my MCFC blog

[goldieluvs]

I think i started this once before and stopped. This time i am going to prayerfully finish. Step 1 I believe I am called. I KNOW I am called. Having been here at Oasis for awhile I have learned so much about God.

I wanna learn more how to serve Him. I wanna learn exactly what my calling is. I work in mental health field and most of the time I LOVE what i do. Its not the money cuz well, it's obviously not the most glamorous of jobs or the highest paying. I see alot of suffering people. I can relate cuz I was suffering for a very long time. Not that i don't have doubts or still have symptoms. See i started a coping with mental illness forum here and shortly afterwards, i have experienced an increase in symptoms. Sometimes it scares me as i am afraid to go back to how i used to be, Plus i struggle with whether it is righteous or not, as in whether it is spiritual warfare (which i readily admit still confuses me some) or if it is truly body chemistry or maybe a combination. Still working on figuring that one out.

I have learned and seen though that people taking medications helps tremendously. I also know that I didn't start getting better until i had dealt with past traumas, truly put them behind me. Took years to do so. And in the end God was the answer.

Through the Grace and Love of Jesus though, I was able to see that i was wrong in harboring resentments and was able to let them go. Although there is one area that still grieves me which is the death of my furbaby Goldie because it was my fault that she died. I still take meds cuz i am afraid of going off of them. Anyways back to the reason i restarted this program was to help clear in my mind whether i was following the path God wants me to follow. I LOVE God He saved me from myself. I wanna do what is right and righteous, not that i won't ever make mistakes, but am striving to let Him shine through me. Letting go of self so to speak.

I am learning though that if i am confused as a dear sister has pointed out to me then it is NOT of God. Because God doesn't bring confusion.
I MUST increase my faith. I have to admit i still have some confusion about my vocation although i LOVE what i do.

I try to model Jesus, I don't always succeed. I can talk about my beliefs with coworkers and with some clients but only if they bring it up at which point I share what i believe and encourage them to read for theirselves. Which i should do more of the encouraging to read for theirselves and to pray about it. Mainly i just speak about what the Bible says to best of my understanding.

Many times i fail in modeling Jesus like listening to gossip although i don't share it. As i give my word on it. A persons word is their bond. Don't say you will do it if you can't or won't Or getting angry and what i do when that happens if i am not prepared to deal with a person at that time, i let it go to voice mail and when i am calm i call them back.

Ok those are my thoughts for Step 1. See ya'll tomorrow as i study Step 2 and will be working on increasing my Faith. Learning to listen to God. I also struggle with that one as well. Maybe i will learn more about that as i work through this study.

[mlg]

Goldie, it's so delightful to see you beginning this study. You have come a long way in your own walk, from the time you came here to the Oasis. Now it's time to allow God to strengthen your walk more...in showing you what He wants you to do through Him. Being God's vessel is sometimes challenging, because you will face attacks from the enemy. Anytime you say, Lord Here I Am, Send Me....well the enemy is going to say...oh not so fast, I can't allow that...and he will be headed your way....just don't allow the attack to make you loose site of the calling...expect the attack, you can't avoid it...and then choose to be in it to win.

Now, something else I would suggest you work on is, forgiving yourself for the death of your furbaby...maybe it was your fault, but...that is in the past, no reason to continue carrying it with you, as it isn't going to help you now, if your still holding a grudge against yourself for it....let it go sis...lay it at God's feet. This might be part of the reason you are having such trouble listening to God...this might be a bit of a hinderance.

Now, about the mental illness field you are in. I don't believe that we end up where we are by chance. I think God led you to that field because He needs Christian workers there, that He can use. I know right now you don't understand it all, and yes your own illness is surfacing a little bit greater, but that might be caused by some of the confusion you've been up against. Take some time to be still sis, pray and meditate on your calling and who you are now with God. This should help bring some peace to your thoughts.

Goldie, I think you've taken the right step to start this program again. Maybe you weren't ready the first time you tried the program...but now you definitely are. Be whatever God leads you to be.

luv ya sis

[comfy]

Hi, Goldie > you said, "I believe I am called." You seem to be doing a good thing. Part of the priesthood of Jesus is we do what He did > "For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin." (Hebrews 4:15) Like this, we all are called to go through things of everyday life so we can then feel for others and help them with how God has gotten us through it all.

