Christianity Oasis Forum

[EllaMay]

To be honest I don't know if this is something worth doing. Out of desperation I've decided to search the internet. I stumbled upon the 14 day stepping stones program and this is day one. I decided to keep this online since I don't really have friends it might be nice to talk about things.
I feel like everyone else may have small problems and I'm here dealing with big sin and a Christian like me shouldn't even be in it. I've heard people say they've screwed up big time before being saved and I will unfortunately be judged worse because I knew better. I don't want to mess up and I certainly didn't want things to turn out this way.
I have a hard time trusting Christian counsel now because so much of it has left me feeling hopeless. I've messed things up and don't have a clue how to move on. I've heard so many things and so many sides from so many Christians I just don't know anymore.
This first journal isn't going the way I expected. I thought I'd just "spill" but I can't seem to do that. I don't know where to start and I'm so afraid that it is true. That my relationship with Jesus is ruined. I know I'm young, but I'm such a Jesus girl! I love Him so much and to know I've messed up so much pains me. I feel so hopeless and I don't see any way of moving past this year. I feel like all of life has drained from me.
I don't know if I was supposed to say everything in this first journal, but this is all I can seem to say. I figure keeping an online journal can spur me to keep it up everyday (because I'm known to slack on these kinds of things).
Anyway I just want hope in my life. Hope truth life love peace understanding and above all else I want Jesus.
There must be a reason I was lead to this program.
Ella

[EllaMay]

I guess this is day two but I missed a few days. I have no one to blame but myself and from now on I really should keep up with this. Stepping stone two about weeding out your spiritual garden was a great message, but I don't understand how I should renew my mind. It seems like this all should be hard.
As a Christian I know that it is wrong to commit fornication, but I must have had a seed planted long before I ever "did" anything. I once heard that for some sins, such as sex outside of marriage, the problems is in the heart and has existed even before anything was done. I still can't understand how I wasn't able to stand up for my beliefs. I had such strict morals about it and yet I fell into the sin so soon. I've known girls who are not Christian and could care less if they sleep with anyone and they still waited years. I barely made it a few months with my first boyfriend. I may as well bring everything out. I've been struggling with masturbation and smutty books as well as some porn (although not as bad as the books). On top of all that I was raised in a very Christian family and now my parents know about my actions with my boyfriend.
I'm not so worried about that because things need to be thrown into the light. Both me and my boyfriend have for months struggled to keep pure and when we messed up we were devastated. My mom read a conversation about it on my computer.
I was so happy and relieved at first! We had been trying to do it alone and go to counseling and everything. We decided to go to a pastor, but before we got the chance my parents found out. I told him it could be a good idea for him to tell his parents too and he did.
What followed was a mess I can't believe how God can fix. I know my boyfriend is very close to asking me to marry him, but now I don't see how he can ask for my parents blessing. Instead of helping my parents have confused me, dragged a close family friend into the mess, and then completely dropped everything and carried on with life normally.
I don't want to get married till at least some of this mess is cleaned up and I know counseling could help us with that, but I'm unable to go at the moment.
His parents have been so kind to both of us. They say they don't condone sin, but since we had been trying they told us somethings they've done and some of the things they recommend.
What made the situation way worse is my boyfriend lives about 4 hours away which is fine, but currently my family has moved to a remote location that has me completely isolated and unable to work or go to school. I'm taking online classes but I don't have an income coming in to help with expenses. My boyfriend search around and found me a position as an assistant music teacher where he lives. He also found me a place to stay with an elderly lady that needs help around the house and company. It's close to a school that I want to go to and that is fairly cheap. There's an incredible youth group I can get involved in and some churches that would love my service. The only downside is that he lives there. I know the bible says to run from temptation so because we anticipate getting married anyway I didn't want to sabotage anything else in our relationship by continuing down a road of sin. To make sure we stayed pure we agreed only to see each other in public, to limit anything physical to short hugs and holding hands. We were so scared of messing up we asked his parents what else they could recommend. They said a good thing to get were some purity rings so we can each make a commitment to God. They also said not only to tell them when we went out to public places, but to also text as soon as we were leaving just so we can be held accountable. We also thought we should go to a couple in the church to keep us extra accountable.

