Abusive Marriage for 25 yrs.

[donlaw]

Hello, I have been married 25 yrs and a little over a month ago filed divorce. Our marriage has been abusive for much of the 25 yrs. and has been just out of control since about 20005. I am still living in the same house with him because his lawyer told him to stay, and my lawyer to me I would look unstable if I left again. Two of our 5 kids are still minors.
My husband had my car repossessed when I filed for divorce. I was a stay-at-home mom and now without a job, I cannot even look for one. He laughs at me and tells me I am crazy and I am starting to prove his point. He has threatened and followed through to not provide food, or pay the bills (he buys snack foods and small amts of stuff for the kids or feeds them outside of the home). I am feeling trapped and like a prisoner. He also has divided me from my kids. That started years before I filed for divorce and its gotten worse since I have. The older ones blame me because he has them convinced I deserve nothing because "I never contributed". And the younger ones follow in their older siblings footsteps.

I have been physically abused in the past by not only my husband but some of my children. And I have become now, depressed and close to being suicidal.

Every day, I watch my family go and spend time with my husband, to the beach or river etc. He keeps them away from the house for days at a time with excuses and then as well, they don't want to be around me anymore listening to my complaining about it.

He has me nearly convinced I was the one wrong and I deserve his and the kids wrath....I am alone and scared and there is no end in sight.

I have no where to go and no friends really, no family to turn to...I did call a hotline a few times. One of them is tied to a Christian domestic violence shelter in another state. They may offer me a spot in their shelter. But I have no money, no access to money, (even though my husband makes nearly 5K a month). He is starving me out, I cannot wait for things to be sorted out in court. Its draining me and making me so depressed.

Its all overwhelming and I sound like a pathetic baby...I am sorry...I was looking for support and I cannot stop crying and complaining.

A question...on people's opinion....My attorney says stay, not to leave for even a shelter...she doesn't live in this and it is going to be many months before even a judge will see the case. I am already on the last straw of my sanity. Others have said I need to get out and get help. Some have even said I should never have spent the only money I had on a lawyer, I should have used it to leave and not worry about getting what is fair from a divorce.

What is the right thing to do? I stayed originally and got a lawyer originally to keep the house and kids...but they don't want to be with me anyway, a judge will find that out easy enough....and I am losing my grip...and my anger has gotten the best of me a time or two in yelling about it all....I am seriously thinking of bailing out of the whole thing.

Any suggestions?

[dema]

If you haven't been open with your attorney, then tell her. Print out this letter and take it to her.

If she still says to stay, then find another attorney.

You should have grounds for a protective order. Do you have specifics as to what he has done to you? If not, then start a diary now. Take pictures. If you can make a good case for abuse, then you can get a protective order and you will keep the house and he will be forced to leave. Also you can get emergency support until the divorce based on this.

But you have to have facts - your letter is to vague to get a protective order. It is specific enough for the attorney to get an idea of what is going on.

Abuse victims frequently do not express themselves well. When asked for specifics, they ah and ummm and look down, and say, "Well." If you want a fair deal, you cannot do that. You will have to look at the attorney and tell her specifics.

I imagine that that will change everything - but if she doesn't want to pursue the protective order - find another attorney.

[Ruthk34]

What ever you do, do NOT bail out you need to be strong. You deserve to be happy. Remember you are one of God's children and he doesn't want to see you hurting. I agree with dema to tell your attorney the whole truth of your situation. Most importantly if I was in your shoe's I would get out of that house. Don't let them keep abusing you, you need to be free of them. After all a house is only an object and you are not.


I'm praying for you

[dema]

Consult your attorney before getting out. If you can file a protective order against him - he will have to leave. And the person occupying the house on the court date almost always gets to keep it.

So, don't take even a baby step without making sure you understand the legal ramification. But I agree, you should not continue to be abused. You need to act.

And something else - abuse makes you both numb and self-critical. When you get away from it, you will realize how much it does that. Been there. So, somehow you need to get a true perspective. And that is very difficult. Pray, pray, pray. Hugs.

