New here....question of abuse?

[truetessa]

Hi everyone. I have been married for 3 years and my husband and I had a great marriage starting out. A little background, we both have been married before and I have a daughter who is handicapped, from my first marriage. DH has 2 children from his 1st marriage, and they are all grade school aged.

Our problem is that in the past 3 years, he has had his parents come from out of town to visit 6 times for a week and a half each time. I have requested that the visits be kept shorter, ie a long weekend, and last time he told me that was going to be, but then when they came they were here for the same length, 1 and 1/2 weeks.

This may not have been so bad, but his mother is what I have considered to be cruel, if not out to get our marriage. She has told me when dh is not around that I have ruined his life for marrying him with the situation with my daughter. She insults my cooking and attempts to take care of them. Only acknowledges her grandkids (biological) and says to the 3 kids "you 2 kids are so cute". My husband has talked to her before the last trip and it still continues. I told him that it is best if he takes his children to visit them, but has said ok, but then they can come at the end of the year, right? I don't think he understands how painful these visits have become, and I have considered staying with my mother during the visits if they continue.

I would have loved for our families to "blend", but this is not the case. I just want peace in our home. What rights do I have? It is destroying our marriage and my trust in him wavers due to the fact that this is allowed to continue.

Thanks for any suggestions.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Truetessa

God bless you this day. And, welcome to Christianity Oasis.

I'm sorry for your pain concerning your in laws, and in particular, concerning your mother-in-law. I know that pain, and it does hurt, doesn't it? OUCH!!! (((hugs)))

Something that might help is to see the pattern. Your mother-in-law feels threatened by anyone that lays claim on something she believes is hers. Unfortunately, this is a pattern seen in many mother-in-laws.

Your mother-in-law, while she may love your husband, her son, very much, she does not respect him nor his decision to marry you. No reflection on your husband, just a reflection on her -- and a sad reflection at that. Sad for all those that must deal with that type of behavior.

Continue to love and respect your husband. God desires that you respect and show respect to your husband -- His word tells wives to show respect to their husbands (Ephesians 5:33).

Two women, you and his mother, love him. Only, one, however, respects him. Now, sit back and watch God work.

When they visit, take lots of breaks...go outside, take deep cleansing breaths, pray, and know that God will give you peace. Nothing dampens a spirit, with the intent of hurting another, more than when the "another"/recipient chooses to not receive it.

You recognize the evil that is having it's way with your mother-in-law. God has allowed you to see it and recognize it. Don't, however, be angry with those that have not been given the eyes to see it. God allowed you to see it for a reason. Serve Him.

Romans 12:20-21 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. (21) Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

I'm sending up prayers to our Lord in the name of Jesus, on your behalf. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

[TrueAndMagneticNorth]

Hi truetessa,

Great post by mackenaw. I haven't got a lot more to add, so will keep this short.

I'm not sure if you have done as such as yet, but I suggest you confront (not in an aggressive way, of course, but rather in a straight-forward way) your mother-in-law. Proverbs 15:1, moreover, says, 'A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.'

It sounds to me that she is very unreasonable and selfish in her behaviour. As Mackenaw says, this is on her, not you. I have a tentative suggestion for you which, I must admit comes from my experience as a school-teacher rather than from the bible, and is of course therefore in no way definitive.

However, my suggestion is this: Simply tell her, yourself, what effect her negative attitude and comments are having on you. Tell her how it demeans your daughter. Tell her how you hoped your families would blend. I would say let it all out, in a loving way of course.

It is also a good idea to inform your husband beforehand, before you would do such a thing, if you would decide to do it.

I know, it's easy to say from my perspective. Maybe my advice is not practical to this particular situation, as I only know about it from your post.

Of course, continual prayer is vital. You will also no doubt receive prayers from people from this online community, including myself.

Hope it all works out. God bless.

[dantyriverside]

First of all let me say my heart goes out to you and I too felt your pain of an agressive mother-in-law. My 1st husband's mother made a point to criticize every aspect of my life from my cooking, my weight, my housekeeping, my parenting even when my husband died she sat at the funeral home and told everyone it was my fault and made sure that I over heard her. Some people are just like that. But remember that above all else you are createing a HOME for YOUR FAMILY not hers. Dont let this woman run you out of your home. Ask God for the strenght to stand tall to her bullying. Continue to tell your husband of her abuse. The Bible says that husband and wife are as one (paraphrazing) so united you can stand up to her but remember this not a house this is a Home. Your Home she is your guest. Trust in the love that brought you and your husband together and do not let this woman destroy the family that you are trying to build. You might also consider talking to her husband (it helped with me he was able to reign her in some) granted she wasnt a happy camper but hey better her than me right. Above all Trust in God and pray that he will bring you through this. I will keep you in my prayers.

Loves danty

[truetessa]

Thank you all so much for your wonderful input and advice. Reading your notes have given me new ideas and peace. What had made things the MOST painful was that I asked dh not to say anything, the first time I mentioned it to him, and he went (without me knowing) and told her not to do those things, and to not call me. ??? Huh??? i never asked him to do that. But then he would continue to call and chat, asking them if we should have more kids, personal stuff, financial things, and have them over for these visits.I felt like it was him and his parents on one side and me on the other. I would feel comfortable confronting her if I felt that my husband was on my side.

After searching online for Christian articles on the topic, I found a wonderful article yesterday about how it is so important to be unified in this, my husband and I.

Here is a quote from the article......"The Bible tells us that a man and woman leave their parents and cleave to one another becoming one (Genesis 2:24) and thereby creating a new family. This New family is not an extension of the parental family, rather, it is a new unit. " It went on to say that the husband and wife need to "Set boundaries and agree upon them", and there may need to be consequences if things continue in the negative direction, i.e. time apart from parents to protect the marriage. However, I explained to my husband that it should be time apart from the two of us...as a couple, not just from me. We need to be a united front. When he read the part about being a new family unit, things clicked for him, for the first time. My prayer is that God will work on my husbands heart and our marriage.

God bless all of you and I welcome any more suggestions that anyone reading this may have.

truetessa

[xxJILLxx]

Hello truetessa,


Just wanted to type to ya and let you know I am praying for you and your household. You got a bunch of great replies !

God's will be done. Welcome to Oasis sis.

♥Jill

[dantyriverside]

truetessa I wanted to check in and let you know I was thinking about you and wanted to know how things were going? I hope the article worked. That is what the Bible says that the housband and wife become one. I hope yall are united together. Again please dont let this woman make you leave your home.


loves danty

[truetessa]

Thank you again ladies. Things are going pretty well for us right now and my husband says he reads the article every week as a devotional! Can you believe that? So he is making an effort and that is more than what I ever expected. God is good! Your support is really appreciated.