When I mentioned my plan to my parents they said I was destined to fail because I was playing with fire and not really running from sin. They also said that when this was mentioned to a family friend she had a dream that I would get pregnant with this decision and be forced to move back. They believe that is exactly what will happen and that we trust ourselves too much. But we don't trust ourselves not even a little bit. My mom sent me scriptures about disobedience and how my salvation was at risk. I was so devastated. I really wanted to make the right choice and I wanted God to...

[EllaMay]

lead me in my decisions. Eventually my parents said that I can leave I'm an adult, but without their blessing no plan I make on my own will be blessed. I emailed the list of scripture to my boyfriend and he showed it to his dad, who is a church elder. He said he councils many people and that this was a form of manipulation by taking scriptures to make someone do what you want. I'm so confused. I never wanted to go against God's will and I didn't want to leave to hurt anyone. I just thought counseling would help get through this situation. I'm so lost and confused and I don't know who is right.
Thanks for listening,
Ella

[Jamie808]

Hi Ella,
I've been at this site for about 3 months. I've completed a couple studies which I've found to be pretty life changing. I've just started this Christian Counseling Study today and will leave my first journal entry as well. I'm excited that you are on here. There is no doubt that Jesus will continue his healing work and shine His light more and more into your heart.

It is SO KOOL that you are willing to be open with your struggle. My guess is that a GREAT MAJORITY of us Christians struggle with this issue. (I know my wife and I did) Few, I believe, have the courage to address it as you are doing. "If we walk in the light, as He is in the light we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus, God's son, purifies us from all our sin."

I believe that verse. I can also say that sometimes (often ?) I have attempted to walk in the light by airing my sins and seeking support and have gotten burned. Sometimes I have found grace and support (which seems to be coming from your bf's fam) and sometimes I have found judgment, rejection and confusion (which may be coming from your parents ? idk ?) It's a personal journey - that we need to make with others. My experience has been "that I win every time I draw near to Christ. I can ask His amazing Holy Spirit to guide me and He does as I keep drawing close to Him. I'm glad ur doin this study. I'm sure Our Loving God will continue to help u and your boyfriend.

God Bless You
Jamie

[EllaMay]

Thanks Jamie I appreciate the understanding! I've read your first entry, but haven't gotten a chance to reply yet. I didn't know a lot of Christians struggled with this issue. I know it happens, but I didn't think it happened a lot. You are right there's no way I can lose if I'm drawing close to God. He'll provide for my needs. I'm so blessed to have this exposed before it could fester for too long and before it affected other huge aspects of my life. God is good even if his way of helping you isn't the way you wanted. I guess I'm still learning who to go to for support. I'm only wondering at what point do we as Christians need to address and deal with sin and at what point do we need to extend grace and love to the individual(s)? Because both sides are Christian (parents and bf's parents) they are both doing what they feel is right so maybe they're on two opposite extremes, but I know whenever I've got a question like this it's best to turn to the Word.

No matter what I am glad it is in the light and I'm so thankful for the advice his parents have given us. I believe at this point even though I do believe in visions, dreams, etc. I really need Church members who speak just the bible and it's truths. I just need a shot of scripture and biblical advice I really want to get plugged into a good church couple that could lead us through this and at the least keep us accountable. I'm scared with the thought of getting married in the near future because I do know some issues don't go away with a ring. Like porn and unforgiveness.

I am so so thankful for God's Grace in my life. Reading about King David reminds me of how great our God is and how powerful His forgiveness is! When David tried to cover his sins and keep them in the dark God exposed them. Only after they were exposed did he ask forgiveness and still God compared all future kings to David and he went on to have a son who was one of the wisest men to live. God loved King David even after everything he had done!


