Dema's Dreams

[dema]

Hubby is being good. One thing about abuse - it gets us to think about ourselves and takes our minds off of others. That's kindof the definition of selfish. Big reason why I know it has to stop.

It is so easy not to notice others. Or other needs.

I thought I had something profound to say.

Thank you all so much for your prayers. And love. It matters. I think depression is a downward spiral into selfishness. I think the way to stop the spiral is to help and be helped. To connect. Prayer is obviously integral to a process of growth and recovery - but we have to DOOO something in a physical sense as well. Act. Be alive. Sometimes that is the big question - what can we dooooooo. Who needs us? Where can we be needed???

It is nice to have a place where we can need and need to be needed. Ya know?

[Dora]

Amen

[dema]

Addicts lie. My ex-husband philanderered. Philanderers lie.

My husband confessed his sins and I forgave him. But, he keeps trying to change history and change what he said.

He told intimate sexual details to his brother and will say things like, "I can't believe you told my brother that."

Why does he even bring it up 8 or so years later?

And why blame me for something he did that doesn't matter now anyway?

It is stupid and it is stupid for me to get upset about it.

I want him to understand me. Or at least to not bring up old stuff and misinterpret it.

And to say, snidely, "Well, I think you should talk to the counsellor about that." and "Oh, you got upset. You have a problem. If you didn't have a problem you wouldn't get upset. You have a violent temper."

Nanananbooboo.

It is stupid that I react. And, by the way, my upset consists of raising my voice. And using the word "idiot" about his family and their treatment of children. And an occasional word I shouldn't use.

His family will give something to one child and not even try to make it even for other children present. There was a major issue because an adult tried to donate their birthday party that I volunteered to one of the 8 grandchildren and could not understand, after repeated effort on my part, that a grandmother cannot give a birthday party to one of 8 grandchildren. It just doesn't work that way. And even repeating "No" over and over again met with resistance. So, that was 5 years ago and my husband is still bringing it up. Why? Nobody else does. Everybody else accepted the fact that I take the kids to dinner, buy them a present, buy them a cake and take them home.

Why? And why do I let the same old, same old get me down?

[dema]

I call it digging up dead horses (beating a horse that is not only dead but long buried).

I am following his trains of thought better. But, he has to quit this exhumation he does. He seems to have a big problem with separating things. Or seeing the reason behind things - things that I have painstakingly explained to him multiple times.

Kindof like being convinced that the garage opens magically after having the whole mechanism explained multiple times. After I have tried everything I know to explain - I just want him to drop it. How many times can you explain a garage door? let alone something that hurts.

I will see the therapist this afternoon provided I can get downtown. A guy is going to plow our driveway sometime this morning.

I have been spending lots of time talking to God. He keeps telling me that things are going well - that He is there choreographing. I'm doing fine. No pressure. I'm doing absolutely better than fine. Keep on keeping on. Just keep doing it. Don't give up.....

[dema]

We are in the bad part of the pattern again. I realized that he lives his life in a Tae Kwon Do protective stance. The only time he really comes out of it is if he thinks I am going to leave.

So, I just went in and told him that his current state of chronically being offended was a violation of our thirty day agreement and he basically popped out of it.

Last night he talked about how he had tried to find Jesus and that he had had some miracles or visions he isn't sure which. And he doesn't know why he doesn't have Jesus. This morning I started to ask him a question on the topic and he freaked. I finally convinced him it was an extension of last night's discussion that he brought up.

When he gets upset, he gets offended at thing after thing after thing. And digs up dead horses. He is so afraid of a double standard - and boy, he has had one. I clean up my mess and half of his messes. I gave him his privacy, and let him invade mine without limits. The list is long. And yet if I make a suggestion he's like a little kid - "It can't be a double standard. It can't be a double standard."

He is like a little kid in so many ways. But I don't have the authority to say, "Because I said so."

I told him about the Tae Kwon Do stance today and he responded with stunned silence.

He needs Jesus. He really does.

I think that maybe if he goes into another of these funks, that I will just preach and praise day and night. And then maybe he will either be saved or leave. This is a serious consideration.

[Dora]

Praying for you both. I expect a praise report here one day.

[xxJILLxx]

Dema,

Lifting up prayers for you both sis and i stand in agreement with my sister Pine .

God's blessed will be done. God bless you both.

