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Wondering if all this is taking it's toll
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Wondering if all this is taking it's toll
by vahn » Sat Apr 11, 2009 10:58 am
Before this post gets all tangled-up (by me of course) with all sorts issues ,
which by the way is the main reason for posting today , I feel like I'm caught-up in a whirlwind again .
It was only a day or two ago I found myself saying something like "85% of what's going on in my head is none of my buisiness " , and that what other people say or do has absolutely no effect on my life unless I let it .
Well , here it is ! I feel my life today is totally being effected by the very reasons of being helpful to others , but I feel like by doing so I'm getting the raw end of it (constantly). I'm not talking about the past weeks or so either .
This is why the idea came to mind in the first place .
I guess the best way to do so is to start from the get-go .
In order for me to get to oasis nowadays is beginning to be an effort , having to constantly check the time , shcedual , weather condition , and all that stuff , for I have to walk here , but that is the least of sacrifices, for in the process I get more out of it than I put into it .
Since I joined my life had changed tremendously and have no qualms about that . But now I'm beginning to this I'm using it for some escape mechanism than anything else .
Wed. was my second lead of Bible study , and I think I did a fair enough job at it , at least it was better than the first , but , The next day , there was literally a line in front of my office with the guys waiting to "talk" (please dont take this as an ego inflating either, I hate it !) , well, by the end of the day I found myself getting more and more irritated , so I just put my "Gone Fishing" sign on and practically darted out of "campus". On my way to the library (with thoughts of guilt and what have you) , I said to myself "that is not the reason why I joined oasis for (to vent my frustrations) " so I stopped at a popular AA coffee shop hoping to find someone else to take it out on (an AA newbie). But of course no one is there except the other regulars both seculars and non-AA's but being familiar they asked if they could join me at the table . now here's the AX , for the first time in my life I was having difficulty communicating with these people , I mean the extent of my vocabulary in conversation was like "Huh ? Yep ! Sure, Whatever ". and absolutely nothing else !
Tried to call my sponsor in NC , line bz , got to the library , logged in to oasis , didnt dare to say much , and that's where I went O-oooh !! , this gotta stop !
getting "home" I decided to take "inventory" of what's going on . I came to the conclusion that I , once again am becoming a recluse , I had built myself a hedge too high all around me that I practically locked myself in from the world outside the safety zone , and apart from oasis and AA I'm lost !!
My motto used to be "The best way to get out of your head when you dont like what's going on in it , is by getting into somebody else's " .
And now I find myself not wanting to that any more ! and actually going outa my way to avoid people , and when I do , I feel like I'm just parroting words than anything else , and last night , I realized I had to give it an extra effort to respond to someone's post , and going to chat room , I couldn't sit still long enough to pay attention to what was going on .
I heard , read , and talked to someone at length about virtue and burn-out stuff , but I fear that this has has something else to do with it .
I just dont know !!
which by the way is the main reason for posting today , I feel like I'm caught-up in a whirlwind again .
It was only a day or two ago I found myself saying something like "85% of what's going on in my head is none of my buisiness " , and that what other people say or do has absolutely no effect on my life unless I let it .
Well , here it is ! I feel my life today is totally being effected by the very reasons of being helpful to others , but I feel like by doing so I'm getting the raw end of it (constantly). I'm not talking about the past weeks or so either .
This is why the idea came to mind in the first place .
I guess the best way to do so is to start from the get-go .
In order for me to get to oasis nowadays is beginning to be an effort , having to constantly check the time , shcedual , weather condition , and all that stuff , for I have to walk here , but that is the least of sacrifices, for in the process I get more out of it than I put into it .
Since I joined my life had changed tremendously and have no qualms about that . But now I'm beginning to this I'm using it for some escape mechanism than anything else .
