Dema's Dreams

[dema]

At home we made safe words. We each have our own. And we used them the first week and haven't needed them but maybe once or twice since. I had difficulty with my daughter just running over me verbally at work - nothing in the least malicious or even negative in her intent. And I said that I would raise 1 finger when they challenge me. (Her husband works for me and he does it on occasion.) But since I have said that, I have only mentioned once that I felt pushed. And have not needed to use the signal.
I imagine when things are very hectic that I likely will.

I feel like so much of addiction wouldn't occur if people had the twelve steps and the hugs first.

My point is the need for this safe structure - the need for a way to escape a conflict or to reestablish and order when emotions are high and people aren't thinking clearly.

I think that I am now in a safe place. My husband hears me - or something close to it. And he manages to communicate in pieces that make sense and interconnect.

That doesn't mean that everything is all rosy - though actually many things are - but it does mean that we can work through issues. Like his fan panic yesterday.

[Dora]

I love the way you quietly tell others they've crossed the line and are effecting you. Praying for you dear.

[dema]

Hubbyis in court. Woke up a lot to pray for him. I dreamed that there were little children with little booboos and I would pray for them and the booboos would just disappear. I am praying that this drug incident will do likewise.

I went to the counsellor yesterday. And hubby got recorders for the house so he can see the arguments where I tell him that he didn't say or do what he thought he said or did. But, the thing is, that in the week between when he ordered them and when they came in, we've only really had one disagreement and we got that completely resolved in 45 minutes, and most of the 45 minutes was us going off by ourselves to calm down and think.

I guess I'm not supposed to talk about political things on here - the subject is the lack of knowledge about marijuana since the government treats it like a Salem Witch. MAybe California will actually do some studies on it.

His personal communication was so damaged by it. He didn't hear what was said, didn't process what he did hear, remembered his impressions and not what was said, couldn't communicate his own reasons. His crazy tantrums probably had roots somewhere. And he was so determined that they needed to be analyzed so they weren't repeated - but he couldn't communicate what the vast majority of them were about. It's like a baby or toddler crying and wailing endlessly and they can't tell you what is wrong.

I'm thinking about those things because I went to the counsellor yesterday - one thing I don't like about going to a counsellor. It makes you think about things that are all better now. He isn't doing those things anymore.

She wants to see us together - but last week the thought scared me. And this week, I don't think there is a point. I have worked so hard at trying to understand him and calm him down when he wasn't making sense, that now that he makes sense most of the time - I don't think there is anything left to solve with US.

One thing she doesn't seem to realize that I have been trying to express to her - he doesn't have people. He doesn't have people and he doesn't have God. She said that he doesn't have people because his people were pot people. And I told her that that was true - but that he has seldom had more than me and two other people - pot people - for more than a couple of weeks. And now, all he has is me. He won't see his daughter without me present. And he and his son have very strained relations because of the tax incident. He has NA, but hasn't gotten a sponsor.

That leaves..... ME.

He is being very good and nice to me. But, well, it still puts a lot of unspoken pressure on me. And it just isn't good.

I think the inability to communicate with people was the strongest motivation for the pot. She is thinking the pot is why he has the people issues. But the people issues go back to when he was 3, and he wasn't smoking pot then.

I did my best to express it. The money for the counsellor is becoming an issue. I'll encourage him to talk to her about it. I don't know what she can do about that anyway?????

[dema]

Choreography - I see God putting things together in intricate patterns. It is really amazing. Things that on the surface are bad, become amazing tools for good.

God works in mysterious ways. And sometimes he lets us see - it is amazing.

[Dora]

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhm God is good like that.

Praising Him that you have been allowed to see His hand with in these things.

[dema]

Convincing him is an issue. I have suggested it many times.

[dema]

I watched Forbidden Territory yesterday. It upset me. I've been watching detective shows - and try to watch something more uplifting now and then.

People talk about how things are worse than they used to be. They are soooo much better on so many levels. Human rights are far better in most of the world. Women and the poor had so few rights until the previous century - almost everywhere. Husbands could beat their wives and children, and do horrible things, and people just looked away.

Slavery and the slave trade was overcome by conscience. Many people had to risk a great deal to stop that.

Did you know that population grown is near 0 in most of the world? Only the poorest countries are still having a lot of children - because in those countries the children are the only social security the people have. As soon as income goes up, births go down.

Mexico is getting fat. That surprised me. Abundance has its own issues. But hunger is an ugly thing - physical hunger.

It distresses me to think of these things that were real - and just accepted by so many. I think that maybe that is why it distresses me so much - hearing the slave trader justifying his actions. Hearing the lies that people told themselves. As much duplicity as still exists, I think this is a much more honest age.

[dema]

Yesterday hubby did what he has done so many times before. Actually all weekend. I think that he wants interraction and can't think of anything to say except old buttons. So he just starts hopping from one to another. No provocation. It's particularly bad when I confront him on it. He is very likely to jump into doing it as soon as I bring it to his attention that he has been doing it.

Anyway, yesterday I was very calm with him. And very, very angry. i got home and he was a happy labrador retriever (but no mention of VDay) and I told him I was too angry with him to be in his presence. And his response was, "But, I'm happy now, you should be too."

But that isn't what this is about - what this is about is the fact that the anger and unforgiveness sat on my chest all day. It felt like something physical there - something huge and heavy. And it weighed me down all day in every way possible.

And when I got home, weighed down with yards of Scrooge's chains, the hubby was a labrador retriever.