♥Jill

[dema]

I am seeing some things. I have been enabling being a victim. I really hate the way that sounds. We went to see a miserable counsellor years ago, and she recommended the Love Languages - good book. And my hubby obviously has self-esteem issues, so I tried to consciously build him up. Every time he walked into a room and talked to me, I would look him in the eyes and talk to him. He is ADD and I have an engineer's brain. An engineer's brain means that I want to concentrate on what I am doing and can ignore interruptions. Realizing a person is in the house can be tough. He is ADD and walks through a room at least once in most ten minute periods anytime he is home. I did this paying attention thing for him for over 3 years, as well as hugs, pats and lots and lots of compliments.

In the meantime, my business has been in the toilet due to the recession. For the last year the biggest customer has preferred to work with my daughter who works for me (she's cheaper and younger and cuter) and she has been doing a lot more of the running of the office than me. I've always had a problem with her interrupting me. (Particularly when she was pregnant) but after a year of near autonomy it was awful. I find it depressing to hang in an office with nothing to do. So, I would be in 14 -40 hours in a given week. Averaging 24.

We got some projects in that require my expertise and I can't get out a paragraph at work without her interrupting and he does the same thing at home.

And he keeps rehashing things - settled arguments or discussions. This morning was classic - but you know what? He isn't having tantrums anymore and I just walked out on him. Twice. When one person is trying to follow rules of politeness and the other person doesn't - it can victimize the polite person. I believe he is making things up to keep me in the room. The counsellor led me to think that.

And what tends to happen is that I wait until I feel totally victimized and then explode and take someone's arm off. Daughter walked around without a limb for a while yesterday. I don't mean tantrums by the way. I mean a scathing tone in front of people. The words would almost sound fine here - they didn't at all there.

The counsellor told me to set definite limits for hubby. When I am sitting in this chair in this time period you may not talk to me.

So, I had to define interruption for Daughter and also define the raised finger and what it means.

She is such a good employee and a wonderful daughter. That's a huge part of the problem. When polite requests, and semi-unpolite repeated requests don't work - what does one do in such a situation? But she does absolutely hate for me to be mad at her. So, the issue apparently is the need for an edict - a definite boundary. And I kindof hate having to do that - but I think it will work.

Applying the counsellors advice for hubby to daughter. Realizing that I need to handle my life with boundaries and rules for people who don't act within normal rules of politeness with me. Setting safe boundaries for myself. Feeling safe.

[dema]

My feeling beat up has affected other areas of my life. Now I need to get those straight. We are busy at work, Praise God!!!!, but I have let things get out of order between me and my employees - most particularly my daughter.

I thank God for this pragmatic counsellor.

My daughter is an incredibly important part of my life. Children always are, but this one has worked with me for years. She has been running the show while I have been letting her. And I need to run the show again. Please pray for us. Family businesses always have their challenges and this one is a big one.

Hubby and I have been doing well - or at least much better. We are hearing each other. And that is huge.

Spiritually, I hear God saying, "Give it to me! Give it to me!"

Not about one thing but about all things.

Let it go, let it go, let it go - let God, let God, let God.

Sounds so easy. Here, God - take it.

[Dora]

Aw yes that's what I'm learning to. To release control to Him. Things get so out of control when we try to control. He is the one who can set things straight. Cause He is so good like that!!!

His will be done in all things.


Love ya sis.

[dema]

Does IITim 3 really predict the need for Depends? Looks that way to me.

Well, I have been trying to slow down and let God. And so far, so great.

There is of course, the Battle of the Minutes. I am trying to train myself to recognize stress and pause. They do that with angner management (I know this from my ex and from a foster child) that you become attunded to your body and the rising inside that precedes a loss of temper.

If people can do that for anger, why not stress of any kind? I need to make stress a God moment.

[dema]

My husband finds so many things to fear. He was scared to death that the cat would get out and get hurt. The cat had been out all the time before I met my husband, and he only managed to escape less than once a year after that - but the cat died from a dog. And today, my husband was freaking out about something else and said it was my fault a friend accidentally let the cat out.

I believe that what we believe affects what happens. That constant fear increases the probability of that thing happening.

He thinks that's nuts.

I had an excellent day yesterday. And hubby and I have settled our differences - we did so with relatively little stress. He wanted to disable the fans because the grandkids had turned them on when the birds were out - on fast. I turn them on on slow when the birds are out and have since the beginning. I have them so that they go around very, very slow. Scotty rides the fan like a merry go round. It is hilarious.

So, they know not to get near the fans when they are on. They are parrots, not canaries. they are smart. But, we agreed that he can turn them off with the chains when the grandkids are here. I wonder if he will even remember. We've had the fans longer than the birds.

So much fear. It has to be exhausting.