And we have, "He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2) So, from our own failures and problems we can feel for and understand other people's sin problems and have compassion. We all are called to this priesthood.

And we have, "nor as being lords over those entrusted to you,
but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

Peter wrote this to leaders in Jesus Christ's church > they are to be our "examples" > not lording it over us, but leading us by good example. And so, since they are our example, this is how we also need to relate with other people . . . to lead them by example, not to lord it over any person. For me, not lording over includes not trying to *use* any person, but always first caring about every one. This effects how I develop emotionally.

We are all called to this loving.



You shared, "See i started a coping with mental illness forum here and shortly afterwards, i have experienced an increase in symptoms. Sometimes it scares me as i am afraid to go back to how i used to be," oh yes. . . I have been scared of how I could go back to the worry and that pain and self-consciousness. And during my junior high years I was involved in different kinds of abuse > it was stopped, but I never realized how wrong it was, I just stopped and forgot about it, because I was told to stop. But then, recently, it managed to get brought up, again, and with ones freaking out about it. So, I'm wondering what's the major concern? So, in prayer I learned about how using and hurting people is betraying trust, an act against love. And *using* someone for what I want > using is not loving. But, of course, ones not into bullying and abuse can also betray and just use people. Now, I can see, I have been involved in selfish stuff witch is just more socially acceptable. So, when I started taking a look at how I now can be perverted from *love*, that other stuff starts acting up to take me down > because exposing how my past stuff had been wrong was also exposing how now my selfish but socially acceptable stuff is also perverted and even cruel in ways ones might not realize.

I think of how the Bible says that when the law came, sin was aroused to act up in rebellion . . . as I understand Romans 7:7-12. So, Goldie, I can see that when you started dealing with your "symptoms" and how to see them, this could aggravate them to rebel against being exposed . . . like how bringing the law of God can get people upset and nasty reacting against being exposed for who they are

So, I can see that when you make a point of looking at what is wrong, that stuff can act up in rebellion, because it doesn't want to go away. It doesn't like being exposed for what it is. I had stopped my wrong stuff, for decades, but then issues came up about that > I didn't appreciate how wrong I had been, and then stuff would try to act up > meaning I still have the sin character that *could* make me available to Satan for who knows what > and this needs to be *cured* and gotten rid of, totally, not just to be quieted down and "forgotten". Because it can find other ways, more socially acceptable, to act out. So, when issues were made about my past behavior, it got riled; and as I learned what was so wrong with what I did, I also saw how now my selfish ways of loving are wrong, too, though worldly people might accept my ways of loving selfishly . . . like they do.

"Plus i struggle with whether it is righteous or not, as in whether it is spiritual warfare (which i readily admit still confuses me some) or if it is truly body chemistry or maybe a combination. Still working on figuring that one out."

I believe, in my case, there is a simple thing > if something in me degrades my attention from God and His peace, then this is a spiritual attack. Or it wouldn't be able to reach deeply to my spirit, if it were just chemical and organic and medical. So, I confess this as meaning I am still available to Satan's messing with me.

However, there can indeed be physical symptoms. But if these are coming from deeper spiritual stuff, then dealing with the deeper spiritual problem can have a tailgaiting effect of the physical symptoms leaving along with the nasty deeper stuff. So . . . Jesus says, "'But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.'" (Matthew 6:33) So, I seek first the kingdom of God ruling me with His peace and having me love and care about all people and be encouraged in this, and see what happens to my physical problems by the time I am in this perfectly beautifully wonderful peace.

"I have learned and seen though that people taking medications helps tremendously. I also know that I didn't start getting better until i had dealt with past traumas, truly put them behind me. Took years to do so. And in the end God was the answer."

There was a time, I'm told, when people were put in mental institutions called "insane assylums", and ones could be raging crazy and chained and locked in rooms. Then came the psychiatric medications, and ones of these people could be kept calm and it was such a big thing, especially for workers who had seen how they had been, before. I can see that psychiatric meds can serve as what I call "chemical handcuffs". But those meds can't change our character.

