Christianity Oasis Forum

[Dria28]

I am 30 years old I have to children, one from a previous marriage and one from my current marriage. Some of you may remember me about 6 years ago I was in a very abusive marriage, my ex husband cheated often and rubbed it in my face and here I was with this beautiful little boy and my life was a wreck. I tried to make it work with my ex-husband many times but I was hard headed and he was an adultery for sport and when confronted he wanted to fight.
i started over many times with my son but when he turn 3 I decided enough was enough I wanted more for his life and the things he was seeing wasn't right so I left my ex husband for good. About 1 year after I left I met a man and for the first time I put GOD on high priority he got saved and wanted to get married and I rededicated my life to GOD. We lost two children and was finally blessed with an baby girl, my husband who had no children claims my son as his own since his father is not in the picture at all. When we had our little girl, I noticed that my son started acting like a baby doing little things and it was like he was a completely different child from before but I chalked it up as its just a lot of changes happening in his life he will soon realize this blessing and be happy. And things I thought was definitely going that way until my husbands mother watched both kids for the weekend and treated him like garbage now he is talking about he wants to die and everyone lives his sister more than him.
I found out he was being bullied at school and it seems like he is getting hit all the way around so i dealt with that, but he is bigger than all the other kids but he is very sweat and just wants everyone to accept him lately he has been talking back more just doing really rude and disrespectful things. So today he purposely took his time getting ready for school and making his bed that he missed eating his breakfast, he can still eat at school but instead of just sucking it up he starting crying which he does often whenever he cant have his way and i told him to cut it off. I yelled at him, I've been at work all night and it felt like he was purposely making the morning difficult. So we finally left the house and waiting at the bus I told him if he doesn't do what he needed to do in the morning that i will take his toys from him indefinitely until he starts making better choices. After a couple moments he said you know what I should've never been born I'm always making bad choices. here lately he has been making a lot of bad choices and my husband and I talk to him to try get to the bottom of it but its very difficult because he thinks he knows everything at 7 years old. It is breaking my heart that my 7 year old his talking about death i have to do something I will try anything I dont want him to think i don't love him because i do love him with all i have in me. but maybe im being to hard of him i dont know i need some guidance, I have been praying over him daily it hurts to see my baby hurting.

[Timothy]

Dria!

I sent you a long pm.

Timothy

[dema]

The child needs attention. And the mother-in-law needs to know she must treat them both well or she cannot see either of them.

He may be identifying with his bad dad. You got rid of the bad dad so he may be afraid you will get rid of him too. It may be words you used about needing the son because the dad was gone. And now you have a new dad and a new baby - why do you need him?

Sometimes punishment isn't the way to go. Sometimes it is best to just not notice things and give a child a break. If you tell him something, you need to enforce it. 100% of the time. However, if you ask him something and he messes up you can ignore it without messing up on your discipline. So, you might try to ask and use please a lot and try not to order him to do a lot until this is over.

Keep in mind, getting into battles with him takes a lot of time. Avoiding the battles and doing more yourself - for a time - he needs to learn responsibility - may take less time than the battles.

He needs to know that you love him for him and that you aren't going to divorce him.

Hugs.

[Dria28]

Thanks Dema, I really appreciate the advice I try my Best to make my son feel like he is Loved, and if he doesn't know anything else he knows that mommy is not going to leave him or send him anywhere. When I made the statement I needed my son it was basically saying that in a time when I didn't feel like I had the willpower to get out of bed or go on in life just knowing that GOD had blessed me with my son made me get up and get things done because I knew I had to take care of him. My son doesn't really know his what I like to call (sperm donor) obviously not in front of my son. Out of his 7 years of life he only lived under the same roof as him for 1 year it has always pretty much been my son and I. I left my ex husband three times once when my son 4 months and went back when he was almost 1 years old and then again about 4 1/2 months later until he was 2 1/2 years old and then again right after his 3rd birthday. He has been with my now husband who he chose to call daddy I didn't force that on him because I didn't think it would be fair or right. And my husband loves my son no one could tell him that he isn't his son, on more than one occasion he has proven how much he loves him and where his mother is concerned she knows that there would be no separation of my children, I will never allow that to happen you buy for one you buy for the other if you can't do that don't buy for either.
And maybe you are right I can overlook certain things but Its hard to know as a parent especially a christian parent what to overlook. A lot of the problem is bullying at school and I have tried a thousand different ways to deal with that the best way is going to be us moving to a new district which is exactly what we are currently in the process of doing. It just hurts me when I can see that he is hurting.

