14 days in 1
Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 11:02 amAm I quick or what ?
Right after posting my decision to go thru the steps once more , a whole new set of emotions flowed out from an unnoticed, dammed up reservoir that all but shredded me to pieces (truth hurts yes ?) . So, usually , my M/O had been "jump into the crowd vahn , and hope nobody notices " . At the time I wish I could but , "enough of running away from probs" later I find myself pm-ing someone instead , in the process , I get told "stop running away from your probs !! " I'm going huh ? , I mean I pm-ed because I didnt want to run to begin with ! , OK , "someone trying to tell you something time" .
See , the truth was that , I was using this soul searching process that these steps help you with, as a cover for a later , well planned "disappointment" (oh I tried but ...yada yada right ? familiar ?) .
Well , being guided by the Spirit , the truth came out as , in short , "I'm throwing in the towel " . (what does this person know anything to call my bluff huh ?) . See , I had just come out of the other end of a very emotionally , mentally , phyisically and Spiritually draining week and was simply not thinking right ! Heck I was even thinking to leave this whole site altogether , not because I wanted to , but because of truth .
Well anyway , before this post ends up being a newspaper instead , which it usually does , after that pm , out of sheer exhaustion , the only thing I could blurt out as a prayer was a , more than anything else , a yell saying "Take it !! All , good , bad or in between , just as long as you dont wake me up again !!" - slept like a log !! And you kno what ? I woke up !!-- I couldnt even recognize myself !!
A day before all this I get an Email saying , "stay away from the shelter , your love for them is killing you !!" , no address no name no nothing . Upon awakening , I searched frantically , could not and still cant find it !! On the door of my office , a note , "Change of command , Briefing @ 7:00 AM , Location : Corp. " . It's Major P !!.(confidentiality) , this guy was my Capt. and he graduated me , in short , he knew everything about me , as far as my then struggle with God is concerned .
So off to headquarters , open door , its locked , ok , check calendar , nope its not April , on the way back, I have to take the shelter route right ? (defiance ? maybe ? hmm !) Go in ,(just to check,ok ?) I hear this "well well look who's here , now get your butt in the car !" yeah you guessed its the Major !!
"But Maj. the ctr is that way !" - "I always knew you're a genius vahn! just shut up , not another word from you until I say so ! " "who the ..."
45 mins and 10.000 miles later we are across the lawn of the first house I ever bought with the help of this guy , and again with his help is when I got custody of my daughter ,which is why I bought the house to begin with . Now needless to say , I'm numb , as if I had taken a whole pharmacy-full drugs and someone forgot to turn the faucet imbedded in my eyes off , I was so paralyzed I couldnt even get out of the car , let alone run , then , he reaches in the back seat pulls a sketchpad and a 'coal stick and says "Now DRAW !! "
My habit of taking daily inventory was by sketching the theme of the way my day had gone , (yeah I'm an artist , so shoot me) and my daughter had assigned herself executive critic of my work , and the next morning she'd give me her approval, well , mostly disapproval before my usual "dont miss the bus ,have a good day at school hun , (before I wring your neck attitude) " . Six yrs later she passed , and hadnt touched a pencil since .
There's healing in these steps people ! How do I know ? I didnt come here because things were going good , my Lord didnt lead me anywhere else , and the ppl here didnt guide me anywhere else , and the steps didnt take me anywhere else but to the TRUTH , and truth revealed to me was that I cant relate God's Love for me as the love of my understanding , which is -was- love of hurt , everytime I loved something or one ended up in hurt , that is why I keep jumping around from one "love" to another yet never be able to fill the void that only God could , that's why when someone said God Loves you I thought of hurt ! .
When I finally got enough courage to glance at the sheet , there was no picture but words instead , it said "Thank you for the life you've given Me"
Its a process , not an event ! You see , you cant leave your problem here and go to God there ! no ! you take God where your problem is , and it there that God will do your battle FOR you and not the other way around , you dont fight the battle for God , He dont need you , you need Him !
There's a reason why we have probs going thru the steps , we try to do them ourselves . well , if any of you having doubts whether you can do it or not , or whether if these steps will work or not , hah !! pm me we'll talk .