Wed. was my second lead of Bible study , and I think I did a fair enough job at it , at least it was better than the first , but , The next day , there was literally a line in front of my office with the guys waiting to "talk" (please dont take this as an ego inflating either, I hate it !) , well, by the end of the day I found myself getting more and more irritated , so I just put my "Gone Fishing" sign on and practically darted out of "campus". On my way to the library (with thoughts of guilt and what have you) , I said to myself "that is not the reason why I joined oasis for (to vent my frustrations) " so I stopped at a popular AA coffee shop hoping to find someone else to take it out on (an AA newbie). But of course no one is there except the other regulars both seculars and non-AA's but being familiar they asked if they could join me at the table . now here's the AX , for the first time in my life I was having difficulty communicating with these people , I mean the extent of my vocabulary in conversation was like "Huh ? Yep ! Sure, Whatever ". and absolutely nothing else !
Tried to call my sponsor in NC , line bz , got to the library , logged in to oasis , didnt dare to say much , and that's where I went O-oooh !! , this gotta stop !
getting "home" I decided to take "inventory" of what's going on . I came to the conclusion that I , once again am becoming a recluse , I had built myself a hedge too high all around me that I practically locked myself in from the world outside the safety zone , and apart from oasis and AA I'm lost !!
My motto used to be "The best way to get out of your head when you dont like what's going on in it , is by getting into somebody else's " .
And now I find myself not wanting to that any more ! and actually going outa my way to avoid people , and when I do , I feel like I'm just parroting words than anything else , and last night , I realized I had to give it an extra effort to respond to someone's post , and going to chat room , I couldn't sit still long enough to pay attention to what was going on .
I heard , read , and talked to someone at length about virtue and burn-out stuff , but I fear that this has has something else to do with it .
I just dont know !!
Last edited by vahn on Sat Apr 11, 2009 4:40 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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vahn 
- Posts: 809
- Location: Earth (STILL !!)
by comfy » Sat Apr 11, 2009 3:50 pm
It can be good to get away from people and things. And wait to quiet down with God and see how He refreshes you and then encourages you to see things.
I am 61, while we are at it (o:
And my father was an alcoholic. We may have had a number of undetected alkies in the family, maybe including ones who are still going. I never got really drunk, after seeing what happened with my father. And after he dried out, I an eighth grader, I think, reasoned that if A.A. could get an alcoholic to stop drinking, then it could help me not to become an alcoholic, in the first place, plus I wanted to support my father; so I decided to go to meetings with him, in order to make sure I did not become an alcoholic.
Also, at about age six, I found him bent over in his car > what are you doing? looking for cigarette butts under the seat > he was out, and the store was closed and the party guests didn't have any, he said. I kind of got the drift that if this big strong popular atheletic great (I supposed) father could be brought down by cigarettes to scrounge for butts and put these germy things in his mouth > well, I was a germophobe; so that meant I resolved never to smoke, for the rest of my life. And I haven't, and I need to not take this for granted, but trust God to make me self-controlled in the right way.
So, I a six-year-old kid could figure that out and learn from his mistake, ljd. But the reason was out of fear of germs. Now I'd say I need to discover better reasons. In my case, by the time I was not afraid of germs, like that, I had discovered other motivation for not smoking. I need to get more with God in love, so I am more caring to motivate me to learn what I need to learn. Like, for an example > if I become more humble, I'll be more interested in being sensitive and compassionate with people, not just lecturing down on them with "the word" I suppose I have.
Vahn - - after my mother died, I moved into being more involved with different people. I during the past number of weeks have had so many things going this way and that way, that I can be mixed up about how long I have been on this earth (o: It's like I have had a number of lives, with different relationships, church developments, Internet place sharings, activities.
With God, you don't live just one life, maybe I could say (o:
And with all the different things going on, this gives you a chance to be familiar with different people's lives, somewhat, by going through what different folks go through, so when you're talking with them, Vahn, you can relate to what they're talking about. One of them might be living ONE life and that's it; but *you* have lived that life, *maybe for an hour*, at some point, so you have sampled enough to understand what the person is going through.