"Through the Grace and Love of Jesus though, I was able to see that i was wrong in harboring resentments and was able to let them go."

Very good, thank you for sharing this, Goldie > I'd say as we get stronger and wise against resenting people, this can make us also stronger against psychiatric and personality and emotional problems. Any part of the Bible can feed us what can make us better and stronger in love . . . so we aren't under the power of cruel and perverted feelings and dominating and dictatorial emotions and reactions > God is more powerful > in "the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." (in 1 Peter 3:4) In this beauty of God's gentle and quiet love, we can't be corrupted by such stuff (o: But it takes time to grow and get cured in God's love, while we are helping others, too (o:

"Although there is one area that still grieves me which is the death of my furbaby Goldie because it was my fault that she died."

If it was your fault, admit this to God and trust Him to make you better. Or else, you can stay the way you were able to do what is wrong, so you can keep on doing other things "your fault", too. We don't want to stay in what we can be blamed for, but get corrected and changed by God so we do better.

"I still take meds cuz i am afraid of going off of them."

You seem pretty honest, to me. Maybe I need more of this, myself. So, I'd say when God has you ready . . . He can have you know this.

"I LOVE God He saved me from myself."

Self, I'd say, is our main problem

And God is winning in us, more and more (o:

[goldieluvs]

Ty mlg and comfy yes Goldie is still a sore spot. Most times I am at peace, knowing she loves me no matter wat and that she and God have forgiven me. But there are times when I miss her so much and the pain of my actions being cause of her no longer being here is a lil much. Working on it though. Ultimately God used her to bring me home! She is dear to my heart. Her love and acceptance and just wanting to be with me, will remain in my heart. However, I can see how continuing to feel guilt can hinder, so will continue working on that mlg. Her name reminds me of where I don't wanna go EVER again.

Comfy ty for ur comments as well. and amen to letting go of self!!!

Ok step 2 wow there was much to learn from this step. Learning characteristics to represent Jesus. I think the one I struggle with most in attitude. You receive what you believe. So I can see where I need to work on that more.

You become what you surround yourself with. Can only add a hearty amen to that one. And no matter what obstacles, don't give up. Boy did that one hit home.

Now I gotta admit here the Who Am I part I never quite got even though I have heard O talk about it or type rather on several occasions. Maybe it was just taking time away from chat and reading and absorbing it was what was needed, cuz I think I finally got it!

I can see now how my soul causes my spirit to react. Sooo, seems I need to spend more time renewing my mind. Coming to an understanding first. But much like when I go to get in a swimming pool; I just jump right on in!! So, learning to take things captive to God first. Will have to practice it.

In many ways this step has given peace. Maybe I get too focused on me

[mlg]

Who Am I, is a big question sis, but one other note...attitude is everything. How you accept who you are now that Christ lives in you, makes a big difference in how God can use you. Yes we have to give up self...and no that's not ever easy, because we tend to want things to go our way...but when you are called by God, you must be willing to follow His directions, else things might get all messed up...so self has to be put away. Another thing, be humble...don't let pride get in your way...if you do again your setting up for another fall in your calling...everything we do sis, is for God's glory...so always keep that in mind.

Goldie I already see you learning so much, just in the couple of days you started redoing these steps. This is very good for you sis.

luv ya

[goldieluvs]

Oh a side note about attitude, after rereading what u wrote mlg. I think wat i meant by attitude is sometimes its a grudging attitude, mostly at work as in i can only handle so much. Sometimes it gets pretty intense. When i get frustrated i try and walk away for awhile and then come back to it. Guess thats ok. Letting go of self, being humble, well sometimes a problem. Am not exactly a very prideful person. Self image is a lil low. Letting go of my own issues and giving em to God and not taking em back, well thats a toughie. Ok on to step 3....