Ella

[EllaMay]

So stepping stone 4 is all about forgiveness. It really struck home when it mentioned that guilt for your actions is actually just self pity. I thank God for his amazing forgiveness and I ask Him to forgive me for the levels of forgiveness I've given myself and others who have sinned against me. I guess in light of todays lesson I realize that even though I said I forgive my bf I still bring up everything he had done wrong and I now realize why it was so hard for him. I ask God to help guide me through forgiveness and to show me how to forgive myself.
This step was exactly what I needed to hear and today will be spent on a few weeds
I am extremely blessed to have a loving Father who wants only the best for me. I want to forgive others the way our Lord has forgiven me.
God Bless,
Ella

[EllaMay]

Step 5- So today has been one of those days where I'm just not wanting to write in a journal. I promised to finish this so now I must keep my word. My word matters to me. One day I want someone to think "hey, she is someone who keeps her word". Today's step was about finding and identifying the problem. I'm so so tired of the blame game and I'm so thankful God forgives even after how rotten I've been. I hate that I've fallen into Satan's trap and I hate that I am a slave to sin. I want it to stop. Please Lord God I am selfish and I am beyond ready to give up my weeds.

I'm so exhausted today, Lord. You know what I've been through and you were there every step of the way. You know how under attack this business meeting was and I especially thank you for getting the car started back up while I was stuck in the middle of nowhere. What a blessing to be able to have driven all those miles prayin' like a mad woman and making it safe

Not only do you forgive me for being so sinful, but you also beyond bless me! Thank you for helping every step of the way today. I ask God that you help me in my daily struggles and esspecially help with my online classes. This semester looks like it's going to be quite a bit of work.

Lord God, I struggle with lust, unforgiveness, bitterness, blame, and I am selfish. There are probably so so sooo many other things I struggle with and I ask that you help me with each and every one of them.
I choose to follow you.
Love,
Ella

[stillstanding]

Ella, I love you sis! And how very much more God loves you than human ever could!

your heart is so beautiful! i am blessed to know you


you are in my prayers

[EllaMay]

Thanks standing!

That means a lot. I'm so blessed to know you as well!!

I am so so thankful for the support

Ella

[EllaMay]

Step 6- So this is where the effort kicks in. I was thinking there had to be some work involved! Only it isn't so much work as it is an adventure (or so the step says...)

A part of me wants to talk the talk but not actualy walk the walk. See here's the problem: I know exactly what I should do and often times I say the right things. I go to councilors with problems and then I say I'm on the road to recovery. I'm not. It's just easier to say that I've got it together and that I can handle it. Heck, it's easier to say "God's taking care of it. Thanks for the help. Thanks for the prayer. See ya."

In reality I don't follow through and I don't get better. If I was getting better I wouldn't be so far into this mess. If I were truly trying I wouldn't feel like a victim and a slave to my sins. God made me to glorify him, but how can I effectively do that when I am in constant bondage from sin?

I'm not the first to admit that I need help, but God I need help. This miracle grow isn't possible. It isn't possible unless you help me and you lead me. I can't do this please take my burdens. I just want your love and grace. Help me to glorify you Lord and please lead me through this program.

I need you God.
Ella

[EllaMay]

Step 7- I'll admit today was a very very unproductive day. I didn't pray about my miracle grow program and I only got the strength and will power to read through step 7. It's like there's this heaviness and all I want to do is sleep. I still want to pray about the miracle grow program and see what works best for me. I love the idea of ejecting the lies from within me. It was a very nice analogy and I'm so glad I did get the will power to read this step.
Ella

[Jamie808]

Hi Ella
There's something about u. U have bin touched by God.'s great love. Oh how I relate to the bondage of sin nd creating a mess for myself because I wudnt change. Then I created a bigger mess Cu's I was upset at myself for not changing. Then I wud change nd then my self will wud take over again - ugh. It wud be funny except wen the cycle goes on for years it really hurts. Ive' done 2 rather intense studies like the one u are doing now. I found waves of spiritual resistance that wud hit me in the form of fatigue nd sleep. May I say to U, get excited! His breakthrough awaits. Stay in the study. Stay in prayer as much as u can nd trust the process. Please no that I am praying for u.