And I have, after being single all my life, now talked with a number of divorced ladies, in recent times. This has been enlightening, to show me that women I know "may" have been through a thing or twosie before they got to me (o:
Like Jesus (Hebrews 4:15), you can use your experience to feel for others, and we can learn how to do things more with God in His peace and "rest for your souls," (Matthew 11:29) so we can then help others to deal better with things. Also Hebrews 5:2 (o:
So - - - when you say that there are things kinda keeping your mind busy > I think of how it helps me in the morning to first wait until God has me clear of whatever is jumping all over me, right when I wake up, and is trying to *demand* my attention away from God and peace. Don't we know that no human has the right to dominate us and dictate where our attention goes? So, surely no issue or responsibility or desire or dream or problem person coming to mind from yesterday has rightful authority to just barge in on us and demand our attention, rather than being humbled to God and how He rules us in His peace (Colossians 3:15).
"'Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.'" (John 14:27)
That's good, what I think ljd's saying about it being good to not get going too fast, but take time to recharge. Take "pit stops", even right while you are doing things, to get tuned in sweet pleasant rest and refreshing with the LORD. And keep praying about how you . . . we . . . can not be doing this as well as we should. Keep trusting God, and I'd say be thankful that God is trusting you with people (o:
Bill
I am 61, while we are at it (o:
And my father was an alcoholic. We may have had a number of undetected alkies in the family, maybe including ones who are still going. I never got really drunk, after seeing what happened with my father. And after he dried out, I an eighth grader, I think, reasoned that if A.A. could get an alcoholic to stop drinking, then it could help me not to become an alcoholic, in the first place, plus I wanted to support my father; so I decided to go to meetings with him, in order to make sure I did not become an alcoholic.
Also, at about age six, I found him bent over in his car > what are you doing? looking for cigarette butts under the seat > he was out, and the store was closed and the party guests didn't have any, he said. I kind of got the drift that if this big strong popular atheletic great (I supposed) father could be brought down by cigarettes to scrounge for butts and put these germy things in his mouth > well, I was a germophobe; so that meant I resolved never to smoke, for the rest of my life. And I haven't, and I need to not take this for granted, but trust God to make me self-controlled in the right way.
So, I a six-year-old kid could figure that out and learn from his mistake, ljd. But the reason was out of fear of germs. Now I'd say I need to discover better reasons. In my case, by the time I was not afraid of germs, like that, I had discovered other motivation for not smoking. I need to get more with God in love, so I am more caring to motivate me to learn what I need to learn. Like, for an example > if I become more humble, I'll be more interested in being sensitive and compassionate with people, not just lecturing down on them with "the word" I suppose I have.
Vahn - - after my mother died, I moved into being more involved with different people. I during the past number of weeks have had so many things going this way and that way, that I can be mixed up about how long I have been on this earth (o: It's like I have had a number of lives, with different relationships, church developments, Internet place sharings, activities.
With God, you don't live just one life, maybe I could say (o:
And with all the different things going on, this gives you a chance to be familiar with different people's lives, somewhat, by going through what different folks go through, so when you're talking with them, Vahn, you can relate to what they're talking about. One of them might be living ONE life and that's it; but *you* have lived that life, *maybe for an hour*, at some point, so you have sampled enough to understand what the person is going through.
And I have, after being single all my life, now talked with a number of divorced ladies, in recent times. This has been enlightening, to show me that women I know "may" have been through a thing or twosie before they got to me (o:
Like Jesus (Hebrews 4:15), you can use your experience to feel for others, and we can learn how to do things more with God in His peace and "rest for your souls," (Matthew 11:29) so we can then help others to deal better with things. Also Hebrews 5:2 (o:
So - - - when you say that there are things kinda keeping your mind busy > I think of how it helps me in the morning to first wait until God has me clear of whatever is jumping all over me, right when I wake up, and is trying to *demand* my attention away from God and peace. Don't we know that no human has the right to dominate us and dictate where our attention goes? So, surely no issue or responsibility or desire or dream or problem person coming to mind from yesterday has rightful authority to just barge in on us and demand our attention, rather than being humbled to God and how He rules us in His peace (Colossians 3:15).