[donlaw]

Hello and thank you for your responses. I did talk to my attorney today...let me run down a couple of things here. First off, this morning, the cell phones were off for the 2nd time in less than a month, he is very behind on the bill and we have no land line. My oldest daughter called him at work from the neighbors and soon enough for the 2nd time in less than a month, the phone was back on. He had suddenly made a payment on the past due balance. Then a short time later, I found the internet off. The cable was still on but the net was off. So I got ahold of him and asked if he shut it off, since I suspected he had knowing I spend all of my time on the net while having no car or a way to get a job. He said no he didn't so I called the cable company and found that it is past due for over $400 and need $265 to be turned back on... and a short time later it was back on without a word from him. He obviously paid the $265. So after a frustrating and tearful morning, I was able to get to this site.

The abuse has been mutual between us if the truth be told....but in the past, he has hit me, choked me, kicked me and broken and smashed my personal possessions. He has threatened to leave me many, many times and that I am crazy and I would not keep the kids....in turn, I have hit him back as well and ranted and raged in fights and thrown things too, but not broken his personal possessions.

Now, as I read back through old letters I had emailed him, I see that I had asked for and given him forgiveness and I have tried to be Christlike and pray for him as well. But with things the way they have always been not changing, I too fell back into reacting the same towards him.

He has NOT physically abused me like that lately accept about a month or so ago, when we were alone, he was walking toward me in the hall and gave me a strong shot with his shoulder knocking me back a bit. We had some nasty words and he left me alone after that. That is when I finally filed for divorce upon receiving some money I had coming.

Now that angered him and he had my car repossessed. He said that if I didn't give him the money I had, he would no longer pay for the car and he followed through on that. He also vowed not to pay any bills. He makes good money and he can pay them, he chooses not to.

He hired an attorney and that attorney has told him to give me nothing until a judge orders him to so he still lives here, doesn't support me in any way and is keeping the car from me and offering it to one of our older kids. And every day is a battle. I am separated from my kids because the oldest ones do believe that I should have worked and paid the bills with my husband. But they are not realizing that I did do that and it was still the same for me. I didn't make the same money as he did so he never felt I did my share.

Anyway, no ones in authority says that the past abuse is pertinent to right now, though it will be later. And I made a fool of myself recently and yelled when I was at the end of my rope and shoved him, he called the police on me and they almost arrested me for domestic violence....he finally declined charges and said he wanted documentation for court....so it is bad.

My attorney today said that since the court has not yet issued any orders at all in the case and with the situation as it is, by the end of business tomorrow she will draft a request for emergency orders of support. I cannot get him out or a protection order if he is not currently hitting me.

But when he gets ordered by the court to part with some of his money, he will be mad and who knows what he will do or what my older kids will do....

This is crazy. To go from trying to seek God to fallling into satans plans and back to trying to seek God is just wearing me out. I know I have let this become what it has and that I have contributed myself to this situation. But it is hard to see my way out of it all right now.

I am praying, I am in the Word and I am on this website. I have pledged to start to pray for my husband like I once did and to have a heart of forgiveness towards him because that is what Christ would have me do. I cannot be forgiven if I do not forgive. But I do not think that I am duty bound to stay married to this man, as much as I remembered after reading the old letters that I did love him very much, I know it is NOT God's will for a family to live like this.

I am strengthened right now to be able to be on this website, I tell you when I thought I was without internet for good earlier today I was crushed. I will continue in the Word and on the steps and if I need to, I will leave this house immediately at any time it becomes necessary.

I regret in a way that I filed because as bad as things were before, they were not this bad with his wrath upon me for the filing. And he is determined to see me utterly destroyed now. But I had to stand up for myself and I have to find a life for myself away from such hatred...so I will follow through on this divorce.

Thank you again for your responses and if you are interested in reading those old letters, I posted 2 of them in the Til Death Do Us Part forum...what a difference time made in the wrong direction from when I wrote those, but I hope those letters can help someone else from getting to the point I am at now.

God Bless you