day 5 - "As man thinketh so is he"
Posted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 6:18 pmI was planning on using rollercoaster for a title , but after I posted yesteday , walking "home" , the thought of "you are what you think" crossed my mind, so I started reflecting on that a bit, and by the time I got there, I was still fiddeling with "what can I do to deflect harm with kindness - (a good remedy that works for me) - and I remembered what I did for my father as an effort to make amends to him. So, I decided to find a local soup kitchen or homeless shelter to offer my services as needed and dedicating it to my forgivings .
Now , I dont know if that was a blessing or mistake on my part , for I know it wasnt on Gods , 'cause I asked for His guidance and I was there @ 4:30 this morning helping the kitchen prep breakfast for the homeless ,
but lo and behold , to my astonishment and surprize , one of the guys I used to sponsor was one of the full time cooks , and that's where the rollercoaster ride started . Upon asking him what wes he doing there , he said , "following the advice you gave me 6 years ago making amends , 'been here since ! " I thought "uh ooh" , I said "Jeff, I meant it as a one time deal !! " ( joke) , then he said "you ?" "no , I'm not staying here that long Jeff , just for a couple of hours" He said " taking your own advice huh? " then came the ax , " I heard some rumors flying around about you relapsing" .
So I decide to catch the early bird meeting , (just to show them) right ?
then it dawned on me , that I have not gone to a meeting for almost month and a half , and most important , having gone through all this the thought of a drink didnt even crossed my mind , and that I was still sober , I passing by a dunkin doghnut , went to the restroom and hit the knees , thanking God with all I have for His Grace !
Something last night told me to print todays step 5 , for I didnt know wether I'd be able to access a computer , (Which, in my opinion, was God's voice) , so instead of going to the meeting , I decided to head back and study it , you know what ? my heart is still pumping 1000 beats a minute , read the topics ; Revenge,Fear,Mistrust,Anger,Grief,Hatred, all booby traps for a fall / relapse , and I didnt even think ,about a drink.
Now I know that this is not a big deal to a non-alkie , but for an alcoholic like me spells like nothing short of a miracle . Thank you God .
I'd been looking for something to pin-point what's behind my "survival" through all of that stuff , it finaly came clear to me,
I am Sober , By His Grace, and I am enduring all this through that also
and healing in the process .
Now , I dont know if that was a blessing or mistake on my part , for I know it wasnt on Gods , 'cause I asked for His guidance and I was there @ 4:30 this morning helping the kitchen prep breakfast for the homeless ,
but lo and behold , to my astonishment and surprize , one of the guys I used to sponsor was one of the full time cooks , and that's where the rollercoaster ride started . Upon asking him what wes he doing there , he said , "following the advice you gave me 6 years ago making amends , 'been here since ! " I thought "uh ooh" , I said "Jeff, I meant it as a one time deal !! " ( joke) , then he said "you ?" "no , I'm not staying here that long Jeff , just for a couple of hours" He said " taking your own advice huh? " then came the ax , " I heard some rumors flying around about you relapsing" .
So I decide to catch the early bird meeting , (just to show them) right ?
then it dawned on me , that I have not gone to a meeting for almost month and a half , and most important , having gone through all this the thought of a drink didnt even crossed my mind , and that I was still sober , I passing by a dunkin doghnut , went to the restroom and hit the knees , thanking God with all I have for His Grace !
Something last night told me to print todays step 5 , for I didnt know wether I'd be able to access a computer , (Which, in my opinion, was God's voice) , so instead of going to the meeting , I decided to head back and study it , you know what ? my heart is still pumping 1000 beats a minute , read the topics ; Revenge,Fear,Mistrust,Anger,Grief,Hatred, all booby traps for a fall / relapse , and I didnt even think ,about a drink.
Now I know that this is not a big deal to a non-alkie , but for an alcoholic like me spells like nothing short of a miracle . Thank you God .
I'd been looking for something to pin-point what's behind my "survival" through all of that stuff , it finaly came clear to me,
I am Sober , By His Grace, and I am enduring all this through that also
and healing in the process .