"'Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.'" (John 14:27)
That's good, what I think ljd's saying about it being good to not get going too fast, but take time to recharge. Take "pit stops", even right while you are doing things, to get tuned in sweet pleasant rest and refreshing with the LORD. And keep praying about how you . . . we . . . can not be doing this as well as we should. Keep trusting God, and I'd say be thankful that God is trusting you with people (o:
Bill
Last edited by comfy on Sun Apr 12, 2009 5:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
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comfy
by mlg » Sat Apr 11, 2009 8:09 pm
Vahn, when I read your typed words, I feel like I'm reading an excuse and a whine. I know that probably sounds harsh, but that is what it is. You know when you accept Jesus into your life, your life is no longer your own. Your life belongs to Jesus now, and the more you grow in Him, the more He is going to require of you. Sometimes I wonder how I get through everything that He asks me to do, but somehow, someway, He makes a way for me.
I feel like you may becoming more reserved, as your a tad afraid of what God is doing in and through you. It's easier to run away, and to not say ok Lord, I can do what you need, because you are my strength. There's a verse in the Bible, that when I feel like God is giving me more than I can handle, or want to handle that I like to review. It's a hard verse to swallow but the verse is all Truth.
Jeremiah 12:5 If thou hast run with the footmen, and they have wearied thee, then how canst thou contend with horses? and if in the land of peace, wherein thou trustedst, they wearied thee, then how wilt thou do in the swelling of Jordan?
God gives us more, so we can handle more. HEAR the words of our Lord.
II Samuel 22:33 God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.
luv ya my friend
I feel like you may becoming more reserved, as your a tad afraid of what God is doing in and through you. It's easier to run away, and to not say ok Lord, I can do what you need, because you are my strength. There's a verse in the Bible, that when I feel like God is giving me more than I can handle, or want to handle that I like to review. It's a hard verse to swallow but the verse is all Truth.
Jeremiah 12:5 If thou hast run with the footmen, and they have wearied thee, then how canst thou contend with horses? and if in the land of peace, wherein thou trustedst, they wearied thee, then how wilt thou do in the swelling of Jordan?
God gives us more, so we can handle more. HEAR the words of our Lord.
II Samuel 22:33 God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.
luv ya my friend
-
mlg 
- Posts: 4428
- Marital Status: Not Interested
by vahn » Sun Apr 12, 2009 6:11 pm
First and foremost , my thanx go to God for seeing to it that I get all the advice , guidance and yes , even a friendly "reprimand" through all of you whom He prepared to do so , that means YOU , .... LJD , CMFY, MLG .
I feel more than blessed that my All Gracious God would do that for me , especially for an undeserving person like me , oh how Awsome He is .
Last night , and practically half the day today, I spent in solitude in the presence of my Lord (I'm not much into 'ritualistic' stuff ) , I do all my praying and communion with God "in the secret place " (my heart & soul).
And I told Him about you guys ( yeah I snitched) and, I also asked Him why was it that even tho you guys are the ONLY people I trust to express my feelings about anything , and yet turn around and withhold the core of the truth from you ?
Well , to make it short , the answer came .
I have to break through this monitor and give you what's behind it .
Mlg , says I'm afraid to do what God's asking me to do , the first thing God wants me to do is to tell the truth TO YOU (He sent YOU guys) .
A lot had happened to me in the last six years or so , anywhere from gaining custody of my only child , playing Mr. Mom, reestablishing my family life with her, buying a house for her and on and on , and I was dumbfounded by all this , that God would do such things for me , yes an emotional whirlwind of Joy and "Bright Light" experience to the MAX !!.
and I wanted my kid to have that . Here's the catch ! I COULD NOT DO SO. For six years I tried , read everything and anything under the sun that I could get my hands on to learn how . Finally , getting to oasis , you guys helped me find a chink in the dam and the flood gaits opened , and started making progress both with me and daughter in leaps and bounds .
Only to wake up one day ,
I cant write any more ,
but I promised my Lord i will , I'll be back
I feel more than blessed that my All Gracious God would do that for me , especially for an undeserving person like me , oh how Awsome He is .
Last night , and practically half the day today, I spent in solitude in the presence of my Lord (I'm not much into 'ritualistic' stuff ) , I do all my praying and communion with God "in the secret place " (my heart & soul).