Step 3. WOW is about all i can say what a huge study. Filled with lots of knowledge. I made notes kinda abridged version to help with my thoughts on this one. Ok as far as clothing goes, well i dress rather casually, Mostly jeans and shirts. I guess i own two worldly shirts. One is an eeyore shirt my mom bought me cuz eeyore was my fav! He was always sooo sad. I dunno maybe i related well to him. My other worldly tshirt is a HOUSE t-shirt from the tv show House, u know the obnoxious, brilliant, flawed doctor show? Well the t-shirt says Everybody Lies which is one of his House isms so to speak. But it a charity t-shirt with proceeds going to NAMI (National Alliance for Mentally Ill). And well, i think it actually is a pretty true shirt. Cuz most everybody lies at some point in time. Even lil white lies, like when a friend who had an awful hair cut. and they ask how do u like my hair. well i might say its interesting, will take getting used to as opposed to saying uhh NO its looks HORRIBLE .Or do you like my outfit, and its atrocious u might say it suits ya or something to prevent from hurting ur friends feelings. Beyond that i am natural. Nothing i would consider indecent. Mostly i wear blue jeans and tshirts or some kinda short sleeved shirt but doesnt show lots if ya know wat i mean) Very rarely do i wear makeup. I do have pierced ears in order to wear a pair of earrings funny thing is tho i rarely wear em. I got rings but rarely wear those either. I own necklaces, one i wear most frequently when i do wear one is cross.

As far as my body being His temple, well i been being convicted of this one for quite awhile. still some things i need to let go of. Bad habits. Working on that as well. The sexual sinning part, well ok sometimes i look at a guy and think he looks good. Most of time i don't pay much attention. Maybe i should become a nun . Ok and before anyone who may be a nun sees this i say this and mean no disrespect whatsoever.

Being alert when participating in world. Well i try, dont always succeed. But i think that ok cuz we just gotta pray and get back up and try again. I think we learn from our mistakes too.

SEEDS AND WEEDS. Ok i got that concept, can understand how letting things in that are bad affect your walk, your actions and thoughts. I got a few really tough weeds with REALLY long roots. Dealt with past stuff mostly generally dont even think about it anymore. Only thing really that wounds is Goldie. Am working on it. That one is NOT gonna be easy. God help me. I dunno maybe part of my resistance to that is if I forget her then i forget a part that is dear to my heart, and i forget that God used her death as a way to bring me back to Him. I don't cry like i used to. Once in awhile, something will touch my heart and i think of her and start to cry. Maybe not forget her but let go of the guilt. Well thats an option.. will have to work on that one. Worry also has long roots. Asking God for help in pulling that one up to.

As far as renewing my mind. i got that concept too, Putting it into practice well thats gonna take a lil work. I also understand the three charts concept but i haven't made em yet. I think this is where i got stuck last time was in not completing those charts. Never was a big fan of paperwork. But i also recognize importance of em, so am gonna do it this time. Now I absolutely LOVE the FOCUS FORWARD poem and think i wanna include that in a new thread on a forum. Thats also in back of my mind at the moment.

As far as making of the charts go. Well, all i can say is Thank God its the weekend, if it was through the weekday i never would have made em. So while they are not made yet, am determined to get er done! sometime today or this evening. Then i will print em up and post em somewhere in the house so i can work on em everyday. Just creating em isnt so much the goal as in actually putting them into practice.

I do get it though. Just like a real flower garden, with miracle grow they are much more beautiful with regular dosing. So if i do the regular dosing i will grow as well.

Wow, O's mind is really deep! Took quite some time to digest this step. Though i do see importance and how it all goes together. Glad i stuck with it til i understood it! Ok am taking a break cuz i think it wore me out to do the step and then journal. Will work on charts after a short rest.

Oh WOW oh WOW OH WOW!!! I just stepped into CCCC forum for a sec and lo and behold. O has made the miracle grow charts in printable form Hallelujiah Praise the Lord. Ty O sooo much. Makes this part seem much less daunting now!!! Oh and for those of u who dont know its a sticky. I dint check on MCFC forum but it may be sticky here toooo

Luvs u all

[mlg]

goldie, the steps you took today, were all steps that would make you stronger in who God wants you to be. They will bring together normalcy when chaos is all around you. When we are called we can expect trials to head our direction, as they will bring us patience and understanding....but we will need normal and through the charts, you will find many Spiritual things to help you keep focus that God is still in control.

