Having a tough time

[msw505]

I love my wife to death and I couldn't imagine or want to be with anyone else.

The hard part though is that we go weeks and sometimes month without making love. When we do it is awesome and the most spectacular because it is true. I don't know how I could actually enjoy it with anyone else nor do I want to.

She will act as though she wants to but then when there is a chance she doesn't. I am "teased" and "teased" but then nothing.

Tonight she basically said she was excited to make love but then fell asleep after putting my son back to bed. I started to read a book waiting for her. Then basically knowing she must've gone to sleep, hoping in my mind she is sitting in the rocking chair, to find that she got in bed and went to sleep. I was so hurt I just grabbed my pajamas and came down stairs. I'm about to start crying. This is a rough thing for women to understand. It's like this all the time. It's been 2 weeks at this point and there have been several instances of this leading on to the point that it is incredibly depressing, discouraging. It feels as though she is saying I don't care about your feelings or needs.

So many nights I lay in bed feeling so rejected that it makes me so anxious that I can't go to sleep. I have also begun to grow angry about it and I hate it.

We have had many discussions but it basically comes down to how she feels and what she wants, which is seemingly the end matter.

I won't leave her or go find someone else regardless because I know that God put us together supernaturally and I believe that is how it is. I love her to death and always will but I need something in my love tank... I have been running on fumes for a long time.

I feel so silly writing in a forum so please be nice. I need some help and prayer.

[Ruthk34]

A few suggetions. 1.Try helping her put your son to bed so you can stay close to each other, it may help her so she isn't so tired after putting him to bed and keeps her mind on what comes after he is to bed. 2. If your son is old enough perhaps he can spend a night at a friends or relatives house so the two of you can have time to spend together without distractions. My kids go to spend the afternoon on Sunday with their grandma so my husband and I can have quality time together even if it's not in the bedroom but we are free to choose how to spend this time together even if we just go out to eat alone. it's bonding time. 3. You can pay her compliments during the day share a hug or light touches throughout the day as well to help lift her mood. Maybe surprise her with flowers or just little notes saying I love you somewhere for her to find. A little romance can go a long way. I've been trying to drop hints to my husband on the subject too. He's working on it.

You are not alone. I was on the other side of this sinario and my husband and I talked about it and we spend more one on one time now.

Hope this is of some help to you.
My prayers are with you.

[dema]

You might read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."

I agree that you shouldn't expect her to still be in the mood after putting your child to bed alone. Women like to be seduced. Scheduling or talking about doing it in a while is a real problem for some women. She is probably doing what she feels at the time, not trying to tease you, but when she gets on a different track, then she loses interest. She may be thinking about how little sleep she will get or about the mess......

So, basically, i think that Ruth gave you priceless advice - figure out how you can set the scene so that you can finish a seduction instead of expecting your wife to stay in the mood through mothering duties.

And no, I don't think you can convince her of your needs. I understand. And as a woman, I have tried to explain those needs to other women. And generally, they just don't get it. They cannot enjoy it if they aren't in the mood and end up feeling used or worse.

I am curious - why were you waiting in a chair for her to call you? That seems very counter intuitive to me. It seems like if you weren't going to help her, that you would have been in the bedroom waiting. She may have been in there hoping for you to show up for several minutes prior to falling asleep. You really can't expect her to call, "Come and Get It" which may be how she felt it would be if she went to fetch you.

Just thoughts. Not trying to be unkind - but men and women do think quite differently.

[dema]

I woke up this morning thinking about a joke that has been sent to me numerous times (by women).

Mike complained that Sue was always too tired for sex. She had asked him many times to help her with dinner and getting the kids to bed - but he said that he had worked hard all day and that it was his due after bringing home the bacon to get a little relaxation. But one day he came home and told her to put her feet up and he was going to do everything. He brought in carryout, but he set the table and wiped the chins and cleaned up the dishes. he helped them pick up all their toys.Then he bathed the kids, Sue got up to help him but he had her sit back down, and then he read them stories and got them into bed. In the meantime, Sue had bathed, powdered and put on something sexy. But Mike failed to appear. And failed to appear. She found him asleep with the kids in bed and so she tiptoed out and went to bed herself, chuckling.