And I told Him about you guys ( yeah I snitched) and, I also asked Him why was it that even tho you guys are the ONLY people I trust to express my feelings about anything , and yet turn around and withhold the core of the truth from you ?
Well , to make it short , the answer came .
I have to break through this monitor and give you what's behind it .
Mlg , says I'm afraid to do what God's asking me to do , the first thing God wants me to do is to tell the truth TO YOU (He sent YOU guys) .
A lot had happened to me in the last six years or so , anywhere from gaining custody of my only child , playing Mr. Mom, reestablishing my family life with her, buying a house for her and on and on , and I was dumbfounded by all this , that God would do such things for me , yes an emotional whirlwind of Joy and "Bright Light" experience to the MAX !!.
and I wanted my kid to have that . Here's the catch ! I COULD NOT DO SO. For six years I tried , read everything and anything under the sun that I could get my hands on to learn how . Finally , getting to oasis , you guys helped me find a chink in the dam and the flood gaits opened , and started making progress both with me and daughter in leaps and bounds .
Only to wake up one day ,
I cant write any more ,
but I promised my Lord i will , I'll be back
-
vahn - Posts: 809
- Location: Earth (STILL !!)
by vahn » Sun Apr 12, 2009 7:08 pm
OK, I will try to get to the point . Obviously I'm still finding myself struggling with my emotions from time to time , (just in case you were wondering) , and THAT my dear friends is the core of all the stuff that I am going through . It's the emotional "detatchment" from my brothers and sisters that God had entrusted me with that is driving me up the wall ,
and I know too well that I cant hide from God !!! (not that I want to !!)
See , it is too easy for me to get "atatched" emotionally , and I have absolutely no problem with that , in fact , it is my opinion that it is healthy to do so , and I strive for it , and want it , BUT ! when it comes to anyone to put a price tag on it I just feel like some invisible switch came on .
And what had been happening with me latetly , I came to the retreat seeking solace and now I find out God has other plans , and His plans are the other way around .
How can anyone sit in front of people saying things like "great to hear you last night at the study, I have this prob , need to talk to you 'bout , it's my wife , she's not including my Jaguar in the divorce settlement "
or " I've been going to church since childhood , been reading the bible everyday , gone to seminars , been ordained , saved 100 times , doused, dunked sprinkled and darned near castrated !! need to talk to you !! "
I feel for those you know ? correction , I feel too much , how far they are from God ! trying to force themselves into believing that they are doing the "right" thing ! while they're missing the whole point at the same time . Feel like shaking the crap out of them and toss them against the wall and say "Hey , look around you ! Where are you ?"
I cant detatch myself emotionally , and at the same time I need to get involved , for without emotions, your intellect is hollow , and emotions BURN !! I hope I made my point .
and I know too well that I cant hide from God !!! (not that I want to !!)
See , it is too easy for me to get "atatched" emotionally , and I have absolutely no problem with that , in fact , it is my opinion that it is healthy to do so , and I strive for it , and want it , BUT ! when it comes to anyone to put a price tag on it I just feel like some invisible switch came on .
And what had been happening with me latetly , I came to the retreat seeking solace and now I find out God has other plans , and His plans are the other way around .
How can anyone sit in front of people saying things like "great to hear you last night at the study, I have this prob , need to talk to you 'bout , it's my wife , she's not including my Jaguar in the divorce settlement "
or " I've been going to church since childhood , been reading the bible everyday , gone to seminars , been ordained , saved 100 times , doused, dunked sprinkled and darned near castrated !! need to talk to you !! "
I feel for those you know ? correction , I feel too much , how far they are from God ! trying to force themselves into believing that they are doing the "right" thing ! while they're missing the whole point at the same time . Feel like shaking the crap out of them and toss them against the wall and say "Hey , look around you ! Where are you ?"
I cant detatch myself emotionally , and at the same time I need to get involved , for without emotions, your intellect is hollow , and emotions BURN !! I hope I made my point .
