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I know very well , and I also am aware of others thinking , that by me deciding to "throw in the towel" would be nothing less than committing spiritual suicide . This place is the only place I have left in this God created world that I come to that I used to call "home" , and you know what ? whether I call it home , a place to come to get out of my head , friendship , camaraderie or what have you it doesn't matter , now does it ? Considering the alternative of , if I'm not here where am I , what is my other choice ?
That , I think is what my "problem" had been all along , being stuck ! some sort of a mental claustrophobia , and as every drowning person would do , I'd been splashing and thrashing about trying to find a reed or even a blade of grass I can grab on to , a sliver of a ray of hope would do , forget about the light , just a ray .

At the suggestion of a concerned friend in another post saying "maybe you missed something , go back to CCCC " , in an attempt to find the "missing piece" to the puzzle , something just jumped right out of the page , which is leaving me even in a more confused state than before .

In day 2 , in CCCC it reads

Each day when you move on to the next STEPPING STONE you will need this passion and expectation of success that you feel right now, and your path to healing will be solid as a rock, but here's a little secret Don't tell anybody about this!

Why shouldn't you tell anyone?

Because of a thing called stimulative urge. Here's how it works. Think of it like a helium balloon. You have great expectations building up inside of you, and as long as you keep it inside, like the helium in the balloon, it keeps you afloat. But what happens to a balloon when the air is let out? Well, you get the picture.

Following the suggestion of yet another friend that said , in affect " don't just skim through it let each line sink in a bit first" well the statement(s) above , though sensible in and of themselves , is leaving me with an itchy scalp .
In a way , it is answering my question of where did I go wrong ? I told somebody , and yet on the other hand if I don't tell anyone ...
Yes I am aware of the context being put there is to keeping the passion , and not as much as don't tell anyone about what's going on in your heart and mind , but , the answer lied in that statement nevertheless .

As my then avatar suggested , which was a direct result of telling and interacting with you while going thru all of the suggested studies , I began to, ever so slowly , "open up" , so to speak . However , there was , apparently one misstep , one thing overlooked in the excitement and that was the danger of leaving myself wide open to "attacks" -vulnerability- and ever since then I had been spending all my time and energy on defending it hence , without having time left for replenishment , found myself spent , done . So now , without the ability to either fight or defend , I simply closed that door , and the only way I knew how to do that was my outburst , hoping that it will scare away the "attackers" but instead they got hurt . And that is the guilt I am trying to "run" away from . I never meant to hurt anyone , I was simply scared of the vulnerability by keeping things to myself and I hurt people .

So now , I find myself not being able to stay here because of guilt , nor leave because if I leave in this state of mind I'm afraid more people will end up hurting and yet more guilt accumulating .

2 Corinth 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.