Why should I stay in this marriage?

[4thefather]

Please don't give me casual sayings. I have been married for 15 years to an emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive man. We have been to counseling 6+ times. We have 3 kids, 8, 11, and 13. They are sick of his behavior as well. He has improved, but is so very self centered. Everything revolves around his wants and needs and everything that happens to him. I went through stage 3 breast cancer a few years ago and it was mostly about him. I have given him chance after chance after chance. He tells me he has changed, but it doesn't last for more than a month. His family is also not talking to me and calling me selfish because of the false things he has told them and his side only of stories and situations. He has shared intimate details of our marriage with them, anything and everything. I put my heart and soul into it and get hurt over and over. So, I have prayed and trusted God and tried everything possible. Why should I invest anymore of my life into this relationship? Don't mean to sound harsh at all but I am looking for real answers, not God hates divorce. I know He does, but He also hates abuse and selfishness.

[Mackenaw]

Hello 4thefather

Welcome to Christianity Oasis God bless you this day.

Sounds like you are very frustrated, tired and hurt. (((hugs))) Marriage is hard even when both members are truly dedicated and committed to one another, therefore, marriage is really, really hard when one or the other of the two is self-centered. God desires that two become one -- that both are 100 % committed and in unison.

God does want you happy, and He doesn't want you miserable day in and day out, nor does He condone abuse.

Have you ever separated for any length of time?

4thefather, I'm willing to listen, if you want to share.

Prayers are rising to our Lord in the name of Jesus, on your behalf. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

[bryantpatricia]

4thefather,

I have not been married quite as long as you. I have been married for alomost 5 years, and we were having problems. My husband was more concerned with his wants and needs and not really about any of mine. He would call me lazy and a few other choice words, and I seperated from him. I have been living with a friend and only see my husband a few days a week, and we spend it talking and trying to work things out. I feel that this strategy is working for us. Mabey it will work for you. I am praying for you and your family that you find a solution that works for you.

Tricia

[4thefather]

I already tried separation, tried threatening, tried counseling, tried inner healing, tried giving him chance after chance after chance. Still comes back to the same thing, selfishness and self-centeredness. Not good for me or the kids. My 11-year-old daughter keeps asking me why her dad is so mean and was he ever nice. What a thing to ask about your parent. Just not sure what to do anymore.

Cat

[Mackenaw]

Hello 4thefather,

God bless you this day.

If I were you, and felt I had tried everything I knew to turn around my marriage to no avail, I would seek God about what I truly wanted, even if the thing I wanted didn't include my husband. This may sound shocking advice coming from a Christian woman that has been happily married for 38+ years, but it is what I honestly believe.

My relationship with God is primary in my life, and He knows that in order for me to be able to do for Him, I must have a positive frame of reference, if only a glimmer, in which to move forward in Him. His glimmers of love,hope and joy moves mountains. \o/ \o/ \o/

This life will always have trials, but He will also allow us to experience His peace and His joy, even in the midst of chaos.

So, 4thefather, what do you want? Pray about it, and then seek God and ask God for what it is that you want. I know, sounds too easy, but, if we look at "what it is we WANT", and not at "what it is we DON'T WANT", it changes things.

Prayers continue to rise to The Lord in the name of Jesus, on your behalf. May God's blessed will be done.

I encourage you to read The Spirit of Truth study on this site. It helps us understand The Holy Spirit better. Here is the link: http://www.christianityoasis.com/Spirit ... tepOne.htm

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

[christianwife?]

Hi 4thefather,
I feel that you have spoken the very things that brought me here to this site tonight. I know exactly what you are going through. I've been married for 25 years and together for 30. It has gotten so bad that I feel I must separate. I have been "working on my marriage" the whole time. We went to counseling early in our marriage, but when the counselor brought out points that he may be unfair, he discontinued going and now just flat out refuses to go. I am at whits end. I love this man so much... but emotionally, spiritually, he is draining the life out of me. He has alienated himself and me from our children - 27,25,24, and 23. Well, for the moment, he is at least on speaking terms with the youngest. I am torn between being a good wife and being a good mother. He says that my loyalty should be to him no matter what, and that right or wrong, a good woman would side with their husband. I know it sounds really bad to say, but most of the problems we have were created by him. I believe he is narcissistic. Like your husband, everything is about him. What he wants, what he likes, what he says goes, he's always right, and if he does wrong, it's someone else's fault. He's constantly comparing me to his mother, and what she would do, I hate it. I ask him not to do it, but he won't stop. She was only perfect in his eyes ( I dare not tell him that though). I don't know what to do. I feel helpless, hopeless, and confused. Because I am a Christian, I know God's rules about divorce, so that's out. Before when my children were here, I kept hanging on, praying for a change. Now that we have an empty nest, It's harder and harder to find a reason to continually take this mental abuse. He is very controlling. He won't even let me display pictures of our new grandchild, because he's angry with our child. He actually threatened to throw them away if I did. I know he will, he tore up my parent's picture when he was angry with them. Sometimes, I think, well, really I know, I should have left a long time ago. I thought that it would be showing weak faith by giving up and not trusting God to change him. I'm still waiting. Please pray for me to receive clarity in direction. I too, will be praying for you!

[donlaw]

This is for both 4thefather and christianwife? -

Bless you both and you will both be in my prayers. I am in the same boat as both of you...and I found something on this site that might help you...

There is an article on Christian Divorce here...a biblical look at relationship of husband and wife. If you haven't seen it yet, you might enjoy it and find it useful to you.

You will find it under Christian Walk Studies and the URL is:

http://www.christianityoasis.com/Keywor ... ivorce.htm

I hope you both find God's peace and I will be praying for the both of you!

God bless you.