Keeping our minds pure is definitely important in our calling as well. We need to maintain a Godly mind, lest we fall off the path, and loose ground in the work that God has put before us. This comes from pulling weeds.

I see you are learning a lot goldie, and this is very good.

luv ya

[goldieluvs]

Ok i have a confession to make. Due to limited time on weekdays, I went ahead and copied and pasted Step 4 so i got a lil sneak peek, though i didn't read it. I also copied and pasted all the studies that Oasis added as part of that step. Hope that is not considered cheating. I just figured between time it takes to read and understand it and between working on my charts ( wonder if this study can count as points?) Am thinking prolly so. At any rate i am glad i did cuz that is MASSIVE. Oasis puts lots and lots of work into this for our benefit. To help both the lost and those trying to reach out. I I will be able to walk worthy of the calling which God has called me to do. Letting go of self keeping self outta the way. Well thats a biggie, One i see myself working on everyday. But i am very excited about this study and am learning much. I am gonna work on getting chart ready for the rest of this month and begin practicing it. Am thinking i should take two weeks off from work if i had in just to learn all this! Will be praying HS will bring understanding. Clear my mind and just let it soak it all up.

Ok adding to this post cuz i got another confession. I made my chart, but still need two activities to complete Strengthen Spirit. I must admit dont fully grasp this yet. So, used Oasis examples wat i got so far, listen to music focusing on words. talk to HS, Praise, write to God (prolly like a journal whether that considered a psalm or not well i dunno Light a candle, talk 2 someone about God and difference He made in my life, do a study or come here and chat. Ok so i need two more spaces, I need help here.. THanks

[xxJILLxx]

hi goldie

you are doing an awesome job sis!

heres a few suggestions

how bout helping out as a volunteer somewhere if you dont already and if you do already i would think that counts.. or even memorizing some scriputres .. u can post scriptures on a phone to friends and or family or even through email ...


k thats all i can come up with at the moment

Gbu sis
♥Jill

[Tam]

Goldie Keep pressing in sis...I am so proud of you for taking this step once again. Just peeling more layers off that onion huh! Love you sis
Tam

[mlg]

goldie, don't stress on the charts, they are not there to make this difficult for you, so let me suggest that you start the charts with what you already have. Maybe you don't need all the charts to be full yet, so that you can have some growing room. You can add more items later.

Also sis, it's ok that you printed out the studies for you to read later. Many have found this to be easier so they can make notes on them as well. Just do what you have to, so that you can finish this study. Be patient with yourself sis, and don't let this overwhelm you. You can do this.

luv ya

[goldieluvs]

ty all well i sorta read step 4. May have to repeat it tho. Focus isn't good today. Been a rough day. Feels like im surrounded by evil and falling, but that ok cuz i getting back up Just soo much turmoil today, i am restless and bone tired. I know God loves me and is with me so for today that is enough. Even though i messed up bunches. like screaming at copier when it broke for like the third time on me today. Spending 15 min on phone with staff just trying to figure out what the problem was about a piece of paper and finally figuring out they meant one lil box, but they never said it, just kept saying over and over thats how i was told three years, three supervisors ago to do it. but never made it known wat they were talking about. And dealing with a friend whom i care deeply for who is talking like things are over for them but they really haven't tried very hard to help theirselves.
Felt like i was surrounded by the enemys imps today. I took my MP4 and music usually helps, and it helped some;. Not as much as usually does though. maybe i should have played it more. And knowing wat i am facing tomorrow i am so NOT looking forward to it, but gotta work ya know? And well, if work was always fun then it wouldnt be work.
So, am not giving up, just taking a lil rest tonight. If i get peaceful i will come back and do the study before i go to bed. I did make some notes so i was able to focus some so am thankful for that. One thing did stand out of wat i did read...
Psalm 143:8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindnesss in the morning, for in thee do i trust.. cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for i lift up my soul onto thee.
Wishing i had started my day this morning with that. but its all good. Cuz Jesus loves me . And in my heart i know i am blessed and loved. World just crowded in around me today i guess. Ok ty all for the suggestions. I luvs u all. And no worries k? Might be fallen right now,, but i know i gotta get back up and will do so with God's help, just need a lil rest is all.