How long do I try?

[Bob]

Hello, I am new here I just signed up tonight. My wife and I are separated ( my choice ) we have been fighting the same issues for years. And just had another argument on the phone, so I couldn't sleep and I found this forum. We have been together for about 7 1/2 years married for 6 and actually met in another Christian chat room. I am originally from KY and she is from PA. second marriage for both of us. After talking via computer for many weeks we met and started dating and after many 500 mile trips to PA. she moved to KY. and we got married. Her father and mother were in PA. both with several medical problems, and we decided to move them in with us so that we could take care of them. I was retired and she had a job at the local hospital as a medicare billing clerk, so I stayed home and looked after her parents (her father had several heart problems and her mother had alzhiemer's). After 3 years in KY her father was very homesick for Pa. So we found a house close to where they had lived and moved to Pa. with them, they were getting older and I wanted them to be happy for whatever time they had left, we moved to PA. in Sept. 2008 and her mother died on Nov. 23 that same year. That is our history now for the issues, My wife is very controlling and very demanding and very negative, I tried very hard to please her, I did most of the laundry and almost all of the cooking and cleaning, I got up with her at 6:00 am in the morning fixed her coffee carried it to her, then did her lunch for the day. But it didn't seem to matter what or how much I did it was never enough. I became very depressed. I tried several times to talk to her about this and some times she would say that she knew she was like that and she was sorry and would promise things would be better, but it never got any better. I purchased "The Love Dare" work book after seeing the movie and went through the entire program, still no better. We went to 2 different Pastors in KY. for counseling but after only a couple of sessions she decided that they didn't know what they were doing. we went to a marriage counselor who told her that it was very clear that I was trying and that she could possibly try showing more appreciation for the things that I did and be more affectionate to me, this actually worked, for one day, we never made it another session. Then tonight on the phone when I once again tried to explain how I felt when she treated me this way, she told me that if I had really tried maybe she wouldn't be like this, and she was very angry with me for leaving her with all the extra work to do (cooking and taking care of her father and the house). Now I know that it takes two and that no one is perfect (except JESUS), but how long am I to try? Everything I did and everything I said seemed to me to be wrong.I pray about this everyday, I pray for understanding and I pray for JESUS to help me be more like HIM. I don't know if this marriage can be saved.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hi Bob,
First let me welcome you to the oasis, look around it is an awesome place filled with much knowledge and love
please look into the counseling pages here and do as you feel led to
Now as for this marriage problem, you are in the right place first the counseling pages but also friends who will not judge but love you as it should be, now I'm not saying someone here might not have a stern word for another or even be misunderstood but for the most part nothing but love and understanding.
When you spoke of these things you had done I heard SOOO much of myself in my marriage that ended 2 years ago but when I am honest with myself I was as much at fault if not more then she was, REMEMBER this IS my marriage we are talking about and I am not refuring it to yours, only trying to give insight.
You do not deserve to be abused.....yes I said abused, there is more than just physical abuse, I know most men don't see this as abuse or think it is possible for a woman to abuse a man YES it is, and just as no woman should EVER put up with it from a man neither should a man put up with it from a woman, a marriage is a partnership and should be treated as such NOT as a slave trade to manage the housework and take care of elderly inlaws only to be critisized daily for what is not done right, this is not marriage that is blessed, from the outside looking in, if she is happy with the arrangement and understands you are her rock that takes care of the home life and her parents and from the sounds of it spoils her when possible and you understand she is the "breadwinner" so to speak and usually that also comes with a need for some control (just an fyi this was the case with my marriage) I didn't mind, it could be an awesome arrangement due to it sounding as if you like doing this, or as I felt needed by this (important)
You see I felt the need to take care of my family however that was needed, and just like it sounds like you are good at that part so was I, even when I went back to work I still took on certain responsablilties around the house, but the only thing is I think she subconciously wanted me to be in charge but at the same time didn't want to be dependant on me totally.
I was married for 14 years (still am by law) but after we separated I tried everything from 2 pastors to counseling to praying daily for the healing of our marriage, but unfortunately it was not what God wanted for either of us and neither did she, so we have remained friends but it is over for our marriage, I guess my biggest point of bringing all my marriage stuff up...it didn't matter how much I did or how much I spoiled her it just wasn't there or meant to be and I struggled several times in blowups we had over the years to hold onto our marriage thinking I was doing right when all I was doing was prolonging what was meant to be, AND PLEASE UNDERSTAND I AM IN NO WAY SAYING GOD AGREED WITH OUR MARRIAGE NOT WORKING but I am sure now He saw it was not a spiritual coupling as it is meant to be, and I am sure if I had changed certain ways and she had changed certain ways we would have been blessed with a Godly marriage but we didn't so I believe that God didn't want it to continue as it was.
Bob NO ONE but NO ONE knows other than God "how long to try" so although you may get answers like mine or totally the opposite only take those with a grain of salt...the only one to listen to is God, if He is not giving you an answer do as I did and continue to try until He DOES give you the answer, He will I promise ( I just one day realized ok that's enough it's over) almost a sense of peace over my doubtfulness about "what to do", it is STILL not as I would want it to turn out but I am not the decider here.......God first, her second and me last, so this is how it is.
I pray she will see that she is not being fair with you and realize God has given her a good man to stand beside her not under her feet.
God bless
Sorry if I said anything offending, I didn't mean to, only wish the best to come from this.
Cuc

