Christianity Oasis Forum

[bruce tipton]

Hello, my name is Bruce, and I am having marriage problems. The problem is that my wife is Bipolar! It is very difficult to deal with a person with this condition. One day warm, and the next day very frosty with a very nasty attitude to the point of it effecting our kids. She at one time was the more spiritually mature one of us, and now it has seemed to reverse. The whole household is in turmoil when this occurs. I have prayed many of days for the softening of her heart when this occurs, but the last thing that most Bipolar people can see is themselves, I'm not saying it is all her, because I'm sure I have my issues as well. I know God hasn't ever turned his back on us, but it gets frustrating. we need prayer in the worst way before our marriage fell. We have 2 children both girls, what else can I do to ease this burden off of this family? I'm not sure if I'm the problem, or what it could be. She tells me that she hates me all of the time, and I don't know if it is the Bipolar, or if it is just me, anyway, please pray for my entire family.

[dema]

Prayer is important, but generally you need to pray for God to show you what to do.

I recommend you read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" That helps a lot. Women hint. Men don't get hints. She needs to read it to. You can try to get hints, but being a man you will never likely be very good at it. There are things in there you can learn to do. But she needs to read it too. Maybe you could photocopy pages and ask her to please read that part.

There is also the book, the love languages. That one is easier to summarize - people feel loved in different ways. Presents aren't a big deal for me. But my grandmother was all about presents. And one of my daughters is. If presents are a love language for your wife, then giving her little things often will make a huge difference in how she feels about you. Look at what she does for others when she is in a good mood.

1. Does she clean everything up? Do special chores? Do YOUR chores for you - or do the kids chores for them? If that is what she does, then when she is in a bad mood, offering to do the dishes or whatever is normally HER chore or just doing something on your honey do list would make a big difference.
2. Gifts - does she love to give gifts? Then she may really need to get them. Women tend to appreciate a thoughtful gift no matter what the price. Men like a gift to be dramatic - but women aren't that way. They want it to be thoughtful. If you remember her favorite something, then getting her one chocolate, or one red rose could score big points - IF gifts is what she likes.
3. Quality time - does she nag you about spending time with her? Then do. Even and particularly when she is unpleasant. She should be willing to compromise - let you watch your game but then you go for a walk. I don't know what she likes.

Paying attention is big no matter what. And women nag about what they care about - or at least what they care about is in the nagging. Men tend to ignore nagging. But you shouldn't. If you need me to interpret, then take notes and write them to me. I will tell you what her nagging means. Men tend to carry on because they are in a bad mood. And a man will fuss about politics or something he really doesn't care about. Women are different. We tend to mention it and hope you get it until we blow our stacks. Or get PMS. Or have a headache. And then we let you have it for all the times we said it and you didn't listen. The thing is that most women hint instead of saying, so when a woman blows the man thinks, "Where did that come from?" And then they think. "Oh, she is PMSng and she doesn't mean it." But that just isn't true. She is PMSing and so she is REALLY expressing what she's felt all along. SHe is telling you how she really feels about the things she's been trying to get you to get for the past month. Or months.

4. Compliments. If she gives compliments, she needs to get them. If she nags that you never appreciate her - then you need to learn the art of giving compliments.

5. Touch. Does she rub your shoulders, touch the kids hair a lot? Does she say that you never touch her except when you want sex? If that is the case, then when you come in, make sure you find her and hug her. And when you are in the room, learn to pat her shoulders. or ask her to sit by you on the sofa when you watch tv together. Hold her hand sometimes.

People are different. Probably 2 of the five things are very important to your wife. It would help things a lot if you figured out which two they are, and if you learned to give her what she needs in those two areas.

And read that book, please. Because men need to learn quality listening. And that is too much for this space.

Hugs and best wishes.

Oh, and it does take work to keep a marriage. It really does.