Right after posting my decision to go thru the steps once more , a whole new set of emotions flowed out from an unnoticed, dammed up reservoir that all but shredded me to pieces (truth hurts yes ?) . So, usually , my M/O had been "jump into the crowd vahn , and hope nobody notices " . At the time I wish I could but , "enough of running away from probs" later I find myself pm-ing someone instead , in the process , I get told "stop running away from your probs !! " I'm going huh ? , I mean I pm-ed because I didnt want to run to begin with ! , OK , "someone trying to tell you something time" .
See , the truth was that , I was using this soul searching process that these steps help you with, as a cover for a later , well planned "disappointment" (oh I tried but ...yada yada right ? familiar ?) .
Well , being guided by the Spirit , the truth came out as , in short , "I'm throwing in the towel " . (what does this person know anything to call my bluff huh ?) . See , I had just come out of the other end of a very emotionally , mentally , phyisically and Spiritually draining week and was simply not thinking right ! Heck I was even thinking to leave this whole site altogether , not because I wanted to , but because of truth .
Well anyway , before this post ends up being a newspaper instead , which it usually does , after that pm , out of sheer exhaustion , the only thing I could blurt out as a prayer was a , more than anything else , a yell saying "Take it !! All , good , bad or in between , just as long as you dont wake me up again !!" - slept like a log !! And you kno what ? I woke up !!-- I couldnt even recognize myself !!
A day before all this I get an Email saying , "stay away from the shelter , your love for them is killing you !!" , no address no name no nothing . Upon awakening , I searched frantically , could not and still cant find it !! On the door of my office , a note , "Change of command , Briefing @ 7:00 AM , Location : Corp. " . It's Major P !!.(confidentiality) , this guy was my Capt. and he graduated me , in short , he knew everything about me , as far as my then struggle with God is concerned .
So off to headquarters , open door , its locked , ok , check calendar , nope its not April , on the way back, I have to take the shelter route right ? (defiance ? maybe ? hmm !) Go in ,(just to check,ok ?) I hear this "well well look who's here , now get your butt in the car !" yeah you guessed its the Major !!
"But Maj. the ctr is that way !" - "I always knew you're a genius vahn! just shut up , not another word from you until I say so ! " "who the ..."
45 mins and 10.000 miles later we are across the lawn of the first house I ever bought with the help of this guy , and again with his help is when I got custody of my daughter ,which is why I bought the house to begin with . Now needless to say , I'm numb , as if I had taken a whole pharmacy-full drugs and someone forgot to turn the faucet imbedded in my eyes off , I was so paralyzed I couldnt even get out of the car , let alone run , then , he reaches in the back seat pulls a sketchpad and a 'coal stick and says "Now DRAW !! "
My habit of taking daily inventory was by sketching the theme of the way my day had gone , (yeah I'm an artist , so shoot me) and my daughter had assigned herself executive critic of my work , and the next morning she'd give me her approval, well , mostly disapproval before my usual "dont miss the bus ,have a good day at school hun , (before I wring your neck attitude) " . Six yrs later she passed , and hadnt touched a pencil since .
There's healing in these steps people ! How do I know ? I didnt come here because things were going good , my Lord didnt lead me anywhere else , and the ppl here didnt guide me anywhere else , and the steps didnt take me anywhere else but to the TRUTH , and truth revealed to me was that I cant relate God's Love for me as the love of my understanding , which is -was- love of hurt , everytime I loved something or one ended up in hurt , that is why I keep jumping around from one "love" to another yet never be able to fill the void that only God could , that's why when someone said God Loves you I thought of hurt ! .
When I finally got enough courage to glance at the sheet , there was no picture but words instead , it said "Thank you for the life you've given Me"
Its a process , not an event ! You see , you cant leave your problem here and go to God there ! no ! you take God where your problem is , and it there that God will do your battle FOR you and not the other way around , you dont fight the battle for God , He dont need you , you need Him !
There's a reason why we have probs going thru the steps , we try to do them ourselves . well , if any of you having doubts whether you can do it or not , or whether if these steps will work or not , hah !! pm me we'll talk .
I'm confused Vahn...
