Christianity Oasis Forum

[flowersfromabove]

Hi,
so, God's word says that the wise men seek counsel. This is why I am here typing this. Here's my story.
I married an un-Godly man, had two boys with him, and we then divorced after 16 years. I stayed single for 8 years after the divorce - focused much on healing myself, thru God, and focused on my boys, who are now 17 and 20. I began dating 3 years ago and have been dating the same man for 2 1/2 years. The reason I became interested in this man is because of how much he talked about the importance of his relationship with God and he was the 1st man that wanted to go to church with me and I was looking for someone with this character. within 3 months of knowing each other, we became physical, but for the most part attempted to refrain, but failed periodically. Once we did become physical, i became completely dedicated to him only. we did not talk about this, but I assumed he did the same for me. after 10 months of dating, i found out he was still on dating websites and talking to his x (no kids together, but i got the impression he was addicted to her-she was very sensual...) all of this shocked me because of how much he said he focused on being a man of God. I know i expected more because of what he always said he focused on. we did part but not for long and we started dating again. after a couple more months, i found he was still on dating websites and when i confronted, he said he got off. i could tell he had a hard time "giving that up" he said he just looked only... then a few more months passed (we always had a good time together and i gave him the benefit of the doubt and trusted him) then 1 1/2 years into our relationship, i found out in a very bad way he has herpes (he actually let me become physical with him while he was having a breakout) and he opted not to even tell me. it was after when i saw it and said something and he acted as if it was something new. so, we talked about going to doc to get checked out. well, the guilt did overcome him and he admitted that he knew he had herpes. i was so shocked that he did not protect me and put me in danger like that. he is a saleman and knows how to talk and i let him back into my life after just a week. he is also a very wishy/washy person - doesn't like to plan things and has a hard time making up his mind. so trust has become an issue and then i found out he was still talking to his x and i told him that upset me and he told me he will always tell me about it then. so i accepted that. about 2 months after the herpes issue i found he was again looking online at singles and then a few months after that found a voicemail from his x and he lied about that and said he hadn't heard from her for a long time. unfortunately, i have trust issues with him and did start checking his computer and phone and that is how i found the most recent items. so, i know he has some good qualities, he always calls me, prays, focuses on his relationship with God, has alot of Godly character. and i know no one is perfect. another big issue i see is that he loves our families and is good to everyone, but doesn't like spending alot of time with them. he doesn't want to marry and live with my one son that is still in highschool (he has a year left) so i am concerned if my boys ever need a place after they are out on their own he will have an issue with that or if they marry and have grandkids that he will have issues with extended stays with family. we do great when we are alone but do not see much of each other when i have my boys with me. i have been very patient; he has asked me to marry him and i did say yes and am wearing a ring but am having doubts. he knows i am and now tells me that he would be the most faithful, honest, trustworthy person but i am having issues with his actions. i keep waiting for him to prove to me that this is true but have not felt it yet. he seems to be the type to be a man of God, but falls every so often and knows God will forgive. i do not want someone that will need to beg for forgiveness on some major issues every so often. he has not been a man of God until he was in his 40's - he has been open about his past and it sure wasn't pretty. i know people change and are transformed thru the word of God and focusing on God and i can tell he has to an extent but too many things have happened and i don't know how to talk to him about all of this and i know i expect him to prove to me and don't know if that is right.

[JulieAnn]

Dear flowers,

If you were my daughter, I would say to you - run! And get as far away from him as possible. I'm sorry to put it this bluntly but this man is not a 'godly man' as you say. He is selfish and immature. You listed way too many things for him to be called a man of integrity and trustworthy. In fact, he repeatedly has continued to 'hunt' for other women, and the thing he did to you with herpes - intentionally - no way! That is not only morally wrong but that would be considered illegal in a court of law. I suspect you already know this, but what you have had with him and have now with him is what you can expect from him if you marry him. Plain and simple. Our Heavenly Father is not going to put you together with a man such as him. He may say He loves God, and goes to church and so forth, but there is no fruit - not based on all you have revealed. He can make all the promises he wants as to how he would be this perfect husband after you marry him but what you see 'now' is what you get. "You will know them by their fruit" You deserve better than this, as do your sons.

In His love,
Julie Ann

PS. Food for thought: What would you say to your sons if they came to you with the same scenario over a girl they were considering marrying?

[flowersfromabove]

Julie Ann,
thank you for taking the time to discuss this with me. Deep down i know what i need to do. With the strength and wisdom of the Holy Spirit I will do what is right in God's way for me and my boys. I do appreciate your feedback.

[dema]

I agree that he is bad news. I'm sorry he hurt you.

[cj_loves_gospel]

God Bless you, to help you though this time and to help you heal your breaking heart.

[eagle4031]

No - do not marry him
If he really loved you those things would not have happened
If he really was a man of God, his addictions would go.
Being a man who is similar to him i can speak with authority
You will not find your right partner until you let go of the wrong one

Speak only to God for a week -his answer will fill your heart