married but unhappy

[Guest]

Hi everyone, I few months back I posted my story about my marriage to an alcoholic husband. Our marriage is like a roller coaster there are highs and lots of lows. For 9 years of marriage we've been separated 3x. The last time I left it took 7 months before I came back. I talked to my husband that this is our last chance. If we still can't get along we need to end and that I will file a divorce. My husband was vebally abusive to me, but when i gave him an ultimatum he changed. He still drink almost everynight but does not say profanity anymore. I go to Al anon which helps me understand the disease of alcoholism. So far my marriage with him is steady no more fights and I can see him changing a little bit. 9 years of marriage to an alcoholic is very difficult, my delimna is, although my husband still drinks he does not vebally abuse me anymore , I feel empty inside. I think I got tired of loving and caring for him, now that he is trying to change(not the drinking) his attitude towards me I stop caring. I just don't care anymore, I stay married to him because he repeatedly say he loves me and I am his life. But he can't stop drinking. Where do I draw the line. One time I told him I want a divorce that I am not happy being married to him anymore. He does not want one. I would feel so guilty that if I divorce him , I will really break his heart because I know he loves me. I think I have fallin out of love to my husband. What I feel now is compasion towards him that is why I stay married to him. Someday I want to be happy too, whether with my husband, a new man or living alone. It's hard to make decisions, I am 43 years old and am not getting any younger. I think I deserve to be happy but I don't want to hurt somebody just to get my own happiness. Am really confuse.

[Dora]

Hi maloualdick

Does he think he has a drinking problem?

If he isn't ready to admit to having a problem, then all you can do is pray.

Any amount of trying to get him to stop will just push him the other direction. To an addict, the addiction may feel like life and breath.

You say you've given up just as he is starting to change. I've been there. I think this happens to many. Just as something sparks in them to try to change the other partner is overwhelmed to exhaustion and frustration and so they give up. I know of many who divorce right before the break through. Then they find themselves asking why didn't she change before the divorce, or why didn't start trying before. When in reality they were just slower than their spouse wanted them to. Don't let this be you. Jump in and encourage him in the areas he's working on. Give him a reason to try even harder to over come. Be his personal cheerleader. And remember he needs to be able to make progress in baby steps. We want our spouses to arrive at our idea of what we want and we want them to arrive there yesterday. But God sees it through different eyes. He knows what is holding back this man and he is patiently lovingly encouraging him to strive at a speed the man can handle. I am so glad God doesn't push us faster than we are capable of. Whew would I be in a world of hurt is he did.

You can't change your spouse. But you can change you. You can give your marriage and spouse one more sprint towards happiness by giving it 110% of your time and energy. Setting aside All of the past and only looking at today and when today doesn't look to good, look toward tomorrow with all the hope you can muster that tomorrow is going to be closer to the happiness you seek.

kitty is right though. Seek Christ to fill that void. Your spouse is suppose to be your companion not your all in all. I'm not saying you are. Just encouraging you to seek something higher than a human to feel that void. I know we want someone who is flesh and blood to fill our our needs, including emotional. Even in the best of marriages a spouse could not do that.

Love you maloualdick and I hope my words encourage you to continue on and bring to your heavy heart a bit of strength to lighten your load. Run the race set before you. Now's the time to sprint for the goal.

[Guest]

thanks for the ecouraging words, that is true i feel empty inside because i have not really given myself to God. believe it or not i do pray and meditate a lot, i cried a lot to jesus. I know I can't hide anything from him he knows what i feel inside. Maybe I'm just being impatient for his answers. I know from the beginning He always takes care of me, actually i consider myself as an spoiled child of Jesus, because I have eveything, good job, good family, financially stable except for that one problem(my husband). Sometimes i look at the good things god has given me, and I am really grateful. I am trying hard to be positive about life but you know sometimes can't avoid to think of the one missing. My husband never admitted that he has a drinking problem. He was divorced by his 1st wife due to alcoholism. And he does not like to get help because he said he does not have a problem. I've given up on that trying to help him sobber. He thinks that Al anon is brainwashing me, he thinks that AA is a bunch of bull and people that goes there don't have a life. You see thats how narrow minded he is. I try to keep myself really busy just to forget my problem with him. there are nights when i don't sleep with him anymore because he gets too drunk and i feel like vomitting when i smell him in bed like that. I just got tired I think. Despite that I still have faith that one day God will answer all my prayers and I will be happy. Am trying to pray now that my relationship with God will be stronger that ever. I know this too shall pass...I just need a lot of patience.