[Bob]

Thank you very much for the reply, and I agree with you, I have felt for some time that it was over. I don't like it because I know what it could and should be, if just a couple of things could have changed I believe that we would have been able to work things out. I had been playing my guitar and singing in the church were we attended and the pastor told me that he had prayed about me taking on the worship leader position, I had been putting off taking the position because of the turmoil in my marriage and didn't feel right about taking any kind of leadership position until I had my life straightened out. This is one of the things that bothers me the most, not being able to attend this particular church and serving the way I want and know that I should. I have talked to my pastor about the problems on more than one occasion and he knew the situation, I called him on the day I was leaving and we had prayer over the phone, he said he understood and that his prayer was for GOD to keep me and guide in whatever I needed to do. So I keep praying and keep listening, as of now I feel like I have done everything I can, and the decisions that I have made have been made with the guidance of the Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit.
Once again thank you for the comments, I just need to talk with Godly people, while trying to find a local church.
Bob

[1st Timothy 4:12]

Love is an amazing thing. But the question is, do you love God and give time to Him? If not, you will never experience true love. It is not my right to say that you should seperate by law, it is the Lord's. That part is between you and God. But I can give advice to help you save the marriage.
Pray! Pray! Pray! Prayer is so powerful, and Jesus wants us to be in a constant state of prayer. This doesn't mean say "Amen" or "Father God, Lord in heaven". It means thanking Him, asking Him for help, etc. I know this becuase that is what I do. He speaks to me. If I am upset, He will say things (too fast for me to say in my head, but slow enough for me to understand) "You have pretty eyes" or "I love you". And I would have never thought about it.
Keep your eyes on your true love, JESUS! That is the key in everything.
Also remember to hold back a little on the cleaning. God has the perfect woman in mind for you. You will meet her, or perhaps you already have. But it works both ways. She needs to step it up a bit. Tell her that. (Is she Christian, if not preach!)If she can't (or won't) it might be best to break up with her.
Remind her of why you two married. Remind her of your love for her. If you didn't love her, you would not have posted this. PM me if you need anything.
Your sister in Christ,
Kaylee

[Dora]

Brother Bob! I don't have much advice for you but I wanted you to know I care and I'm sending up a prayer for you.

At one point in my marriage I had given up. Well a few points but this one particular time a pastor asked me to give it just 4 years. During this 4 years to pray for my spouse and do everything I could to be the wife God has asked of me. I chose to give it a go. After all it's a huge decision. That was oh I don't know about 15 years ago. Still married and today he is everything I could ever ask for in a spouse. I never believed things could be this good between two people. During the time I prayed daily from a book The Power of a Praying Wife. They have one for husbands as well. I don't know if this is applicable advice to you. It just sounds to me she may have many underling issues that she probably isn't aware of. I wonder if she's not forgiven you for something. It's causing her to see every little error you make even ones she thinks is an error but really they aren't, they are just difference between the two of you. My spouse and I are as different as day and night. I've come to realize he thinks I think he's wrong because he doesn't do thing my way. We're neither one wrong. Just different. His way is right for him, mine is right for me. It causes us to clash. But that's when love steps in. I can enjoy watching him do things his way and knowing he's not doing things that way because he thinks I'm wrong, he's doing things that way cause he's created to do things that way. Maybe one day we'll agree. Maybe not. Well I got off on a rabbit trail.