Thank you again for your advice.

[dema]

Something else that might help is punishing by having him do extra chores WITH you. Or maybe he has to do the dishes, but you help him out? I know when my daughter acted out all the time I just kept her with me. She was 14 but I didn't let her do anything unless I was close enough to observe. Kids are HARD. It is tough to know what to do. (I kept trying to give her freedom but she would mess up right away.) She's grown now and we are close. She carried on about it once to me and I told her that at least she is alive. The way she took risks she might not be if I hadn't kept her close. She accepted that - made peace with the situation.

Anyway, she wasn't ever grounded from any family activities. She did more chores than she would have done. And honestly, I scheduled more family and fun activities because I felt bad for her. She didn't want to get in trouble - she just seemed ot have this knack for taking risks. She was always sweet and loving. So, we got snow cones and took friends along. I let her have friends over - but only for stuff like watching movies together (with me) - not spending the night. We went to zoos and things and sometimes invited friends. She said she never made close friends because she didn't seem to ever be allowed to go to their house. well, I tried. But she just took another risk. Dancing on the roof. Catching her sheets on fire while doing experiments. All sorts of oddball things you just wouldn't think a kid would do.

She was fussing about me being impatient as a mom when getting ready to go places one day. And I looked at her, and reminded her of how she had just a minute before been talking about her battles with her daughter getting ready to go. Well, I have never again heard that complaint again either. It is amazing how much better we look as parents once the kids have kids.

This too will pass. It isn't forever. And you can send the grandkids home if they get to be too much.

(Haven't sent one home yet.)

If you will consider a possibility and pray about it. And then another and pray. I think you will find God directs you pretty well.

[Dria28]

Thank you so much Dema its funny my mother and I was just talking about the things I did as a child the other day and I must say after having children of my own I have always respected my mom because when I was growing up respect for my elders was not an option but I must say that I have a whole new type of respect for her since having my own children I understand how she felt when I was younger and to think she raised me on her own under not so good circumstances. A lot of the choices she made make so much more sense to me now.

GOD BLESS, and thank you,
Dria

[Chazown]

with all that has said and advices given, may I add to it the thoughts came to my mind:
1. This is a spiritual battle and the negative reactions of your son came from listening to the devil's interpretation to his life as he came to steal, kill and destroy. he needs prayer and guidance in dealing with the stresses, with loving support from the important people in his life.
2. you are trying to "be a better mom", and I pray the Lord grant you wisdom and aid you in reaching the goal of being HIS VESSEL to be of help to your son who is his dearly beloved, HE DOES CARE for him so so much, and know how to carry YOU through this trial with daily sufficient grace
3. if needed and the Lord lead you to, maybe seek help from Christian counselors that work with children to help your son, as kids may be easier to open to people outside of his home where stresses come from, and the counselor can work with you and your husband to promote a more "steady" (or "escaping") place for your son to face and deal with what's troubling him.

we are not fighting with the flesh and the Lord told us not to rely on our own understanding

you may have known these and is here to simply ask for some advices, but I think it doesn't hurt to share, also there are others read the thread. hope it brings you comfort and encouragement.
Thank you for being faithful and care

[DaughteroftheKING]

I want to be a better mom too! Praying God help us!!! I am a mother of 5 and it is tough. Books that help are Dr Dobson's Dare to DIscipline and Training up a child by Michael & Debi Pearl. The Christian books all say to be consistent and say what you mean. It helps to have them do a chore if disobeying or back talking. Do 10 dishes for the way you spoke to me is a good line. Or start wherever you fell like you need to. Depending upon 2 Cor. 12: 9 & 10- His strength in our weakness!