The story has various versions.

If two people are both working on the bedtime procedure, it only takes half as long. Everything will be done at least 45 minutes sooner. And there will be comraderie instead of a master and servant feel to it all.

Another related thought is The Love Dare.

You sitting in a chair and then being oblivious to what that means indicates a perspective that is probably a lot wider than that.

Oh, and as far as whether you SHOULD help or not. Well, that doesn't really enter into it. It isn't about shoulds and oughttas. It is about results. Or is it? YOu have to decide what is most important to you.

[FineFreshFierceWoman]

Another book maybe to read is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. its a great little book on understanding how a person feels loved. it might give you some insight in to both you and your wife's love language.

[msw505]

I appreciate all the advice and time.

To answer each of your posts:
Usually she is putting him, my youngest son, to bed on her own because she is breastfeeding him to bed and he isn't that great of a sleeper right now. It has been our routine. The kids, we have 3, watch a certain cartoon and then we all go and brush our teeth, pray in my sons room and then go to bed to read a book. Normally while the kids are watching their cartoon my wife is putting my baby boy to sleep. I usually am the one that ends up watching/helping them brush their teeth and get their pajamas on. Normally by then my wife is done putting our baby to bed. I then read my oldest son a book and she reads our daughter a book or visa versa.

The night in question that I posted about, it happened that the kids were in bed already and were snuggling on the couch watching t.v. when our baby woke up. She said she would try and go pat his bottom back to sleep. That is when I was waiting for her to come back down. So I wasn't waiting for her to ring a bell and step out in a nighty. I have gotten to the point that I don't really expect anything, hope but that's all. In this case I had given up but she told me to not even kiss her cause she only had "so much and didn't want to waste it down here." I don't know how that reads but it was very clear with a wink, .

As far as dates go, my wife refuses to let anyone watch our kids except our family who unfortunately don't live anywhere close, i.e. Texas, California and Virginia while we are in Colorado. We literally have 1 or 2 dates a year and not more yet not for lack of trying. I can't just get a babysitter because she won't allow herself to enjoy it because she'll worry. I have gotten flowers but she doesn't want flowers she wants plants. We have so many plants in this house I can't imagine getting more.

I try and give her light touches, play with and brush her hair, give her foot rubs and back massages. I leave notes for her from time to time.

Funny enough, we have gone through a Love Languages seminar with that book twice and she is quite aware of my love language, physical touch in many dialects, then quality time, acts of service and words of affirmation and hers being a mix of acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time and receiving gifts. With the amount of alone time we have the greatest amount of time we are playing board games, cuddling watching t.v. I try to help around the house but during the week I am a zomby most of the time working at night. I don't think it's possible to get used to it like people say. Hopefully it's not for much longer.

I don't know. I am so lost....

[dema]

When children are little, they are relentless. It just never stops. And your wife is probably tired also. It is difficult - but it is life. And it doesn't last forever. You said that you had talked about it - is she just tired? If she is, then that will get better. This is probably the worst time - unless you plan to have more children.

It sounds to me like you are both just tired. And like she won't accept the kind of help your marriage really needs.

You may be able to figure out some ways to make sex more likely - for example if you could have been in the bed first on the night in question - the odds definitely would have been higher.



God bless.

[Ruthk34]

I completley understand what you are going through. I remember how it was when my kids were small. Although I was lucky enough to have some help from family. But I too hesitayted when they were babies to let someone else watch them.

Try to remember that it will pass and pray for patience as well. We all go through the dry spells but it Will Pass.


Have you ever tried to get up early before the kids wake up to have your time together? You would hopefully be more rested then and would be before anything else intrudes. As a woman 'In those days' when the kids are small, the mornings were the best time for intimacy and makes for a happy start of the day also.