Christianity Oasis Forum

[medgirl777]

Hello -

New here. I've been a Christian since a little kid, so I've basically known Jesus my whole life, which has been pretty awesome. Not that my life hasn't come with trials. I have been married for 25+ years now. Short background: Both of us are Believers in Christ. Found out about my husband's addiction in 1995. I went into action and tried to "fix" my husband for 15 years. Didn't work. I entered into Christian recovery in 2007. God changed my life. Still with my husband. We are in a place in our relationship that feels like ground zero where we are trying to rebuild even though it took since 2007 be in that place. Nonetheless, we are here and I'm both grateful and full of questions. At this point, we are now fitting into the "head of the household, Godly leader" and "submissive wife" roles. When he was in the midst of his addiction, I took on the leadership role as he would check out and I wanted to keep things going in our family, so I took over. Not saying that was the right decision but the decision I made at the time. It has been very hard to trust him and let him lead us as a family and become the Godly submissive wife. Not that I don't speak up or ever disagree with him, but respect him as the leader of our family and respect what he says and the decisions he makes. If any wife has lived with an addict, she probably knows exactly what I'm talking about.

My request for feedback is as follows.....when I need to bring something up to him that has been bothering me that he has done, I tend to be negative in my approach and come across like he can't change and fulfill my request. For example, he sent a text to me before he got home one night that he is coming home and being with the family instead of working out. So, he came home and sat in his chair and looked at his phone all night. I brought this up to him a couple of days later that he said one thing but did another. I told him it breaks down trust with me if he does this. He got very defensive and said that we need to be positive in our relationship and when I say that it breaks trust, this is negative and it doesn't do anything to build him up or want to do better. I'll give him that but I told him I can't be in denial anymore about things and need to be upfront with him. I probably made this incident bigger than it needed to be, which didn't help the communication with us anyway. He said that I need to look at my responsibility in every interaction between us and see if I'm guilty of anything. He thought my guilt in this incident would be that I didn't keep him accountable to spending time with us as he said he would. Ok, yes, I could have reminded him that very night "why don't you put your phone down and spend time with us like you said". Ultimately, I believe the responsibly falls on him for anything he says he is going to do. So, any feedback would be appreciated on this incident or how it has been for anyone in a similar situation where the wife is giving the leadership back to her husband as it should be and what it has been like. Thanks!

[Mackenaw]

Hello Medgirl777

God bless you this day.

It seems you already know what you can improve upon, so then it's a matter of taking a different approach.

If another wife were asking for advice to a similar situation, what would you advise her? What might she do or say differently?

I know this seems like an odd way of answering your question; however, as a born again Christian you have access to the One True God, and He is able and willing to direct you. Pray and listen, then do.

I hope you'll share with us what God shared with you.

Prayers are rising to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your and your family's behalf. May God's will be done.

God bless and keep you.
Sister Mack

[notforgotten]

Hi medgirl777,

Welcome to Christianity Oasis and thank you for sharing.

My wife holds me to my every word and I personally find this a bit annoying, especially when it comes to finances. Situations change over time and I like the freedom to change my mind. I have learned to be careful in what I say we are or are not going to do. We have suffered from addiction in the past also and our relationship has survived. The biggest question I have sometimes today is, "where has the money gone?" So there is still a bit of a trust issue going on there. I believe that in time, it will get better. I love my wife dearly, but if I find out she is still using and jeopardizing my sobriety, I will most likely separate from her eventually. I don't stress on the little things. But as the bread winner, I have a large say on the big things. It is not that I want to be the dominate husband, it is just that I am more of a thinker and less careless than she is. Please don't get me wrong, she does have a say and I give into her often. Most my earnings go to her and my family, I am an unselfish person. Anyhow, I hope that this helps and I am not just rambling on. God bless.

[medgirl777]

Thank you, notforgotten. It is interesting you say that about it being annoying for your wife to hold you accountable for everything you say. I'm wondering if it is annoying for my husband. Thank you for bringing that up and it makes me think I probably take things too serious or hold his feet to the fire way too much. It is also interesting you bring up finances as we just went through an overhaul with ours. He is now very involved in the finances, which he wasn't before. He is much better at budgeting but couldn't get involved emotionally with our money as it was too depressing for him. He has changed and is now very involved. I didn't do a very good job in budgeting and we ended up with a small amount of debt. Needless to say, he was not happy. It is much better now and we are actually building a savings acct. When I submitted and let him lead with our money, things got better. Not being in charge of our money doesn't feel good to me at times and it was very hard to hand it over to him but I submitted. We do still have issues about agreeing on how the money is handled but at least we work at it.

At this point, right now, it is baby steps for us. He is learning how to be the leader of our family and I'm learning how to be his helpmate. It is hard to put into words the struggles we face with this where I'm able to trust him to be the leader and not a dictator and I don't try to override his authority due to fear or anxiety that he isn't leading right.

Thank you, Mackenaw - That is a good way to look at things as far as what advice I would give another wife. I will process that and see what I would tell someone else.

I appreciate your feedback!