[Dora]

I feel for you dema.

You seem so good at working with him and helping him grow. I think you are amazing!

Is there something you can do to guard you from getting your buttons pushed?

You are so strong. Love ya

[dema]

I'm weary. Please pray for me.

My mommy is worried about me because I've had soooo much stuff to wear me down. I don't want to go into it all - but, in due time needs to come soon.

[dema]

Saga: Hubby will be on good behavior for several days and then he goes into bad behavior. This last time I actually managed to stay calm virtually the whole time through several days. And I could SEE the way he would tell me something and then say that oh, no, I misinterpreted it. How he set me up in unreasonable situations. How he mumbled repeatedly to force me lean in and sayd, "excuse me" over and over and over. And then if I didn't hear him say something, he would use that to excuse bizarre behavior - though we've had a rule for years that if the other person doesn't acknowedge a statement, it wasn't heard. His behavior was out of a movie plot about a husband trying to get his wife committed. I was calm so I could SEE.

The day before my mother had asked why I didn't leave him, and I said that until my heart gave me permission, I wouldn't have peace. And yesterday my heart gave me permission and I called the lawyer. I also wrote up the behavior of the last few days and took it to the therapist and sent hubby and 2 daughters copies. And I told my parents. I have been in this pattern for years. And I realized that what he did during the last few days is a pattern that he has been doing for a long, long time.

So, I got home and he had found Jesus in the swimming pool. And he had flowers and had his Bible out - he and a previous preacher had picked one out years ago before hubby decided he'd never been a Christian - and he cried and told me how I was right, I was right, I was right. That the trouble was he'd never let go. That I'd told him that a lot of times and I was so right. He just had to let go. And he cried. And we talked about the Bible and he read Battlefield of the Mind and was rejoicing in the fact that now that he had ADD medicine he could actually read and understand.

And I prayed, and my answer is to go to the lawyer. I told hubby and he said that he understood. That Jesus told him just not to lose faith and to keep loving me.

So, I am going to the lawyer. Time will tell whether this is anything real or whether he's just been around Christians enough to put up a good show. He was an actor.

I have to go on what God tells me. And God is telling me to go to the lawyer - finally. At last. After years of begging him to tell me something. With peace.

And I have been around God long enough to know that going to the lawyer could mean any number of things. That I will tell the lawyer about the bizarre behavior - but it will turn out to be real and witness to the lawyer. That hubby won't have the strength to last as a Christian unless he really has to maintain for a while .... or just that this is a scam.

Obviously, prayers are welcome. If this was a movie, the cute policeman would have rescued me by now as hubby fell to his death over a parapet and I would be wrapped in a warm embrace.

[dema]

Well, this has been an amazing week. Hubby and I got into it yesterday - he said things that looked like a duck and walked like a duck - but he had actually recorded the conversation and convinced me that it wasn't a duck.

He went to meet with both the preacher and the counselor. Told them both he thought he had been possessed, that he had listened to recordings of himself and was just amazed. I thought he took a huge risk telling that to the counsellor - kindof surprised no white coats were involved.

My message from God in all this is "Don't be easy on him." And I haven't been. I read him the parable about the seed that falls on shallow soil and sprouts and then withers. And I keep telling him that one of the reasons he has been so disdainful about Christians is because it is HARD to walk the walk. Relinquishment sounds easy - but sometimes you are walking and you don't know where you are going. It's like pin the tail on the donkey where God just nudges you so you don't fall into the swimming pool. And I think that is why so many Christians try to get themselves all bound up in rules. They aren't willing to walk with blinders on with God just nudging them along.

And then the rest of it is that if you aren't praying and studying and praising faithfully - that you don't tend to even hear God. Faithfulness is diligence. And diligence takes perseverence. And perseverance is HARD.

So I will pummel him or shake him and growl at him and he will laugh and tell me to go ahead. And he is reading the Bible and Battlefield. He's most of the way through Battlefield - but I got him to start back over and discuss each chapter with me.

He didn't realize that Jesus ate fish and walked around after the resurrection. I told him the ascension is celebrated 40 days later and he was stunned. So we read through the gospel accounts. I haven't read Acts in years. Maybe we'll read it together.

In the meantime, I have all these really good professional friends that I hardly ever see. And I think they have all either called or visited or made a date to go out this week. And the business, that I've mentioned has been struggling through this recession, has so many calls and appointments and we have gotten contracts and gotten documents out so that we have also already sent out invoices.

I have been tithing - more than tithing - and I claim the increase on that. And God has told me that I'm where I'm supposed to be - and I claim the reward for that.

Hubby told me today that God had told him that it wasn't going to be easy. That I wasn't supposed to be easy on him.

I think sometimes people don't give their humanity its due. My heart wants to believe. I DO believe in miracles. But, I am a whole person and a lot of the pieces and parts have to heal. And God planned it well (at least in once sense - of course God's timing is perfect - but grrrr). My friend is visiting and is here about half the time Thurs. - tomorrow. And work was busier. And I have dates with other friends through Monday. So, it measures out the time that I have available for hubby. But I am enjoying his company and we are talking about spiritual things and it does seem real.

I am so beat up right now, that saying God is good is both amazingly true - but yet part of me wants to pummel God the way I'm pummeling hubby. Does that make sense?

Why did I go through this? Why did you wait so long? Why did it take being through and done and past the end of my rope for the changes to happen?

Anyway, I have amazing cause for rejoicing.