[follower_of_Jesus]

That is the context of Phil. 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Paul was going through suffering, torture for his faith in Christ when he wrote that. He was saying that God was giving him the strength to ENDURE his persecution... Happiness comes and goes, but His joy stays no matter what happens

awesome scripture that is kitty

I find myself using that track every single day of my life as I am a recovering alcoholic /addict



maloualdick: I am really glad you are in al-anon, keep yourself involved with it, there is a forum here I host called cool recovery cafe, and I encourage you to post there, also a member here name realtmg host a forum called real solutions which is also a very good forum to post in., if you could get your husband to read my and other members testimony"s that may be helpful to get him to start his road to recovery, I am praying and will continue to pray for the both of you.


God Bless

Foj

[Guest]

i don't drink but i do know that i am abusive to my wife and kids at time and now i'm i the bout of going to court cuz of what i did and not knowing where my marriage is going, but all i know is that God has it all planed out for us all.
as far as you not loving him and him changing u do what you can to understand his problem witch is good but thats all YOU can do really. u need to pray that God changes ur husband and that his eyes r opened to his sins. Only God can change a person and a persons heart, we can only pray and show that you love and care for them. a friend told me that they have a sain in AA fact it til u make it, so if u fact like u love ur husband and pray that God will change ur heart to him then God will, but also pray that God shows ur husband his sins daily and that he needs to change his ways.

hope this helps u some i know where u are cuz my wife is the same way to me, fell out of love with me but love is feelings and they come like a tide.

God bless n hope all works out, ill have u in my prayers

[Guest]

thanks for all the kind words. It's been pretty steady lately. I go home after work, cook dinner clean up the kitchen and take my husband to bed, normally he says he's too tired. I would say he's drunk. that is my daily routine. There are times when he drinks only a little and very sweet to me. He has changed, (not the drinking), no more abuse in the house. I think he knows I have become very tough, that one more mistake he's gonna lose me. I do really feel compasion for him, not love anymore. I don't wanna rush things though, just let things happen for me. I'll just let God walk ahead of me and follow him. I don't really have plans in my life anymore. Sometimes it's hard to expect too much and get disappointed. Just taking it one day at a time.

[huelsingbroad]

nouthetic counseling is not psychology based, it is bible based.
it states that ALL problems dealing with life and godliness can be solved in the word of God.
it plainly gives u a course of action and action plan to change your life in a relatively short order.
y? because God knows and wants you to know how to fix it.
if ur car broke down who would know how to fix it better than the ppl who designed and built it?
gateway biblical counseling centers offer free bible-based counseling that will change your life through the power of God's holy scriptures and your marriage(if u follow the action plan) will be better than it ever was

[Dora]

Right now the goal of the day may not be much more than to just put one foot in front of the other and carry on.

That doesn't mean life will be this way forever. Just for a season.

You sound like you are doing everything you can to stay afloat of this trouble.

There's a chart in the counseling steps. I'd like to suggest you print it and think about the 10 goals you'd like to put on this chart. It will help you to see you've accomplished more than just living and breathing.

If you need help finding this let me know.

Hang in there. I'm praying for you.

[Guest]

hi pine, where do i find that chart is it in the 14 days counseling program? thanks.

[Dora]

Here you go sis, the chart is found in day 6 of the counseling.

http://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/StepSix.htm

Have you done the counseling? I've done it a few times. It's awesome. Even going back to refresh on a day here or there is wonderful. Highly recommend it.

God bless and keep you.

[Guest]

i just started the 14 day counseling program. i did this before but for some reason it didn't get to me. so am trying again for the second time. am on step 2 now and trying to focus my heart and soul when i read it. no music no tv on the background, just me and my laptop.

[mlg]

Why don't you journal in the counseling forum this time maloualdick...that is a big part of the counseling steps...the support and encouragement and thoughts from others. Maybe it didn't work last time because you needed to be more open and honest with yourself.

luv ya