We are fragile people. And when we have a thorn that is stuck and constantly eating at us we tend to get crabby. Cause we're hurting. I wonder if she's got a few thorns perhaps they have names. Perhaps the names are unforgiveness, feeling hopeless, feeling like life is in a rut, fear of the pressure of being the bread winner after all women were not created to be away from home such long hours doing work for others. Deep inside when things are set right women flourish in a home environment where they can nurture as we are born nurturers unless the pains of life set us out of balance. Then we loose that desire to nurture and provide warmth for our loved ones. Though it sounds like it's unrealistic but perhaps deep with in she is longing to do what you are doing to stay at home and tend to her parents, to cook, clean, and create a warm home. Perhaps she is longing for you to rescue her from the stress and anxieties of this world. Perhaps she is longing to be cherished by you. Though I'm certain she doesn't show it cause that would show vulnerability. And right now you're her enemy so she won't be vulnerable to you. How can you show her you are on her side? There's so much that could be happening in her mind that could be causing her to have issues. Perhaps she is geared toward arguing. A person who's raised that way or lived that way tend to lean toward causing strife when deep inside they long for peace but don't know how to even begin to receive it. Perhaps she feels like she's failing and so she wants you to feel like a failure so she can at least be above someone. Ouch...what a nasty way to boost someones self esteem. But people do it. Just some thoughts on what might be happening. I hope and pray Gods will is done. I'm sorry you are hurting. I pray He reveals the path you should choose soon. I pray for a glimpse of hope with in this marriage if that is His will for you to continue trying. I pray she feels she can talk openly to you about the issue. I pray you can hear what she is saying with out taking it personal as she tries to get out what is bothering her. I pray forgiveness rests on her mind and heart and yours as well. I pray you both find peace. Above all I pray you know God loves you so very much. And He will never leave you nor forsake you. Keep singing.

Oh hey. One more thing. When you do something for her or your dad in law or around the house, don't do it for them. Do it for God. That way you will feel appreciated and not need their validation in your work. Cause God appreciates everything you do for Him.

Giving up your home and moving for her parents shows how caring a person you are. I was thrilled to hear you did that!

[Bob]

I just got off of the phone with my wife, we agreed to keep trying and put GOD first and foremost in this and all situations, so many of the things that you touched on are dead on correct. She has many issues from her past that I believe she has not accepted forgiveness for. She was married to a pastor for a little over 20 years, and I know that pastors are "people" also and make mistakes, and from what I understand he was very overbearing and controlling, when she left him she went into the "word" wide open. She has asked for forgiveness for this many times, but she feels that she turned her back on GOD and because of this she has had a really hard time accepting HIS forgiveness she knows in her mind what the word says but she just can't get it in her heart. I have repeatedly reminded her of "the woman at the well" story, I still love my wife very much.
She was also raised in a home where negativity was the order of the day 24/7 her Dad is still like that. When we would go out somewhere she would seem to be a little different, but as soon as we walked in our door it was if someone flipped a switch. I understand the problem with this and where it comes from, but I just haven't been able to discuss this with her without her getting upset with me. But today I feel as if we have had a breakthrough, because before we hung up the phone we had prayer and she asked GOD for help with many of the issues we have been dealing with, I am hopeful that with Time, understanding, and GOD'S guidance we can have have the marriage the HE intended.

Thank everyone for the comments, advice and prayers.
In HIS grace
Bob

[Christnundrconstruxn]

YYAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!

Bob I pray that you both will work out what ever you have that is not allowing God to be first in this marriage.
I pray she will see what I and others here feel, marriage is a parntership and should ALWAYS be treated as such
I pray the verbal abuse stops and you both are happier than you ever have been
May God pour His blessing down upon you and your marriage
Cuc

[Dora]

I understand the problem with this and where it comes from, but I just haven't been able to discuss this with her without her getting upset with me.

I think I can relate. From her side of view....when my spouse tries to talk to me about one of my issues it's like pouring peroxide on an open wound. I come up fighting. It's defense to protect a broken spot. Perhaps she to is not ready to have someone even notice she's broken in this area let alone some try to help her heal it. I encourage you to just pray for her and watch in expectancy that one day she will begin to work on this area.

But today I feel as if we have had a breakthrough, because before we hung up the phone we had prayer and she asked GOD for help with many of the issues we have been dealing with, I am hopeful that with Time, understanding, and GOD'S guidance we can have have the marriage the HE intended.

Praise God! I will be praying God heals this marriage.

[Bob]

A big thank you to all.
We had a good conversation, last night. I don't know when we will living together again, but I do know that we will and we are both working on that.
once again thank you and most of all Thank GOD for HIS wisdom, guidance, grace and most of all for taking our sins to the cross even when we didn't deserve it.

Bob

[mlg]

Hello Bob,

Welcome to the Oasis. I couldn't help but think of this song when I read your typed words. I pray it will bless you as it does me and bring some perspective to everything you do for your family and your wife...all for the glory of God.

Prayers for you and your family.

Take care and God Bless