.

We often wonder where our Loving God was in all these times..He was there, giving you another day to breathe, knowing that one day, you would bring it to Him. The others in your life that caused this will have to answer to God for the decisions they have made. That is between them and a just God. We each have our own walk to walk, and each one is between us and our Creator, only. As you take this time to let Him reach that inner part of you, the child that was hurt, seek to know the difference between earthly sinful man and our Holy Loving God.

standing with you, sis.

in Jesus,
love momo