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vahn - Posts: 809
- Location: Earth (STILL !!)
by mlg » Sun Apr 12, 2009 7:52 pm
You want to hear something vahn, I read anger in your words. Anger of emotions you have not yet delt with, but are holding inside. Yes you've touched them on the surface, but they are still within, and your wondering how God can ask more of you, when your still struggling. Well that's just it my friend, God asked much from those who have struggled in their own pain. See He doesn't want us wallowing around, He wants to give us a new purpose. The thing is some people are whining about things of the world, and that's what is bothering you. To listen to them whine about false "idols" when in reality they aren't seeing the big picture. Well my friend, that's why God has placed you there. To show them the Light and the Truth.
Praying for you.
luv ya
Praying for you.
luv ya
-
mlg - Posts: 4428
- Marital Status: Not Interested
by --- » Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:10 pm
A quote from ljd's post ....
This post and all these wonderful supportivbve comments is such an eye opening referesher to read. God is comtantly telling us(me) this..you plant I will grow and fertilize My garden.
It is frustrating to talk to those who hear but do not listen...that think they have "got it" but walk away shaking their heads wondering what you have said....it makes you angry to know God is calling someone...is giving directions..leading...or has placed a gift..a calling upon their lives but they CHOOSE to leave it alone..walking away still shaking their head.
The reminder to me is that yes we are the helpers....we can bring the Word of God to those we get near...but it is not our place to be angry at them if thy decide not to at this time take Jesus into their lives.
We take it so personally ...and it is not about us so we can not take it that way. We can hurt for those who do not know Jesus, we will hurt for those who have ot clue to who He is and what He is about...it remains to the individual to make the choice...between them and God. He knows the heart we do not...He knows the life intimately we do not.
However we are charged with planting a seed...planting the Word then letting God take the seed to produce..having the seed of His word grow in the gardens of people's hearts...once they choose Him.
My best example coming to mind are two out of my three sons do not chose God. They have heard..they know...they are intelligent men...but their heats are harden with the world.
I had to quit taking them to task for their unbelief and love and pray for them. Not whine about the situation but take captive the thought that one day Christ will reign inside their hearts...I capture the positive action of seeing the seed planted and watching some day God grow that seed to full bloom within them.
Vahn you are growing through every instance you encounter and God uses your epxperiences to His advantage...do not allow the enemy to take away what you know is real truth. God is doing His job and nothing we can do will improve or change His plans. You are strong in Spirit...hold that close to you when you have days or times like this post is about.
You are blessed wiht more than you realize.
you do the planting, and I will take care of the seed......
This post and all these wonderful supportivbve comments is such an eye opening referesher to read. God is comtantly telling us(me) this..you plant I will grow and fertilize My garden.
It is frustrating to talk to those who hear but do not listen...that think they have "got it" but walk away shaking their heads wondering what you have said....it makes you angry to know God is calling someone...is giving directions..leading...or has placed a gift..a calling upon their lives but they CHOOSE to leave it alone..walking away still shaking their head.
The reminder to me is that yes we are the helpers....we can bring the Word of God to those we get near...but it is not our place to be angry at them if thy decide not to at this time take Jesus into their lives.
We take it so personally ...and it is not about us so we can not take it that way. We can hurt for those who do not know Jesus, we will hurt for those who have ot clue to who He is and what He is about...it remains to the individual to make the choice...between them and God. He knows the heart we do not...He knows the life intimately we do not.
However we are charged with planting a seed...planting the Word then letting God take the seed to produce..having the seed of His word grow in the gardens of people's hearts...once they choose Him.
My best example coming to mind are two out of my three sons do not chose God. They have heard..they know...they are intelligent men...but their heats are harden with the world.
I had to quit taking them to task for their unbelief and love and pray for them. Not whine about the situation but take captive the thought that one day Christ will reign inside their hearts...I capture the positive action of seeing the seed planted and watching some day God grow that seed to full bloom within them.
Vahn you are growing through every instance you encounter and God uses your epxperiences to His advantage...do not allow the enemy to take away what you know is real truth. God is doing His job and nothing we can do will improve or change His plans. You are strong in Spirit...hold that close to you when you have days or times like this post is about.
You are blessed wiht more than you realize.
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