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One of my biggest problems is the curse that I constantly have to deal with. It is hard because I was diagnosed with bipolar a few years back while I was in college, yeah I had some bad days and hard times I still has a strong relationship with God. But after college I moved back home and since the summer the bipolar has been popping back into my life and at the end of October it was full blown and went into crisis mode, the part that is frustrating is that I have really swayed in my relationship with Christ to the point where there have several times the idea of totally leaving the Christian faith.

One thing I saw in stepping stone number one was about faith. Faith has never been an easy thing for me I feel that I need to have scientific proof that what is happening is real. Part of it is that growing up my family is very scientific and legalistic. We are definitely bound by rules here. And while in college I was able to experiment and produce faith, but moving back into the environment of rules and proofs I cannot really express faith I feel I need to prove everything. This includes the areas that I no longer feel the presence of God around me and that He does love me and I am not a mistake or a freak of nature. I have been in church for most of my life and I know what the Bible says in my head but I just cannot believe that it is true.

I am just so mad at God for giving me this curse and this is truly how I feel about it that it is a curse. It just screws up with my head and ability to cope and function that it is so aggravating. I do not know what I have done to deserve this curse maybe it is because I denied God so he has left me and no longer wants me around, I do not know. But it is not easy to deal with when the people who are suppose to be helping me and cheering me on (my parents) are not in my court, they do not believe in mental illness, they think I am faking it to get attention or else I am demon possessed. I had such a strong support team in college that it helped so much. But when I moved back over the past year there is only one person who became a support, and when times were rough I tried getting a hold of people back where I went to college but no one was ever home, God has brought a few people in the mix of being a support here and I am so grateful, but it is so hard to trust them because this area of my life is all new to them, I kept it away from everyone because of the fear of stigmas. I do not trust people very easy, I have just been hurt way to many times, I do not even trust God because I have the feelings that he too may hurt me, it is easier to heal from me hurting myself than to let me be put in a position where I can be hurt by others so I try to remain masked.

There is the question of when to be independent and not to be. I grew up from a young age of taking care of myself and younger siblings; I am a very independent person. Then in the church the last few weeks the sermons are about the fellowship of believers and to be dependent. Then I go to a counselor (who was appointed by state after my hospitalization and is a non Christian) who tells me I need to be more independent and rely only on myself. It just gets so confusing.

I guess there are so many untruths in my life that I am hoping to be able to find some truth. It is sad when these untruth are from people you expect to give the truth so you always believe it until someone tells you that there are some very wrong mistruths and that you have a misconception of God. I hope to be able to get some of this head knowledge out of my head and into my heart and to be able to sort the truth out. I have been in church for since I was a little child so I know the Bible, yet the only time it reached into my heart was on 11/11/01 when I was saved. The rest of the knowledge has remained in the head.

bisonfan, it's so awesome to see you beginning the steps. The one thing I noticed is you said I hope....my friend that is the start. Hope is what we all need to have...hope that He can help us.

Sounds like you've been through some emotional times...the struggles, those who don't understand. Just know that God understands. He is right there beside you. He has not left you...you have drawn away from Him....He is beckoning for you...come Home He says...reach for Him...He loves you.

There are healing in these steps bisonfan. I know you want to have something that tells you God is real....my friend just look around you....God created the Heavens and the earth...the birds and the trees, He created you...HE is REAL!!! Grab hold of Him and let Him lead you on an eternally glorious life.

Praying for you.

luv ya

Hi Bison,

It was great meeting you in the chat forum last night. It is so great to see you jumping into the steps.

What struck me about your post was your sense that you are "cursed" and that God inflicted it upon you. I've felt the same way, Brother.

While I continue to have very profound struggles, I've found such comfort in feeling God's love for me. I don't believe God caused the problems in my life. What is hard is that I DO believe that God has the power to take them away. So why hasn't he?!?! Isn't that as bad as inflicting them in the first place??

No, it isn't. Here's why -- there are many, MANY in this world suffering that have yet to meet our Lord and realize what a powerful and blessing force He is in their lives. If all the people who come to faith have no "issues," how can that be an example to those struggling?

God is not punishing you, Bison. He is there to provide love and direction, we just need to humbly look to Him, setting aside all of our preconceived notions of how everything should work out. The fruits of the Spirit promised in Galations include peace and joy -- those are your birthright as a child of God if you will seek them in the Holy Spirit.

Also, I do believe God wants us to take the appropriate human steps to deal with our issues. Perhaps medication could help stabilize things so that you can find stability more often in your walk. Loving, dedicated professionals are out there. I know it takes work sometimes, but we can do it.

God's love is not contingent on doing that work, but it will likely be a tremendous help.

You've found a place of love and support, my friend. Let the wonderful folks here support you in your journey, but ultimately it is about you and your relationship with the Lord, no one else. Let the truths and support here on Christianity Oasis help you find your way to HIM.

God Bless You, Brother. Your faith is still there, I can see it between your words.

Wow bison you are going through a lot.
You are in the right place.
I have seen this counseling help many.
Myself included.
That's why I'm here.
Stick with it and you too will see the benefit in your life.
It's like no other counseling you'll find.

As far as being independant goes. I think we need to help ourselves, yet at the same time help others and allow others to help us. More of an interdependant. Family. There for each other. Pulling our weight, yet accepting when we are weak and in need of help.

God bless you along this path.
Praying for you.

Bisonfan, I am glad you have begun the steps. I am almost finished with mine. I will tell you this....[/u]it is work[u]. Joyful work. You will see yourself in a new light. Trust me.

Being independent....works for a while. But there are lots of people here that will let you lean on them if you need help. Myself included. Let me know if I can help.

GOD BLESS!!

It is so weird how some of the same topics keep hittin me in many different venues. I am reading a book that is fiction is making me deal with the same topics of why God allows what he does, I hear it in the sermons at both of the churches I go to and these two churches are no longer realted yet they still speak the same messages. I am also in a small group that hits the topics. This counseling program and even heard it being taught to 3rd to 6th graders that I teach in the general teaching times. I wonder how long is it that I am going to have to keep hearing the same messages before they finally hit home and I can really believe it in my heart. Another thing is that is has spoken in a secular region by the counseling that i am going thorugh that. I know God wants me to know Him intimately and personally, to know He loves me and has fovgiven me and that he is here for me, but it is so hard just to accept.

when i start feeling this way I remember its not a curse but a tool to help others through their journey with this blessing.

Did i say blessing?
yes i did

It is a blessing because i know where many are, have been there myself
Hes taught me how to deal with things , so i could in return help otheres to deal with similar situations. It might not feel like a blessing at times, But whos to say its my blessing and not the blessing of helping another one of His people. I learned to take the focus off myself and to start helping others with the experiences that i went through. Everything happens for a reason i strongly believe and if He works through me to help one of his hurt or one of His lost by the experiences ive gone through than who am i to not emberace my uniqueness. But i am to eccentuate it, celebrate it, because its helping Him to reach His people

Gbu
yr sis in Christ
jill

bisonfan, when God has a message for us, He will continue to tell us over and over until we finally Hear Him. That's what's happening with you. God is telling you that you are forgiven and that you just need to let go. Somewhere you have stopped and dug your heels in the ground and stood stubbornly on this hill, instead of moving on to the next. God wants to help you move. Start believing my friend, as that is what Faith truly is...the belief in things not seen. Faith is what gives us Hope in Him, and then do we truly begin to see what He can do for us.

Praying for you.

luv ya